Relationships & Family Articles

Article / Updated 10-27-2023

The amount of available family history resources has skyrocketed in the last couple of decades. This is an exciting time for genealogy research because scanned images of key records are coming online at an unprecedented rate. Also, technologies such as DNA testing have been refined and are now invaluable tools that complement evidence from paper records. And, there are many apps available for genealogy research and building a family tree now. Primary sources for genealogy research For the budding and experienced genealogist alike, Primary sources are documents, oral accounts — if the account is made soon after the actual event and witnessed by the person who created the account — photographs, or any other items created at the time of an event. Some primary sources for looking into your family background include birth and marriage certificates, deeds, leases, diplomas or certificates of degree, military records, and tax records. For example, a primary source for your birth date is your birth certificate. Typically, a birth certificate is prepared within a few days of the actual event and is signed by one or more witnesses to the birth. The timeliness and involvement of direct witnesses makes the information contained on the record (such as the time, date, and parents’ names) a reliable firsthand account of the event. It’s important to recognize that just because a record was prepared near the time of an event doesn’t mean that every fact on the record is correct. Typographical errors can occur or incorrect information can be provided to the creator of the record. Often, these errors are not caught when the record is created. For example, in the case of a birth certificate, new parents are preoccupied with things other than government paperwork during their stay at the hospital. When our youngest child was born, the birth certificate application was created and presented to us for signature. After reading it, we discovered three pieces of incorrect data. Fortunately, we were able to correct the birth certificate before it was submitted to the county clerk — even though the hospital clerk wasn’t too happy about re-creating the document multiple times. So, it’s always a good idea to try to find other primary records that can corroborate the information found in any record. For much more about sources, creating a family history timeline, helpful apps, and much more about genealogy research, check out our book Genealogy For Dummies, 8th Edition. Sources considered primary & secondary Secondary sources are documents, oral accounts, and records that are created some length of time after the event or for which information is supplied by someone during your ancestors' time who wasn’t an eyewitness to the event. A secondary source can also be a person who was an eyewitness to the event but recalls it after significant time passes. You might encounter records such as a Delayed Report of Birth or an affidavit that contain a birth date that is based upon a person’s recollection of when a birth occurred. Some of these records may have a witness who testifies that a birth occurred thirty years earlier. Some records may be considered both primary and secondary sources. For example, a death certificate contains both primary and secondary source information. The primary source information includes the death date and cause of death. These facts are primary because the certificate was prepared around the time of death, and the information is usually provided by the medical professional who pronounced the person dead. The secondary source includes the birth date and place of birth of the deceased individual. These details are secondary because the certificate was issued at a time significantly later than the birth (assuming that the birth and death dates are at least a few years apart). Secondary sources don’t have the degree of reliability of primary sources. Often, secondary source information, such as birth data found on death certificates, is provided by an individual’s children or descendants who may or may not know the exact date or place of birth and who may be providing information during a stressful situation. Given the lesser reliability of secondary sources, we recommend corroborating your secondary sources with reliable primary sources whenever possible. As you're researching your family line, remember that even though secondary sources are not as reliable as primary sources, it doesn’t mean secondary sources are always wrong or aren’t useful. A good deal of the time, the information is correct, and such records provide valuable clues to locating primary source information. For example, in the case of a birth date and birthplace on a death certificate, the information provides a place and approximate timeframe you can use as a starting point when you search for a birth record. To begin familiarizing yourself with using primary sources, start collecting some records that document milestones you know are part of your family heritage. You can start making a timeline of what you know and then try to match primary sources for each event in your timeline. Twile For additional information on primary sources, see Using Primary Sources at the Library of Congress website for teachers. And, for strategies on using primary sources online, see the Reference and User Services Association (of the American Library Association) page. Using genealogical applications You can use an online timeline to document your life, but a full-featured option is to use a tool of the genealogy trade from the beginning — a genealogical application. Over time, people collect a ton of information about their genealogies. You need something to help you keep everything straight and make sense of it all. Not only can a genealogical application keep track of the names, dates, and places of your ancestors, but it can also show you the gaps in your research and point you where to go next. Nowadays, you encounter two different flavors of genealogical applications — those installed on your personal computer and those available on online family trees. Each type of application has pros and cons. Of course, you don’t have to pick one or the other — you could be like us and use both kinds at the same time! Both types of applications can store and manipulate your genealogical information. They typically have some standard features in common. For instance, most serve as containers for family facts and stories, have some reporting functions to see the data contained within them, and have export capabilities so that you can share your data with other family historians (or with another application). Each application may have a few unique features that make it stand out from the others. For example, one might have the capability to take information out of the application and generate online reports at the click of a button or integrate with data stored on subscription genealogical websites. Here’s a list of some simple features to look for when evaluating applications: How easy to use is the application? Is it reasonably intuitive how and where to enter particular facts about an ancestor? Does the application generate a view of its data so that you can take the next step in your research? For instance, if you’re partial to Family Group Sheets, does this application display information in that style? Does the application allow you to export and import a GEDCOM file? What other formats does it export to? GEDCOM is a file format that’s widely used for genealogical research. What are the limitations of the application? Make sure the application can hold an adequate number of names, documents, and photographs (and accompanying data) to accommodate all the ancestors about whom you have information. Keep in mind that your genealogy continues to grow over time. Can your current computer system support this application? If the requirements of the application cause your computer to crash every time you use it, you won’t get very far in your genealogical research. Does this application provide fields for citing your sources and keeping notes? Including information about the sources you use to gather your data — with the actual facts, if possible — is an important and a sound genealogical practice. Does this application have features that warn you of incorrect or incomplete data? For example, some applications check the place-name that you enter against a database of locations and suggest a standard way of spelling the location. Does the application integrate with genealogical websites? Integrating content between websites and genealogical software is an easy way to build your genealogical database, as well as to share your findings with others. When importing information from genealogical websites directly into your application, keep in mind that you need to take the extra step to verify the information and attach sources to the imported information. Some sites do not attempt to verify the information they contain, and without proper vetting you may download incorrect data.

Article / Updated 09-14-2023

Here’s a collection of seven traits that are often found in amazing dads — qualities that each and every guy can develop on his journey to becoming a father: Confidence: It takes time to feel truly confident about handling a newborn, but you gain confidence by doing things and getting your hands dirty (literally in some cases), even if at first things don’t go right. Looking after a newborn, baby, or toddler can seem daunting at times but isn’t actually that hard. It just comes down to being attentive to the needs of your little one, making an effort, and learning a few tricks. No matter how hard things get — you’re stressed out at work and the baby’s waking up every three hours at night, your partner’s sick, and you’re doing all the housework — you’ll get through it and you’ll be a more confident dad (and person) as a result. So don’t be afraid to wade in because it will give you a great sense of achievement, lift your spirits, and build your self-esteem when you don’t have to rely on mom for anything to do with the baby (other than breastfeeding). Creativity: Sometimes you truly have to think outside the box when you’re looking after babies or spending time with children. Children have no trouble with pretend play and let their fantasies run wild, so just go with it. Sometimes you’ll also have to find creative solutions to some basic problems, such as when you’ve run out of diapers. An old dish towel may have to do while you take baby to the store to get disposables. Endurance: Sometimes the only way to cope with a situation is to endure it. When your baby is colicky and wakes every few hours at night, or is teething and cries constantly, you may be at the end of your rope trying to work out how to put a stop to that noise. Often there’s no solution; there’s nothing you can fix or do to make a difference. It’s just the way it is, and you’re going to have to suck it up. But understanding that everything in parenting comes and goes — that one day, your little one will sleep through the night, one day, your child will have all his teeth, and one day, he will grow out of colic — will help you endure the bad times while they last. Like patience, endurance can be hard to muster when you’re tired, you’ve had little sleep, and you see no end in sight. The early weeks of a baby’s life are a little like an endurance sport — just surviving the sleep deprivation, the crying that grips your brain and shakes it about, and the never-ending rounds of feeding, burping, changing, and settling can seem impossible. But even marathons end sooner or later, so take every day as it comes and before you know it you’ll be celebrating your little one’s first birthday. If you’re having a hard time coping with a crying child and feel like lashing out — stop right now. Put your baby in a safe place, such as her crib, and take a breather. Count to ten. Even better, go outside for a minute or two, take some deep breaths, and calm down. When you go back, comfort your baby and call your healthcare provider or someone who can come and take over for a while, while you take a break. Optimism: Your life as a dad will be much easier if you try to see the funny side of things and take the “glass is half full” position. At times you may be overwhelmed, stressed, or totally exhausted, and then it’s easy to slip into thinking nature’s way of organizing procreation totally sucks. When you get annoyed and you’re feeling negative, your child is likely to pick up on it, and he might actively participate in making the situation even more difficult to handle. So shake yourself up and snap out of negativity. Try a different approach or do something to get in a better frame of mind. Chances are you’ll get a more positive response from your child if you’re more positive. Passion: Immerse yourself in all the tasks that need doing around your baby, toddler, or child. By doing that, you’ll develop a passion for being a dad, and you’ll love being a dad with all your heart. Your child picks up on your passion and will be inspired to learn, develop, and grow with you at an amazing pace. Patience: Patience is a virtue — especially for dads! Patience is your friend and makes things a lot easier when you’ve got kids around. Without patience, you would just pop with anger and there’d be tears all around, even for you. Most of the learning in the early years (and perhaps even throughout life) is achieved through constant and frequent repetition. As a father, you’re in the business of facilitating that learning, which means repeating yourself a lot, such as reading Where the Wild Things Are for the 53rd time, or telling your toddler not to pour his milk in the fish tank for the 17th time. Adults often not great at dealing with constant repetition because it’s deemed boring or frustrating. By fostering your own patience, you’ll be able to elegantly deal with constant repetition and keep your calm. As a result your child will get the support and encouragement he needs to learn. By being patient you avoid putting unnecessary pressure on your child to achieve something, which helps reduce frustration or feelings of inadequacy on his part. Presence: Taking time to be with your child and partner in a family is important. How you spend that time with your family is also important. Children have a finely tuned awareness of your attention. They can tell right away whether you’re actually engaging with them or merely present physically, with your mind miles away. Being present means you devote 100 percent of your attention to your child and you focus on what he’s doing. You don’t watch TV, read the newspaper, or get a bit of work done at the same time as playing with your child. If you’re hanging out with your child, be fully present and in the moment.

Article / Updated 07-25-2023

An anonymous writer put it this way: "Friends in your life are like pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold you up and sometimes they lean on you. Sometimes it's just enough to know they're standing by." Writer Elisabeth Foley points out that friendship doubles your joy and divides your grief, and that the most beautiful discovery that true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. Easily the most important place to have a friend is in marriage. For that reason, marriage counselors continually advise husbands and wives to be friends, pointing out that you may divorce your spouse, but you don't divorce your friend. Friendship stabilizes relationships in the business and social worlds as well. A friendship is priceless and should be cherished, cultivated, and nurtured. Remembering the golden rule Without a doubt, the greatest human relations principle is to treat other people like you want to be treated. Friendship requires many qualities — unselfishness, genuine care for the other person, and the ability to listen when the other person needs to talk, to name a few. When you show respect for your friends and gratitude for their friendship, you'll be blessed in untold ways. Sometimes just being there — particularly in times of grief — can make a difference. Not knowing what to say doesn't matter; your presence speaks volumes and says everything that needs to be said. People need to share their grief and love to share their joy. If friends were there only for those two occasions, they would still be invaluable. Although the way you treat others affects the way they treat you, the way another person treats you shouldn't determine the way you treat that person. Respond to rude behavior with the utmost kindness. You can't know what has gone on in the rude person's life that day, but you can assume that his or her day hasn't gone well. Maybe a loved one lost his job, her boss reprimanded her unjustly, he's coming down with the flu, or she just found out that her teenager is doing drugs. Whatever the cause of the rudeness, you don't have to accentuate the problem. A kind word or a gentle, understanding smile may help the person more than returned rudeness would. When people are rude and ugly to you, they're probably hurting; they aren't looking to hurt you. Giving more, getting more Here's a story that communicates a great message about friendship: A city man bought a farm. When he went out to look at the line fence, which had been the source of much quarreling for the previous owner, the neighboring farmer said, "That fence is a full foot over on my side." "Very well," said the new owner, "we will set the fence two feet over on my side." "Oh, but that's more than I claim," stammered the surprised farmer. "Never mind about that. I would much rather have peace with my neighbor than two feet of earth," said the man. "That's surely fine of you, sir," replied the farmer, "but I couldn't let you do a thing like that. That fence just won't be moved at all." Most people seldom think through each situation completely and consider the other person's point of view. If you take the time and effort to do this, you'll end up with more friends. Considering foes as friends A friend looks after your own good, is attached to you by affection, and entertains other sentiments of esteem. On the other hand, a foe is someone who isn't interested in your well-being. Yet some students view their teachers as enemies. However, a student's success in school partly depends on the teacher's effectiveness in the classroom. Instead of being an enemy, a teacher who corrects you and helps you to achieve can be the best friend you ever had. When you receive criticism, in many cases the critic turns out to be more of a friend than a person who praises, because the criticism prompts you to improve. If you properly evaluate each piece of criticism you receive, odds are that you realize that those people really are friends. This kind of thinking, along with a little attitude adjustment, helps you to convert foes to friends, and both of you are better off. Making friends by being an optimist Do you enjoy being around a pessimist, someone who is generally described as being able to brighten up a room just by leaving it? The answer is obvious. Most people prefer to be around people who believe that tomorrow is going to be better than today, rather than people who believe that today is even worse than yesterday. Optimists spread cheer wherever they go and make others feel good about themselves. That's a guaranteed way to make friends. Capturing the pleasing personality Virtually every time you say that so-and-so has "charisma," you're really talking about so-and-so's great personality. When he walks into a room, he has a presence — not just looks — that attracts attention from people around him. Or when she's in a crowd, you soon hear a soft buzz coming from the area where she is. How do you develop a pleasing personality? Here are some steps you can take: Smile when you see someone. You don't have to give a wide grin — just a pleasant, friendly smile. Speak in a pleasant, upbeat tone of voice. Talk to people as if they are good friends, even if they don't really fall into that category yet. Take a course in public speaking. The ability to express yourself attracts favorable attention from many sources. Develop a sense of humor. Pick up a couple of joke books. This makes you a little more outgoing and friendly. When you combine that quality with the ability to express yourself before a group, your confidence grows. Don't criticize unjustly Linus (of Peanuts fame) appeared with his security blanket in tow and asked Lucy, "Why are you always so anxious to criticize me?" Lucy's response: "I just think I have a knack for seeing other people's faults." Exasperated with that answer, Linus threw up his hands and asked, "What about your own faults?" Lucy didn't hesitate: "I have a knack for overlooking them." Instead of being eager to dish out criticism all the time, take the humane, sensible approach. Look for the good in other people. Encourage them. Build them up. Be a good-finder, not a fault-finder.

Article / Updated 06-28-2023

Dr. Ruth, America’s favorite psychosexual therapist, talks about the new forms of rejection—ghosting, benching, orbiting, and breadcrumbing—in a new edition of the fun and comprehensive guide to sex. As app dating has evolved, so have those who abuse this new method of finding a partner. Not only do you need to know how to deal with rejection, but you have to know how to deal with it on social media. That’s not to say that everyone you’d meet using the old methods had perfect manners, but I do find that some of these new ways of making people feel miserable are almost worse as they can be such time wasters. "No ghosting!" — Dr. Ruth Westheimer So, what is ghosting someone? You probably know, but in case you don’t, ghosting means someone just stops communicating without giving any reason why. Suddenly your texts and any other forms of communication might just as well have not been sent. Would you ghost someone? If you would, or if you have, then you shouldn’t feel too badly if someone does it to you. If it’s behavior that you condemn, then chalk up being ghosted as part of the process of discovery and realize that you just learned something about this person that would have made him or her unacceptable to you in the long run. Benching is when someone is stringing you along. It can be more harmful than ghosting because it leaves you hope and might cause you to wait for this person, which is just a waste of time. According to my philosophy, wasting time is the worst thing you can do since we all have so precious little of it. So, if you sense that you might be on the bench, forget about this person as quickly as possible and move on. Orbiting occurs when you think you’ve been ghosted but discover that the person is still checking up on you on various social media sites. Is he/she still interested? Is this a form of flirting or just being curious? It’s hard to tell, which makes this habit very annoying. Breadcrumbing occurs when someone is leaving a trail of social “breadcrumbs” so that you assume there’s some interest, but you don’t know for sure because there’s no direct contact, and you want to scream, “&^%* or get off the pot!” Be careful of all of these new ways of being rude because they’re distractions. You’re in pursuit of love, and devoting psychic energy and time to these people who are hanging around on the periphery of your life is only going to delay you arriving at the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. How to deal with rejection Dating is a two-way proposition, and so you’re bound to be rejected occasionally, or maybe over and over. Dealing with rejection is hard but becomes less so when it occurs regularly. The danger with frequent rejection is that you put up a wall in order to protect yourself from being disappointed, and that in turn causes you to hide your true personality — thus making it even more likely that you’ll be rejected. Is it worthwhile to be rejected again and again, each rejection delivering a blow to your ego? If in the end you’re going to discover true love, then the answer would be yes. But to hasten the pace of getting that one special person you’re seeking, I’d suggest learning from those rejections and seeing whether there’s something you might be doing that is putting others off. Don't let rejection defeat you — put yourself out there I accept that these days a lot more relationships are formed via computers and phones than using the older methods. You almost have no choice but to follow the herd. Notice I said “almost.” The older methods of finding a partner may not be used as much, but they still can work. My advice to anyone looking for someone to date is to tell everyone you know — friends, family members, neighbors — that you’re available. You might think that your great aunt doesn’t know any single people your age, but the women she plays cards with might have relatives who would be perfect. The other piece of advice I have for singles is not to sit home by the phone. I understand that this expression is a little dated since in today’s world your phone goes with you wherever you go, but there are plenty of people who will binge-watch some show, maybe even on their phone, instead of going out. If you’re outside, there’s always the chance of meeting someone. If you glue yourself inside your own four walls, chance meetings are out of the question. Some people say they don’t like the bar scene, and whenever they go to the corner launderette, there isn’t a single person in sight. So, what do you do? You do something that you enjoy. You take a class in a subject that’s always interested you. You go to a ball game. You take your phone to the nearest Starbucks. You can’t win the lottery if you never buy a ticket, and sitting at home is just like being ticketless. I’m not saying that you will meet someone by joining the local book club or going to a religious service, I’m only saying that the odds of you meeting someone increase if you’re out and about. And if you’re doing something enjoyable, at least you won’t have wasted your time. If you’ve tested positive for a disease, then you’re better off bringing up the subject sooner rather than later. Of course if you can sense in the first few minutes of a date that you’d never want to have sex with this person, then it would be useless to raise this issue but if you’re interested then don’t wait so long that you could get your heart broken in case this person ends up ghosting you after you reveal this about yourself.

Article / Updated 06-21-2023

You’ve probably noticed people are using a variety of terms these days to describe gender and sexual identities. As more people become comfortable talking about their personal experiences of gender and sexual orientation, we see there’s a broad spectrum that stretches far beyond male, female, straight, and gay. But with so many sexual and gender identity terms, including gay, lesbian, bisexual, bigender, genderfluid, pansexual, and several others, it can get confusing. Read on to learn about these identities and other related terminology. Agender Being agender may be experienced as identifying outside the binary of man and woman, fluctuating between gender identities or feeling as though no gender identity fully encapsulates one’s experience. Agender experiences overlap with non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid, genderfree, genderless, and gender non-conforming identities, and can often flux between multiple groups at once. Agender folx (learn about the term “folx” in the section below) may experience gender dysphoria (bodily or psychologically), pursue medical and hormonal transitions, go by any pronouns (to learn about pronouns, see the section below) they specify, and experience any form of attraction (sexual, romantic, emotional, aesthetic, etc.). To learn more about being agender how agender folx describe their experiences, check out these sites: GenderGP — Article; Nonbinary Wiki; Gender Wiki. Asexual & aromantic Someone who is asexual doesn’t experience sexual attraction. Likewise, someone who is aromantic doesn’t experience romantic attraction. The two terms often come up together, but someone can identify as one, both, or neither. These terms have to do with sexual orientation, not gender identity. Some asexual people may still choose to engage in sexual activities, and others don’t want to. Some aromantic people may still find themselves with a long-term partner, or they may not want that. Everyone experiences these attractions to a different extent, and there are several more nuanced identities within the ace and aro umbrellas. These identities can remind us of how baked-in the cultural messaging is that everyone wants a sexual and romantic partner. Allonormativity is the assumption that everyone wants a sexual partner, and amatonormativity is the assumption that everyone is seeking romance. Bisexual A person who is bisexual experiences attraction to more than one gender, including their own (if they identify with one). Bisexuality is not a gender identity, and therefore anyone can be bisexual — cisgender people, trans people, and people who don't conform to gender at all. It's also possible to be biromantic and asexual — biromantic people experience romantic attraction to more than one gender, but not sexual attraction. Bisexuals can use any pronouns, so ask if you're unsure! There is a lot of confusion surrounding bisexuality. Many people think bisexual means "attracted to two genders" due to the "bi" part, with the default being men and women due to cisheteronormativity. However, this is not the case — prior to being the label we use today, "bisexual" was actually used for intersex individuals, which is where the notion of "two" originated. Bisexuality is inclusive and doesn't exist on a binary, and bisexuals can and do date trans people — and some are trans. Bigender A person who is bigender experiences exactly two gender identities — sometimes at the same time and sometimes shifting between the two. This often refers to people who identify as both male and female but can also include non-binary identities as well. For example, a bigender person might identify as agender and genderqueer, or any other combination of two genders. Bigender people may use any set or pronouns — if you don’t know which to use, ask! They also may have any style of gender presentation, whether that is traditionally feminine or masculine, androgynous, or anything else. Sometimes bigender people shift their gender presentation based on which gender they feel more strongly day-to-day. Sometimes they don’t! Bigender people may be any sexuality — being bigender is not the same as being bisexual. Some bigender people consider themselves trans, and some experience dysphoria and may choose to transition in some way. But this isn’t the case for everyone. Cisgender If someone is cisgender, that means their gender identity matches the gender they were assigned at birth. The term is often used to serve as an opposite of transgender. It’s usually safe to assume a cis man will use he/him pronouns and a cis woman will use she/her pronouns. Being cisgender is separate from sexual orientation. For example, a cisgender person can be lesbian, asexual, heterosexual, or any other sexual orientation. We might associate the term cisgender with people who have never questioned their gender identity and have always lived as the gender they were assigned at birth. However, it’s always okay to question your gender identity and conclude that you do identify with the gender you were assigned at birth, ending up with a fuller understanding of what your gender means to you. Folx This is an alternate spelling of the word “folks” that’s intended to specifically signal inclusivity. The queer community often uses alternate spellings of gendered words to make them less or non-gendered, often adding an “x” to the word. While “folks” is already gender neutral, using the spelling “folx” instead specifically indicates that the queer community (see the section “Queer & Questioning” for what “queer” means) or other marginalized groups are included, very intentionally. For more information and discussion around its use and a few other similar words, check out this article. Gay Gay is often used as an umbrella term to describe anyone in the LGBTQ+ community who experiences sexual and/or romantic attraction to someone of the same gender. However, it’s also sometimes used to specifically refer to men who are attracted to men. Gay people can have any gender identity and use any pronouns. This is a broad term, so it’s always good to ask if someone identifies as gay or if they prefer a different term, such as lesbian or queer. Gender identity & presentation The term gender identity refers to a person’s internal sense of who they know themselves to be. Terms for gender identity aim to capture people’s relation or lack thereof to the social constructs that their culture aligns with the sex they were assigned at birth. Gender presentation (also called gender expression) is the way in which people show their gender, including physical appearance, clothing, hairstyles, mannerisms, and more. One’s gender identity and gender presentation are separate from sexual orientation or romantic attraction (or lack thereof). People can be of any gender identity and present however they choose while experiencing any variety of attractions and using any variety of pronouns. Genderfluid A person who is genderfluid does not experience a fixed gender — that is, their gender changes over time. These changes may happen over months or years, or a person may experience several genders during the course of a single day. Genderfluid people may identify as any combination of genders that they shift between — male, female, agender, bigender, or any other identities. They may use any sets of pronouns, and some people may ask others to change the pronouns they use for them based on what gender they are feeling at a given time. Some genderfluid people consider themselves trans, while others don’t. They may also consider themselves nonbinary, but they are not automatically either. Gender nonconforming Gender nonconformity involves a person's rejection of a culture's gender norm expectations. The term usually refers to gender expression or presentation (how someone dresses), behavior, preferences and/or roles that don't conform to the gender norms for an individual's gender assigned at birth. Gender nonconformity is about how you "show up" in the world, instead of your gender identity. Anyone of any gender can be gender non-conforming. Examples of gender nonconformity in American culture cultures could include a man wearing eyeliner or being a stay-at-home dad, or a woman wearing a suit on her wedding day or pursuing a career instead of motherhood. Genderqueer Genderqueer can be used in two ways: It can be used as an umbrella term similar to “nonbinary” (though this is less common than it used to be), or it can describe an individual’s gender experience. When it is used to describe an individual, genderqueer generally means someone who doesn’t identify with the gender binary. They might identify with multiple genders, no gender, or something that is difficult to define (thus “queer”). Genderqueer people may identify as trans, but not all do. They might use any pronoun, so it is best to ask. Jacob Tobia, a fairly well-known genderqueer person, American LGBT rights activist, writer, actor, producer, and television host, shares five things to know about being genderqueer in this video. Intersex Intersex refers to people who, for a variety of different reasons, do not fall neatly into either the male or female binary sex categories. Male and female as sex categories refer to a culturally-agreed-upon collection of primary (genitalia and gonads), secondary (breasts, facial hair, etc.), and genetic (chromosomes) sex characteristics and markers. Some people know they are intersex from birth. Others may find out at puberty, when our secondary sex characteristics begin to come in. Still others may not know until well into adulthood, especially if they have an intersex variant that affects internal organs or chromosomes. Not all intersex people identify as LGBTQ+. Some people find community with LGBTQ+ people because they are intersex, some do because they have another identity that falls within the community, and others do not find it useful or aligned with their experience. Lesbian A lesbian is someone who experiences and prefers sexual or romantic attraction to women and between women. However, a non-binary person can also consider identifying as a lesbian. Some lesbians also refer to themselves as gay. Regarding pronouns, just ask the person. Nonbinary Nonbinary, sometimes shortened to NB or enby, is an adjective describing a person who does not identify exclusively as a man or woman. Non-binary people may identify as being both a man and a woman, somewhere in between, or as falling completely outside these categories. Nonbinary can also be used as an umbrella term encompassing identities such as agender, bigender, third gender, genderqueer or gender-fluid. Some might also identify as transgender, but not all non-binary people do. There are several pronouns used in the nonbinary community. These include: She, her, her, hers, and herself He, him, his, his, and himself They, them, their, theirs, and themself Ze/zie, hir, hir, hirs, and hirself Xe, xem, xyr, xyrs, and xemself Ve, ver, vis, vis, and verself Pansexual Pansexuality is usually defined as experiencing sexual attraction to all gender identities or being attracted to someone regardless of their gender identity. Its use and visibility has increased in recent decades alongside the understanding of gender as existing beyond a binary of woman and man. Often this term is used interchangeably with bisexuality, but there is a distinction between the two. Bisexuality is typically defined as attraction to more than one gender (not restricted to woman/man binary). Pansexuality is typically considered to be under the umbrella of bisexuality since it’s distinguished by an attraction to someone despite their gender. Omnisexuality is another term sometimes used by folx who wish to emphasize that gender is important to how they find someone attractive. To learn more about being pansexual, check out these sites: Stonewall Org — Pansexual Misconceptions; Them — Article; Very Well Mind — Definition Page; Bisexual Resource Center. Pronouns Pronouns are grammatical terms used to reference a person in place of a proper noun. A few examples are “she/her/hers,” “they/them/theirs,” and “he/hers/any. There’s no limit to how many pronouns an individual may be comfortable using. There’s also no definitive list of pronouns and many are still being created as our collective understanding of gender identity and expression evolves. Some people prefer going by their name only. Other folx may alternate between pronouns. Whether you’re meeting someone for the first time, haven’t asked in a while, or feel unsure how to address someone, it’s best just to ask! You can try to say things like, “What pronouns do you use?” or “Can you remind me what pronouns you use?” Sharing your pronouns (like in your email signatures or as part of your greetings in phone calls and meetings) is a great place to start as well. For more resources and information, check out these sites: University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee — Pronouns Resource Page; The Center — Resources. Queer & questioning The Q in the LGBTQ+ acronym refers to queer and/or questioning. Queer is another umbrella term that can include any LGBTQ+ identity. People who use this label often use it to mean they fall outside of the cultural norms of binary gender and heterosexuality. Some may also use this label when they hold more than one LGBTQ+ identity. It has become more popular mostly among younger folks who have been reclaiming the label “queer” as it has been used as a slur in the past. Because of this, not everyone in the community feels comfortable identifying as queer. Before using this term to describe a person or group, it’s good to ask if they like to use this label or not. The term “questioning” can apply to anyone who is questioning or exploring their gender identity, sexual orientation, or both. It often refers to youth, but it can apply to anyone, as it’s not uncommon for our identities to shift throughout our life. Someone who is questioning may be wondering for the first time if they fit into the LGBTQ+ community, or they may be exploring different identity labels or pronouns. Transgender Transgender (sometimes shortened as “trans”) is an umbrella term describing individuals whose gender identity differs from the one assigned to them at birth. Non-binary individuals (and those who may identify otherwise outside of the gender binary) may also consider themselves as part of the transgender spectrum. Assigned gender is the medical term used to describe the assumed gender of a newborn child based on their primary sex characteristics (genitals). One’s gender identity does not indicate how one’s gender is expressed, nor what sexual attraction an individual may or may not experience. Transgender people can experience any sexual orientation and romantic attraction (or lack thereof) and may use a variety of pronouns. As always, when you’re unsure what pronouns someone goes by, it’s best to ask. To learn more and for further resources, check out these books and sites: The Trevor Project Resources; Trans Lifeline Resources. Two-spirit Two-spirit is a term used by some indigenous peoples in North America and refers to a person who identifies as having both a masculine and feminine spirit. It is an umbrella term which can be used to describe sexual orientation, gender, and/or spiritual identity. If you see a “2” or “2S” in a longer version of the LGBTQ+ acronym, this is what it stands for. The term “two-spirit” was coined by Elder Myra Laramee in 1990 as a way for Native American and First Nations peoples to refer to their experiences with non-Western and non-binary gender, sexuality, and spiritual selves. It is a translation of the Anishinaabemowin term niizh manidoowag, or literally “two spirits.” People who fall under the umbrella term “two-spirit” may use just that label or may also use other culturally-specific terminology for themselves. Not every LGBTQ+ Native American or First Nations person is two-spirit. Unlike the other terms discussed in this deck, “two-spirit” is a closed identity. This means that not everyone can use this term to describe themselves. Because of its cultural significance, only Native American and First Nations people may be and use the term two-spirit.

Article / Updated 06-05-2023

An unfortunate consequence of separation and divorce is that a large number of fathers are separated from their children. Separation should be no barrier to continuing to be a great dad and role model for your child or children. There’s very little difference between the responsibilities of a nonresident father and a living-at-home father. You don’t have to be going through separation to be regarded as a remote father. Fathers who are away overseas on military service, fathers who are in prison, and dads who are very busy or travel often can also be considered remote fathers. Here are some tips for continuing to be a great dad, even though you can’t be there for every bedtime: Be punctual. If you’re expected at noon, be there at 12 p.m. sharp. Waiting around for you can be very hard on a young child, especially one who doesn’t understand why you don’t live at home anymore. Don’t slack off on all those fatherly duties you may have had when you were still living with your kids, such as discipline and encouraging their development. Be consistent with your rules and boundaries. As difficult as it may be, you also need to work hard to agree to some basic principles for disciplining your children with your ex. And of course, keep going with the principles of parenting — provide your child with love and warmth, a secure and safe environment, and lots of time spent listening to and talking with him. Foster a good working relationship with your child’s mother. Your child will pick up on when things aren’t going well between you two, so work hard at putting the anger, bitterness, or frustrations behind you. Keep your promises. If you told your child that you’d be there on Thursday to pick him up after school, then do it. Take care of yourself, mentally and physically. Being positive and happy is rough after separation and divorce, but it makes you a positive role model for your kids. Neglecting your basic needs (eating decent food, showering every day, getting some exercise, and keeping your place tidy) or turning your place into a new bachelor pad is not a great situation for your children to spend time with you. Try to avoid falling into the trap of buying your kids special presents or taking them on special outings all the time in an attempt to be the favorite parent or to ensure they love you. They love you unconditionally, and the best things you can give them are your time, respect, and unconditional love. When you drop off your child at his mother’s house, try not to draw out the goodbyes like you’re about to go to the moon for a month. Normalize the situation by telling him good night, that you love him, and that you’ll see him very soon. Your child may be feeling abandoned, resentful that you’ve left, or just plain confused about when he’ll see you again. Being on time and a man of your word means your little one can trust in you and believe in what you say. Remind him that even though you don’t live at his home anymore, you’ll always be there for him.

Article / Updated 05-24-2023

Terms such as transgender and gender identity have been in the news a lot in recent years. Awareness of gender diversity and transgender people has increased dramatically — in health care, in the media, in the workplace, and in politics. As more transgender people are comfortable sharing who they are, the number of Americans who say they know transgender people has gone up. In 2021, 42 percent — about 4 in 10 — Americans said they personally know someone who is transgender, according to a 2021 survey by the Pew Research Center. That's an increase of five percentage points since 2017. Also, about a quarter of Americans (26 percent) said they know someone who goes by gender-neutral pronouns, the 2021 Pew study found. Until you have a chance to get to know some people who identify as transgender and hear their stories, it’s natural to be confused or to have questions or concerns. What’s the difference between sex and gender? Before digging into what the word transgender means, make sure you've got down the basic definitions of sex and gender. People tend to use these two terms interchangeably, but the terms sex and gender refer to different characteristics about an individual. Here’s what’s really going on. Assigned sex A person’s sex or assigned sex generally refers to the body’s biological make-up — including reproductive organs as well as chromosomes. Most people are assigned either male or female after a quick visual inspection by a doctor in the hospital delivery room, or even earlier through medical technology such as an ultrasound. Courts in different states have used various criteria (e.g., the ability to bear a child, XX versus XY chromosomes, and so on) by which to make an “either/or” decision about whether a person should be considered male or female. Sex is really not a binary classification; it just happens to be dominated by two sexes: male and female. This is true throughout nearly all known species of life. For that reason, every attempt by courts to draw a definitive line in the sand has been faulty, as many exceptions can be demonstrated for each one. Gender Gender refers to the set of traits and characteristics that over time have come to be assumed of (some might say imposed upon) one’s assigned sex. Pretty much across the board, male-bodied people are assumed to be “boys” as children and “men” as adults. Female-bodied people are assumed to be “girls,” then “women.” From “boys don’t cry” to “that’s not very lady-like,” children are taught from an early age how they are expected to behave based on their sex, and those who misbehave usually have a price to pay. But what is a man, exactly? What is a woman? Why is a man “supposed” to be out working while the woman stays home to care for the children? Why is an assertive man considered to be confident and compelling, while an assertive woman with the same type of personality is called all kinds of unflattering names? Those assumed stereotypical characteristics about gender vary from culture to culture and from generation to generation, however. Reflecting on U.S. history, pink and red were long considered bold, passionate colors more appropriate for men (“The Redcoats are coming!”). The more “delicate and dainty” blue was recommended for women. This color rule was reflective of the color differences often found in the animal world: the males are brightly colored in order to attract mates. The females don’t have to worry so much about what they look like, since they know the males will be interested either way. These color assignments didn’t change until 1947, when famed designer Christian Dior initiated a pink-dominated fashion reset for women returning to homemaking after working in factories during World War II. Suddenly, anything marketed to women had to be pink. Soon after, any man who dared to like pink was eschewed. What is gender identity? Believe it or not, until as recently as the 1960s, being left-handed was considered shameful, awkward, and unnatural in some cultures, including much of the United States. Many left-handed school children were literally forced to write with only their right hands, regardless of which one was naturally dominant — sometimes even beaten or punished if they did not or could not comply. As a result, left-handers suppressing their true nature often not only had atrocious penmanship, but tended to do poorly in school and otherwise failed to thrive. This forced compliance served to perpetuate the stereotype that lefties were somehow defective and needed to be made, well, “right.” These days, most folks wouldn’t dream of punishing a child for favoring the left hand over the right. Everyone has a dominant hand. It's understood that most people are right-handed, but some are naturally left-handed. Some write with the left, but do everything else with the right. Others are ambidextrous, or comfortable using either hand for the same tasks. Science doesn’t yet completely understand exactly why this variance happens, but it does. Gender identity, sometimes called affirmed gender, refers to an individual’s own psychological sense of self — who you know yourself to be. Similar to handedness, everyone has a dominant, persistent gender identity, and that identity is considered to be an immutable core psychological characteristic. It’s not a matter of preference and not something you can simply change because you want to. Just like knowing whether you are left- or right-handed, it’s hard-wired in the brain. Borrowed from organic chemistry, the Latin prefixes cis- (“on this side”) and trans- (“across from”) are used to describe which type of gender identity someone has: cisgender or transgender. Cisgender Anyone whose gender identity is harmoniously aligned with the sex they were assigned at birth is considered cisgender. In most cases, cisgender identity is taken for granted, because the vast majority of the population enjoy the luxury of having a gender identity that fits relatively well with their assigned sex. Most people who are assigned female at birth know themselves to be women, for example, and they’re okay with that. They might not enjoy every single thing about what it means to be a woman in today’s world. (You sure can’t blame them if pantyhose is high on that list!) But overall, they’re satisfied with being women. So, for cisgender people, their gender identity is “on this side” with their assigned sex. Transgender When one’s gender identity is “across from” one’s assigned sex, that person is in essence transgender, although they may or may not use this word to describe themselves. The term transgender itself is used both to describe a particular type of gender identity as well as sort of a shortcut to collectively describe a whole bunch of different types of people whose genders don’t fit neatly into the M or F checkbox. Some other words you might hear are transsexual, gender-creative, bigender, trans man or trans woman, genderqueer, gender-diverse, affirmed male or affirmed female, a woman (or man) of transsexual history, non-binary, questioning, agender, and many others. It’s impossible to define each of these different terms accurately. Like genes, individual people’s identities are as different as snowflakes, including the words they use to define their gender and what those words mean to them. Culture, race, ethnicity, and community traditions often influence the terms people use as well. Transgender (or just simply trans) is currently the most commonly used term. But don’t assume that it works in every situation. It’s important to use whatever term(s) the person uses. Anything else is considered rude. Along these same lines, don’t assume that everyone who is transgender addresses the situation in the same way. Being transgender doesn’t automatically mean a person needs to change anything, although most trans people tend to make at least minor adjustments to ease the anguish they’re experiencing. It could be as simple as choosing a less gendered name, such as going from Mary Ann to Jordan, or from Richard to Rey. If the individual’s level of discomfort and distress is more intense, they may pursue more comprehensive treatment, which might include cross-sex hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and perhaps gender-confirming surgical procedures. These procedures are considered medically necessary — life-saving, in fact — for many people. Several federal, state, local, and corporate policies now include nondiscrimination protection for gender identity, including Medicare and the IRS. Only the individual can say for sure whether they are transgender, cisgender, or anything else — it’s not something you can decide for someone else, not even if you’re a doctor. Nor can you simply tell if someone is or is not transgender by looking at them. Because it is such an innate thing, a lot of people might not think of themselves as somehow gender “transgressive,” even when other people might think it is very obvious. But if you ask them, they might say, “Nope, I’m not trans, I’m just me!” On the other hand, most transgender people don’t look or act any differently than the rest of the people out there, so you’d never know that their lives’ journeys had taken a few more turns and detours than most. Just to be clear, intersex and transgender are not the same thing. Intersex is a mix of physiological sex characteristics, while transgender is a conflict between a core psychological characteristic (gender) and a core physiological characteristic (sex). What is gender expression? Gender expression is a set of visual cues and other signals intended to help others of your species determine how to interact with you. Your gender expression is how you show the world your gender identity. Gender is expressed or presented in myriad ways. The signals can include what you wear, how you sound when you talk, how long you wear your hair, and even what you call yourself or do for a living. Some people have a feminine gender expression, some are masculine or manly, and some are androgynous (a little of both or none of either). It all depends on what feels right to that person in that moment. Just as sex characteristics will develop differently in each person, one individual’s gender expression is going to be a little bit different than another’s. Babies are not born wearing lipstick or neckties. Nevertheless, Western society has some very rigid group-think ideas about how a person of a particular sex should look and behave. Those rules mean that a male-bodied person is supposed to consider himself a man (whatever that is), and “act like one,” too. Ask any guy who prefers a good book over the Super Bowl how many times other people have questioned his masculinity if he admitted that fact in public: “Man up, dude! What the heck’s wrong with you?” If the eyes see a tall, broad-shouldered person with a square jaw and the ears hear a deep voice, the brain takes that input, runs its high-speed data analysis process, and returns the results: male. The mouth then automatically wants to say “Hello, sir.” But what if that same tall, broad-shouldered person is wearing a beautiful dress, a string of pearls, lipstick, and a tasteful dash of blush? How should you respond? Well, if you were paying attention a moment ago, you know that gender expression helps you show the world who you are. So if in your culture women often wear beautiful dresses, pearls, and makeup, and this person is wearing all those things and introduces herself as Susan, you should say “Hello, ma’am. Nice to meet you, Susan.” Susan is showing you (expressing) that she’s a woman with the things she can control (feminine attire, feminine name) and hoping you can ignore or at least not include those things she can’t so easily control (her height, for example). Thus, it’s appropriate and respectful to refer to her with feminine pronouns and use the name she provided when she introduced herself.

Article / Updated 05-19-2023

Camping with children is an outstanding way to share a love for the outdoors without breaking the budget. While family backpacking or camping does take a great deal of planning and loads of patience, it is a rewarding activity for both you and your children. If you have gone camping before, you will quickly realize that to go camping with children requires added responsibility and alertness on a parent's part. Common sense and good judgment are the rule. Not surprisingly, the crucial point to a successful camping trip with parents and children is often rooted in their first experiences outdoors together. A question commonly posed is, "When is my child old enough to begin hiking and camping?" The answer depends on your child. No two personalities are the same; no two children the same. What may work for one family may not work for another. The following guidelines can help you decide when and where to introduce your child to the great outdoors, but please remember that the only firm guide is each child's particular personality and physical condition. Whatever the activity, you must let them pace themselves. Infant: Pediatricians recommend that parents wait until the child is 5 months old before venturing into the wilderness. This is when a child can easily sit up and support their own weight and has fallen into a fairly regular sleep pattern. Use a sturdy child carrier that is safe and secure for the child and comfortable for you. Toddler: Between the ages of 2 and 4, children are still getting used to the idea of being on two points of balance and not four. Short hikes between half a mile and 2 miles are ideal as long as the terrain is flat and secure to walk on. Take regular walks in a neighborhood park to get a feel for your child's attention span. Expect a focused attention span of around 10 minutes for younger children and up to 30 minutes for older children. Ages 5-9: Longer hikes at an easy pace over easy terrain are now possible. Children are beginning to develop more physical and mental durability. This is an ideal age to begin allowing your child to become involved in most aspects of the trip, from planning and packing to helping lead. The older your child is in this age group, the more likely moderate goal setting will be effective. Just make sure that the goals are shared and not an unrealistic attempt on the parent's part to "motivate" the child up an impossible hill or over a 10-mile endurance test. Ages 10-13: Children in this age range are becoming increasingly conditioned physically. Emotionally, they are more likely to be able to handle moderately challenging situations, but they are also more likely to question the worth of anything extremely difficult. Hikes up to 10 miles are possible as long as the terrain is not too hilly or mountainous. Children in this age group thrive on being the leader — diplomatic and judicious support from parents is key. Menu planning, route finding, cooking, and camp setup are reasonable tasks to assign to kids at this age, but be careful that they do not take on too much and begin to feel like all they are doing is working. Ages 14-18: Distances up to 12 miles become reasonable in this age group. Terrain choices and goal setting can become more challenging, but the axiom remains the same: Any choice must be a group choice, or the parent risks making the children feel dragged along. Children are encountering growth spurts during this period and are definitely vulnerable to stress and overuse injuries. Use caution and listen to your children — they may need to back off a hike. Be prepared to get down and dirty with your children. Experience the outdoors with them — don't just watch them. Parents shouldn't scold their children for getting up close and personal with a mud puddle, dirt, a bug, or more. Become childlike in your pursuit of the outdoors and your children will appreciate even more the time you spend together in the wilds. This is not to say that you have to get filthy to appreciate being in the outdoors. However, a little dirt should not hold you back — whether you're a grown-up or a child.

Article / Updated 05-03-2023

You have either been granted a parenting order by the courts or negotiated with your former partner to be the primary caregiver. It’s more unusual for dads to be primary caregivers than it is for moms, so take pride that you’re blazing a trail for dads everywhere! As the primary caregiver, you’re in charge of your kids. Whenever you have to make a decision about your family, keep in mind that the kids come first. Coming to terms with being a primary caregiver Having day-to-day care of your children on your own can be both exciting and terrifying. Being primary caregiver is a huge responsibility, and you need to take a lot into consideration: How do you look after yourself in all this? How will you handle contact arrangements with your former partner? How often will your children see your former partner’s family? Where will you find the money for mortgage payments or rent, food, clothes and school uniforms, school fees, doctor’s visits, transport, school supplies, extracurricular activities, and sports fees? Will you work, or receive welfare or child support payments? How much time will you have for paid employment? How will you juggle your children’s school and sports schedules? How are you going to sort out life with your children if you have a new partner? At times it may seem daunting to be a single dad, but plenty of single moms are out there looking after children and doing a bang-up job. A dad can do just as good a job as a mom! It helps to have a routine and make sure your kids know what’s happening. Enlisting family to give you some space or help with pick-ups or babysitting from time to time also helps. Supporting your children’s mother Even though you’re not partners in a romantic sense, you and your children’s mother are still partners in a parenting sense. Whatever happened during the marriage or partnership that caused the breakdown and separation, it’s time to let go of the negative feelings — the hurt, the resentment, the anger — and get on with raising your children as best as you can. Your children need their mother around. Although she doesn’t live with your children anymore, she can see them all the time and have a close, loving bond with them. What can you do to support the relationship between your kids and their mom? Here are some ideas: Just like bedtime and dinnertime, you might like to make mom time a daily ritual. Mom could call at the same time each night to say good night or read a bedtime story on the phone. If she lives nearby, she could come over for half an hour at the same time each night to tuck the children in. Keep your children’s mother up to date with your children’s progress at school, any special events that are coming up, or parent–teacher evenings she should attend. Keep your negative comments about your kids’ mom to yourself — bad-mouthing her to your children is not okay. They love their mother and have trust in her, and eroding those feelings helps no one. Realize your former partner may be feeling inadequate or irresponsible as a mother. Appreciate that this arrangement is probably quite tough for her. Share pictures, stories, artwork, and school successes with your former partner so she still feels a part of what the children are up to when she’s not there. Try not to be too rigid with contact arrangements. Go easy on your ex-partner if she’s a little late. At the beginning she may be a bit nervous or unsure of how her relationship with her kids is going to work out. Make sure the kids are ready to go when she arrives and pack their bags so she’s not caught out without diapers or sippy cups. Seeking help and assistance As the primary caregiver of the children, you may require some (or loads) of help and assistance. You shouldn’t hold back from making use of what is available. Parenting courses In some cases, courts can require you to complete online parenting courses during the divorce process. Websites such as positiveparenting.com can provide you with a list of acceptable courses. Fatherhood.gov can help you find local programs in your state as well as provide other sources of information that can help you be the best parent possible. Financial help Contact the appropriate government department to see whether you’re eligible for any benefits or tax credits. The IRS website can give you information on whether or not you qualify, based on your income and other factors. Getting out and about Just knowing you’re part of a wider network of dads raising their kids alone and well is invaluable. It’s also really healthy for your kids to know they’re not the only ones dealing with mom and dad being apart. If parents’ groups or dads’ groups are close to where you are, join in so you can network with other parents. Personal help The end of a relationship can bring up some personal issues. You may realize you need help with anger management, self-esteem, or managing stress. Don’t procrastinate — if you feel you could benefit from a coach, therapist, or other specialist, pick up the phone or search the Internet. Your kids need you to be the best dad you can be, so if that means getting a bit of help, just do it. Having fun Despite everything that has happened, spending time with your children is still generally great fun. But you may encounter some times when it isn’t so much fun. When you’ve had a rough day in the office and come home to bills in the mail and children who turn up their noses at their dinner, just stop for a moment and clear your head. Take a look at your children’s faces. Remember how much you love them and how they make you smile and laugh. Your children are worth every bit of extra effort in the end. Your children will bring you more joy than frustration if you’re open to it. Play and interact with your children as much as you can. Read books together, give them lots of hugs, and let yourself be a bit silly with them. Children can learn so much from an involved and caring father. If you’re an older dad, constant playing can take a toll on you, so get other family members involved, set up play dates, and share the fun, while you spend time with adults watching the children have fun. Actually, this is highly recommended for parents of all ages!

Article / Updated 04-17-2023

Pregnancy looks easy when it’s happening to someone else. As a man, you don’t have to endure what’s going on in a pregnant woman’s body 24/7 — and there’s a lot going on. Helping in any way you can is greatly appreciated. Take care of your partner Growing a baby is hard work and takes quite a physical toll on a woman’s body. Sure, some women climb mountains and run marathons up to the day they give birth, but those are exceptions rather than your average woman’s pregnancy experience. For starters, morning sickness can be debilitating, and for some women the morning sickness never eases until the pregnancy is over. The tiredness and carrying around all that blood, fluid, and an extra person puts all sorts of strains on the female body. Look after your partner 24/7 if need be, especially if she’s having a difficult pregnancy, and do all you can to make life easier for her. It may mean looking after the household for nine months all by yourself, and for sure you’ll get sick of it. But let’s face it — would you prefer to squeeze a baby out of your body? So, man up and do whatever needs doing in the house. Get on the wagon Your partner has to stay off alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, blue cheese, seafood, and a whole lot of other stuff to keep that baby in there safe and sound. Seeing you downing a pint of beer and enough salami to sink a small ship could be enough to send her over the edge. Staying off alcohol and cigarettes, not to mention anything heavier you may be into, and eating what she can eat is not only better for you, but it sets up a precedent for how you intend to live as a father. Give your partner some “me” time every now and then The prospect of becoming a mother, while really exciting for your partner, is also a daunting one, both mentally and physically. For most mothers, the first few months after birth end up being a 24-hour, seven-days-a-week job. Even though they traded in their old life of meetings, schedules, work commitments, and deadlines that they may have no sentimental attachment to, for the care of a tiny, helpless baby whom they love, the role can be overwhelming. Over the next few years — perhaps until your child has left home — your partner’s always going to have one eye on what she’s doing and one eye on your child. So in the months before this all kicks off, let her have some time that’s just for her. Be there for the medical stuff Go along to all the medical appointments, scans, and meetings with your midwife or obstetrician. Your partner will want you to be there to share in it. The first time you hear your baby’s heartbeat through the Doppler or see the faint shadows of your baby moving and bouncing around in your partner’s belly during an ultrasound scan, you’ll be glad you came along. Although you’re not carrying the baby right now, that tiny growing thing in there is your child too. Your place is to know about how well he’s developing, any potential health issues, and what options you as a couple have for welcoming your child into the world. Get with the program Start getting some hands-on practice with essential baby knowledge and skills. Moms-to-be love to see their partners getting excited about their new life as parents, and what better way to show it than to throw yourself into the preparations? There’s so much to learn about looking after a newborn baby and the months after that, so why not find out all you can about it? Ask your midwife or obstetrician about prenatal classes in your area and discuss which one you think would suit you and your partner best. Make it a priority to never miss a class, even if there’s work to be done at the office or you’ve been invited to drinks after work. Let’s face it; the office and your work will be there for a long time. Preparing for your first child happens only once in your life. Go on a babymoon As a couple, now is the perfect time to take a relaxing and indulgent holiday somewhere. Don’t choose a 10-mile hike in the mountains. Someplace where lounge chairs and swimming pools are more common than office buildings, with great restaurants and shops to browse. Somewhere the two of you can just hang out, sleep late, read books, and do whatever you want when you want. Check with your healthcare provider before heading off to parts unknown. She may suggest not traveling for a certain number of weeks before your partner’s due date or to certain parts of the world. Be excited about becoming a dad Finding out you’re going to be a dad is a little scary. You may have some reservations because of your own childhood, your financial situation, or the responsibility you’re going to have. Your partner may also share some of those worries and concerns, but burying your head in the sand and pretending the baby’s not going to arrive won’t help. Even if the impending change of lifestyle takes a while to sink in, you can definitely make the pregnancy experience more enjoyable for your partner if you show a bit of excitement about becoming a dad. Showing your partner that you’re excited will get her excited and happy about becoming a mom. You want her to be happy and excited. Celebrate! In a few months when the baby is born, you’ll be celebrating a new person’s presence in your life. Not just any new person, but the person who is on this Earth because of you. That’s pretty special! But it does come with a price — temporary sleep deprivation and a restricted social life. So make the most of your quiet nights and unlimited access to the outside world now! Take your partner out for a posh dinner somewhere fancy, visit a special place together — do whatever spins your wheels as a couple. Record that beautiful belly In our great-grandmothers’ and grandmothers’ days, having a whole litter of children was common, and the pregnant belly was hidden away as if it were some kind of obscenity. These days, though, it’s rare to have more than five or six children, and more usual for a woman to have one to three children in her lifetime. Celebrating the physical changes that take place during pregnancy, such as the voluptuous new shape of a pregnant belly and those plus-sized breasts that you gotta love, is now more usual. Most pregnant women, while despising the weight they put on, love their bellies, so get out your camera from week one and get snapping. Keep telling your partner how beautiful she is For many women, the hardest part of pregnancy is near the due date. Your partner may be having a difficult time getting comfortable at night and suffering from heartburn, hemorrhoids, and various aches and pains. She may have stretch marks, and her legs and feet may be sausage-shaped. Your partner’s tired all the time but can’t sleep. She wants her body back but is frightened about how she’s going to handle giving birth. You, as your partner’s great ally, her support, and her rock, will earn mega brownie points and endear yourself to her always if you keep telling her how beautiful she is. She wants to know that you still find her attractive — not just because of the way she looks, but because of who she is and the fact that she’s going to make a wonderful mother.