Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

Article / Updated 06-28-2023

Dr. Ruth, America’s favorite psychosexual therapist, talks about the new forms of rejection—ghosting, benching, orbiting, and breadcrumbing—in a new edition of the fun and comprehensive guide to sex. As app dating has evolved, so have those who abuse this new method of finding a partner. Not only do you need to know how to deal with rejection, but you have to know how to deal with it on social media. That’s not to say that everyone you’d meet using the old methods had perfect manners, but I do find that some of these new ways of making people feel miserable are almost worse as they can be such time wasters. "No ghosting!" — Dr. Ruth Westheimer So, what is ghosting someone? You probably know, but in case you don’t, ghosting means someone just stops communicating without giving any reason why. Suddenly your texts and any other forms of communication might just as well have not been sent. Would you ghost someone? If you would, or if you have, then you shouldn’t feel too badly if someone does it to you. If it’s behavior that you condemn, then chalk up being ghosted as part of the process of discovery and realize that you just learned something about this person that would have made him or her unacceptable to you in the long run. Benching is when someone is stringing you along. It can be more harmful than ghosting because it leaves you hope and might cause you to wait for this person, which is just a waste of time. According to my philosophy, wasting time is the worst thing you can do since we all have so precious little of it. So, if you sense that you might be on the bench, forget about this person as quickly as possible and move on. Orbiting occurs when you think you’ve been ghosted but discover that the person is still checking up on you on various social media sites. Is he/she still interested? Is this a form of flirting or just being curious? It’s hard to tell, which makes this habit very annoying. Breadcrumbing occurs when someone is leaving a trail of social “breadcrumbs” so that you assume there’s some interest, but you don’t know for sure because there’s no direct contact, and you want to scream, “&^%* or get off the pot!” Be careful of all of these new ways of being rude because they’re distractions. You’re in pursuit of love, and devoting psychic energy and time to these people who are hanging around on the periphery of your life is only going to delay you arriving at the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. How to deal with rejection Dating is a two-way proposition, and so you’re bound to be rejected occasionally, or maybe over and over. Dealing with rejection is hard but becomes less so when it occurs regularly. The danger with frequent rejection is that you put up a wall in order to protect yourself from being disappointed, and that in turn causes you to hide your true personality — thus making it even more likely that you’ll be rejected. Is it worthwhile to be rejected again and again, each rejection delivering a blow to your ego? If in the end you’re going to discover true love, then the answer would be yes. But to hasten the pace of getting that one special person you’re seeking, I’d suggest learning from those rejections and seeing whether there’s something you might be doing that is putting others off. Don't let rejection defeat you — put yourself out there I accept that these days a lot more relationships are formed via computers and phones than using the older methods. You almost have no choice but to follow the herd. Notice I said “almost.” The older methods of finding a partner may not be used as much, but they still can work. My advice to anyone looking for someone to date is to tell everyone you know — friends, family members, neighbors — that you’re available. You might think that your great aunt doesn’t know any single people your age, but the women she plays cards with might have relatives who would be perfect. The other piece of advice I have for singles is not to sit home by the phone. I understand that this expression is a little dated since in today’s world your phone goes with you wherever you go, but there are plenty of people who will binge-watch some show, maybe even on their phone, instead of going out. If you’re outside, there’s always the chance of meeting someone. If you glue yourself inside your own four walls, chance meetings are out of the question. Some people say they don’t like the bar scene, and whenever they go to the corner launderette, there isn’t a single person in sight. So, what do you do? You do something that you enjoy. You take a class in a subject that’s always interested you. You go to a ball game. You take your phone to the nearest Starbucks. You can’t win the lottery if you never buy a ticket, and sitting at home is just like being ticketless. I’m not saying that you will meet someone by joining the local book club or going to a religious service, I’m only saying that the odds of you meeting someone increase if you’re out and about. And if you’re doing something enjoyable, at least you won’t have wasted your time. If you’ve tested positive for a disease, then you’re better off bringing up the subject sooner rather than later. Of course if you can sense in the first few minutes of a date that you’d never want to have sex with this person, then it would be useless to raise this issue but if you’re interested then don’t wait so long that you could get your heart broken in case this person ends up ghosting you after you reveal this about yourself.

Article / Updated 12-13-2021

Anybody can teach you how to make love, but I, Dr. Ruth, want you how to become a great lover. I want you to have terrrrific sex, and to do that you have to find out how to roll your Rs and heed the following tips. Start by learning how to be a good kisser. Be a good kisser The sensations caused by kissing can feel so good, so intense, that some people can kiss each other for hours. Many people have a pleasure zone—centered on oral activity. Kissing, by the way, is a gentle art. Oh, you have moments when passions run high, and you may even feel like nibbling on each other, but for the most part, being too rough with your kisses can spoil the moment rather than enhance it. Also, although many people enjoy French kissing (that is, deep-mouth kissing), some do not. You shouldn’t try to force your way into these people’s mouths because doing so only breaks the mood. Kissing is an important part of sex and one that you shouldn’t neglect, especially because you can do it almost anytime and anywhere. So go for it! Don’t make love on your first date Sex feels great, doesn’t it? But sex isn’t a toy. Sex is a serious act to be shared by responsible adults. A great lover integrates sex into an overall relationship and never has sex with someone he or she barely knows. Giving into the temptation of having sex before you really know each other can only lead to problems, such as catching a sexually transmitted disease. But even if you do escape with your health intact, you won’t be having great sex. If you wait until you’ve developed a relationship with someone, if you devote your energies to finding out enough about that someone so you grow to admire, respect, and love the person, then — and only then — can you have great sex. Set the mood as far in advance as possible A common myth says that great sex has to be spontaneous sex, but in most cases, the reverse of that is true. Now, I’m not saying that spontaneous sex can’t be great, but rarely do two people hit their peak sexual mood at just the same time without some planning. One reason is that women require a longer time to get aroused. (Guys, this is a proven medical fact, not a whim.) So the sooner you set the mood for lovemaking, the more aroused she can become. Don’t be in such a rush. The more planning and preparation you invest in making the evening (or morning or afternoon) as romantic as possible, the better the sex will be. Give your full attention to your partner the moment you walk through the door, not just before you get into bed. Spend time caressing and massaging the rest of her body before reaching for her clitoris. And afterward, don’t feel as if you have to go right to sleep or head back to your apartment as soon as you’ve had your orgasm. Ladies, if you know that you want to have sex with him, don’t be coy about it. Let him know that the answer will be yes as soon as you know it yourself. That way he can feel free to give you the best foreplay he can without worrying about whether he’s going to have his advances rejected. Find out what your partner needs Sex isn’t a selfish act. Just because no one else can feel your orgasm doesn’t mean that they can’t share in your pleasure, or you in theirs. If you want to have the strongest orgasms — the kind that make your heart beat wildly, your breath grow short, and your toes curl — then you have to work together and give as much of yourselves to each other as you can. To be more giving, you have to know what the other person needs: more foreplay, a certain touch around the anus, the sensations of oral sex, maybe a thousand little kisses. Find out how to please your partner by asking directly, trying out variations, and seeing how they are received; and if your partner does the same, your team can score great sex every time. To be the best lover you can be, do ask and do tell each other what you want. You’ve taken your clothes off, so what’s the big deal about stripping away some of that shell still covering your psyche? Sex isn’t a private act; it’s an act of sharing — and the more you share, the more there will be to share. Protect yourself and your partner Sex has never been risk free. Having an unintended pregnancy carries serious consequences. And in this era of HIV and widespread other STDs, the risks have multiplied tremendously. If you have the misguided notion that protecting yourself takes away from the pleasure of sex, then you’ve been missing out on truly great sex. The most important sex organ isn’t below your belt, but between your ears. I’m talking about your brain. If you’re worried about an unintended pregnancy or whether you’ll catch some disease, you won’t fully enjoy yourself. These types of worries can keep some men from having an erection and some women from having an orgasm, and they can lessen the pleasure for anyone. Safer sex isn’t only less dangerous, it’s also more enjoyable. So if you want to be the best lover you can be, always practice safer sex. Don’t fall into a rut The first 10, 20, or maybe even 100 times you have sex with someone, you’ll experience a certain excitement that comes from the newness of it all. But after a time, that newness begins to wear off. For some people, familiarity may be comforting, but for others, the sameness makes sex begin to wear thin. Instead of anticipating a certain caress, they begin to dread it. And so, instead of wanting to have sex, they start avoiding it, which can spell not only the end of a couple’s sex life, but the end of their entire relationship. Even if you find yourself going back to your old ways, because they do bring you a lot of pleasure, force yourself to try something new once in a while: a different sexual position, making love at a different time of day, having sex someplace you’ve never done it before, doing it fast when you usually take your time, making a point of prolonging the act as long as you can possibly stand it. If you try some new things, you may appreciate the old ways even more. And perhaps you’ll find some new ways of having sex that will make sex better than ever. Make a point of initiating these changes together. Sometimes surprises are nice, and sometimes they can shock the other person into losing the desire for sex altogether. Talk ahead of time about the different ideas that you may want to try, and have those discussions outside of the bedroom. If you need help coming up with new ideas, look at a book together, or watch a movie, and then talk over which of the new positions that you just discovered may be fun to try. Never put pressure on each other to do something that the other person really doesn’t want to do, but also don’t be so quick to say no. Fix the potholes of love Nobody is born a perfect lover. Everybody needs to practice and work at being the best lover they can become ― even you. Whatever problems you may have, be they major ones that keep you from enjoying sex altogether or minor ones that prevent you from reaching your peak sexual performance, don’t ignore them, don’t expect them to go away by themselves, and don’t spend your whole life suffering needlessly. In most cases, help is available. For some problems, you can find the answer in a book and work it out by yourself or with your partner’s help. If that approach doesn’t solve the problem, make an appointment to see a specialist. And don’t dillydally. Do it today. When it comes to most physical problems, be it a toothache or the need for new eyeglasses, you don’t hesitate to go for help. But if the issue is sexual, you become too embarrassed to talk about it. But take it from me, we sex therapists have heard it all. Sex is what we talk about all day long, and we won’t think you’re strange because you have a sexual problem. And if you’re worried that going to a sex therapist will bleed you dry, the techniques we use are short term. Sometimes even only one or two sessions can work wonders and would be well worth the investment. Use your sense of touch Researchers have done experiments in which they’ve left baby monkeys alone in a cage without any other monkeys, and the baby monkeys soon went crazy. Just giving those monkeys a soft cloth doll that they could cuddle up to was sometimes enough to get them through this solitary confinement. You’re not a monkey, but you and your partner do have the same need to be touched. Part of that touching should take place while you’re having sex. Remember, though, that the art of arousing your partner through foreplay doesn’t mean just touching the genitals. You should pay attention to every square inch of your lover. Touch her hair, stroke his back, caress her legs, rub his feet. You can both enjoy the tactile sensations. But this touching has to be a continuous process. You have to touch each other every day, several times a day, without any thought to having sex. You have to hug each other. Hold each other’s hands. Rub each other’s shoulders. Wash each other. All of that touching will bring you closer, so when the time comes to actually engage in sex, the experience will be heightened for both of you. Don’t limit this touching to your hands. Play footsie and feel how sensitive your feet can be. Lie on top of one another and feel your lover with your whole body. Put your cheeks together — both sets! Don’t be afraid to explore. Satisfy your partner even if you don’t feel like sex Each person has a different sexual appetite, so no couple is perfectly matched. One person always wants more sex than the other. And as the years go by, those roles may even switch, and then switch back again. What can you do about this? Help each other out, that’s what. You’re supposed to be lovers, so just because you aren’t in the mood for an orgasm doesn’t mean that you can’t help your partner reach sexual satisfaction. No law says that both of you have to have an orgasm every time. Now, some women “fake it.” But you don’t need to fake it. You can very simply, out of love for your partner, help him or her have an orgasm in whichever way suits you best. If you’re a woman, and you want to just lie back, that’s fine. If you’re a man, you can use your finger, or your tongue, or a vibrator. The point is, don’t force your partner to be sexually frustrated on a regular basis just because your sexual appetites are different. Remember, the Golden Rule applies to sex just as much as to every other aspect of life. Adjust to changes caused by aging If you put on some weight, do you go around with your pants unbuttoned or do you buy a new pair? If you’ve reached the limit of how far your arms can hold the newspaper, do you stop reading or get reading glasses? As the years go by, your body changes, and some of those changes can affect the way you have sex. You can refuse to adapt; you may say, “If I can’t have sex the way I used to, I won’t have it at all.” But that’s just as ridiculous as wearing your pants around your knees. You can continue to have good sex, even great sex, up into your 90s, but you’ll have to make some changes in your sex life. As they grow older, men lose their ability to have psychogenic erections, which means you’ll no longer have erections just by thinking about something sexy, and instead will need physical stimulation. But is asking your wife to fondle your penis really that bad? Instead of being ashamed, let yourself get carried away by it, learn to enjoy it, and work it into being a pleasant part of foreplay. Post-menopausal women no longer lubricate the way they used to, and this problem can cause intercourse to become painful for them. This lack of lubrication is no calamity, however, because every drugstore sells very good products that can take the place of your natural lubricants and make sex just as enjoyable as it was before menopause. No matter how well the years treat you, your body will undergo changes. But instead of letting those changes negatively impact your sex life, find out how to adapt to them and make sure that you continue to enjoy great sex your whole life through.

Video / Updated 11-24-2021

Dating apps are very popular these days. The basic idea behind most dating apps is the same: The app helps you find potential companions who might bring some romance into your life. I have no problem with dating apps, if people are intelligent about the way in which they use them. Watch this video, to find out why I encourage you to meet people face-to-face and engage in conversations rather than relying solely on dating apps. See also "How to Deal with Loneliness through Conversation." The apps themselves come and go. Tinder and Match.com may be the best known, but there are many, many others, such as Hinge, Bumble, Christian Mingle, eHarmony, JDate, OK Cupid, Senior People Meet, Wingman, and Zoosk. Some people use these apps only to bring some sex into their lives. If that’s what both parties are looking for, fine. But we humans need emotional relationships to feel fully satisfied, and so finding such a relationship should be your ultimate goal. There are more “serious” apps that charge a monthly fee, supposedly using science to put you together with someone whom you’ll find appealing, and other free dating apps. Which type of app you should rely on to find love depends on how much time you’re willing to invest. If you’re paying for the service, hopefully the weeding out process will be somewhat effective. If it’s free, then you become the one doing the initial weeding. And if you have a lot of money to burn, there remain matchmakers who work with you one-on-one. You might also think of using a dating app that appeals to people who are similar to you in some way. Some apps are for an older crowd, like Our Time or Silver Singles. Apps like BlackPeopleMeet or BlackSingles.com are, obviously, for African Americans, while LatinAmericanCupid.com is for Latino people. There are also plenty of niche dating services whose titles are fairly self-explanatory, including: Fitness Singles, BiCupid, Military Cupid, Dating4Disbled, and PositiveSingles. By helping you to hone in on other singles who have something in common with you, you’ll increase your chances of meeting someone you really like. Dating apps are often more suited to metropolitan areas, where there’s a larger pool of single people. A dating app does you no good if most of the people on it live far away. Before you decide on an app, see which ones seem to have the most people who live nearby. Also, ask your friends which dating app they recommend. By doing some early research, you won’t waste as much time becoming interested in people who aren’t suitable because of the distance you’d have to cross just to have a cup of coffee together. Slow down, be intentional, and look at more than profile pictures For many, it’s the swiping away aspect that’s most appealing. If one of these folks has ten minutes with nothing to do, swiping takes the place of playing Candy Crush. But with so many people adopting the attitude that this is more entertainment than a serious attempt to find true love, what are the odds of meeting with success? And that’s especially true because some of those doing the swiping are actually in a committed relationship — they’re looking for a safe way to cheat, not establish a relationship. Again, the trick is to slow down. Don’t just wear out your fingers swiping but spend the time to look more in depth at those you discover online by actually reading their profiles. Do this even of people with pictures that don't really appeal to you. You’re not a casting director or editor of a fashion magazine. You’re looking for qualities that run deeper than the surface. Make yourself believe that, and then using an app can become more rewarding. The dangers — physical and emotional — of dating apps There was a time I worried that the dangers of meeting total strangers were too great for app dating to be acceptable. But with so many people now actively taking part, the danger, while still there, becomes less. In other words, as the number of people using these apps grows, the percentage who are weirdos becomes smaller. But never forget that the "weirdos" are still out there. There’s another danger presented by these apps, and that’s the one posed to existing relationships. If you have a fight with your partner, you’re unlikely to run to a singles bar to check out what alternatives are out there. But what about opening Tinder and swiping for a while? These apps can make it appear too easy to change partners. So instead of being willing to work on a relationship, many people instead resolve to leave. In some cases the relationship wasn’t salvageable, but I would advise that if your relationship is rocky, make an honest effort to work it out before you begin swiping. When it comes to kinds of dates, remember that you can make a great impression without dinner at a five-star restaurant or tickets to the ballet. Simply getting a drink at a brewery would do. Miniature golf is also inexpensive, as would be going for a walk in the park, bowling, or meeting at a Starbucks. Because of the dating apps, some people go on a lot of dates, and that can lead to a lot of money being spent. And since it’s often the man who picks up the tab, that can be a financial burden. But even if you always share the cost, after a while it can add up. Picture perfect A quick word about the type of picture you post online. It’s been shown that an action picture receives more of a positive response than a static one. Plus, a profile picture of you doing something you enjoy sends two pieces of information — what you look like and what you like to do. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t pick the best possible photo of you playing golf, for example. You could even hire a professional photographer to take the snapshot of you swinging a club, if you’re so inclined. Just make it an action shot rather than just you looking into the camera the way you did in your high school yearbook. I witnessed a young lady taking a wide variety of selfies at a tourist spot in Greece. From the way she was posing, it was clear that these photos were for a dating app. She was being smart because the gorgeous background was definitely more stimulating than a blank wall. So, when taking a picture for a dating app, think before you snap. Remember that life isn’t a Twitter feed. No one person is going to be able to offer you a constant flow of witty conversation day in and day out. Many subtle qualities go into what makes someone a good partner, and these qualities take time to be appreciated. So, while I’m not saying not to use apps to find dates, I am saying not to let the app mentally ruin your chances of turning a date into a partner. No matter how fast your fingers can swipe, when the time comes to actually be standing side by side, slow down.

Article / Updated 11-04-2021

A bent penis is an erect penis that curves to one side or the other — and in most cases, it is absolutely normal. A curved penis simply can be a result of individual anatomy. If, however, your penis has a pronounced curve or bends sharply to the left or right — especially if penetration is impossible or if an erection is painful — you should see a urologist. You may suffer from Peyronie’s disease — where scar tissue develops in the penis. The direction that an erect penis takes depends on the proportion of crus (penis under the skin) to exposed penis. Men with a shorter crus, and thus a longer penis, are more likely to have an erection that points downward, while an erect penis that has a longer crus will probably point outward, or even straight up. Sometimes the penis also bends to the left or to the right. In the vast majority of cases, the curve falls well within the norms of most men and should not be a deterrent for a relationship. Signs of Peyronie's disease Once in a while, a man does have a more pronounced curve than most. Even the majority of these men don’t have a problem in bed, although a few may have to adjust the positions they use. Peyronie's disease results in a curved penis. Peyronie’s disease inflicts some men with a penis that bends so severely when it becomes erect that intercourse becomes impossible. The cause of the disease is unknown; in many instances, it arises as a result of an injury. In early stages of the disease, men usually experience pain associated with having an erection. Sometimes that pain begins before the actual curvature starts and serves as an early indicator of the problem. How bad can Peyronie’s disease get? Bad enough for doctors to describe severe cases in which the erect penis looks like a corkscrew. On the other end of the spectrum, the bend may be very slight, not affect the man’s ability to have intercourse, and not cause any concern. In mild cases of the disease, if the man has any pain, it usually goes away on its own; all the doctor has to do is reassure the man that in two to three months all will be well. Sometimes the curve disappears on its own. Because the disease is basically a scarring process, some men have reported positive results from taking vitamin E, although no scientific proof exists that this technique works. Surgery can sometimes remove the scarred tissue, but surgery can also result in a loss of the man’s ability to have an erection, so he would then need to have a prosthetic device implanted. The best advice for a man who has Peyronie’s disease is to visit a urologist who can help you. Some men are so embarrassed by their condition that they refuse to get help, but urologists have helped many men with this problem, so you have no reason to be shy. If the first urologist you consult can’t help you, look for another one. Doing so is worth the effort.

Article / Updated 10-29-2021

When one ventures into sexual activity, it can be daunting to hear about things like the Kama Sutra and tantric sex. In reality, the basic sexual positions have a lot of advantages — otherwise, so many people wouldn’t rely on them so much. While there’s no “right way” to have sex, a little information can help you understand the pros and cons of the most common sexual positions. The missionary position The missionary position is no more than the male-superior position; that is, the man on top, the woman on the bottom. Advantages of the missionary position include: It is pretty much unique to humans, and therefore differentiates us from animals. It puts partners face-to-face during sex. You can remain under the covers and still enjoy intercourse. Some men prefer the more aggressive “on-top” position. Drawbacks of the missionary position include: The penis may not provide sufficient stimulation to the clitoris for many women to reach orgasm. Additionally, the man is resting on his arms and cannot use his hands for additional clitoral stimulation. (If this is a problem, the woman may want to consider providing that additional stimulation herself.) The woman’s range of motion is quite limited in the missionary position, other than to thrust upward in time with her partner. If the act of intercourse goes on too long, or if the man is tired or weak for some other reason, the missionary position can be uncomfortable. Research has shown that if a man is tensing his muscles, as he must do to hold himself up, it affects his ability to control ejaculation, so the missionary position can aggravate problems of premature ejaculation. You can vary the missionary position through the woman’s knee position and through the man’s angle (i.e., in a more upright position). Partners may also choose to have the woman lie back on a flat surface while the man stands, which allows for more arm movement by the male. The female-superior position (woman on top) The female-superior position is essentially the opposite of the missionary position: the woman on top, the man on the bottom. This has become a more common choice in the last decade or two. The female-superior position offers several major advantages: The man can caress the woman’s clitoris with his fingers. The man can both see and fondle the woman’s breasts. Men also report being able to “last” longer in the female-superior position. The woman can control the depth of penetration and speed of thrust, which can be very helpful in bringing her to a fulfilling orgasm. Disadvantages of this position include: It is more tiring to the woman, especially if it takes a while for her to orgasm. Women are more likely to give in to “spectatoring” rather than enjoying the experience while in this position. The man must have a strong erection for this to work. For some men, this may mean limiting this position to the morning. You can vary the female-superior position by having the woman face backward, or even change partway through. She also can lie back with her head at the man’s feet, so that she does not have to support her entire weight. No single position is more moral or normal than another. If you enjoy one position, that’s great. If not, then try something else.

Article / Updated 10-27-2021

Dr. Ruth, America’s favorite psychosexual therapist, talks about loneliness in this new edition of the fun and comprehensive guide to sex. You want to know how to overcome loneliness? Start by getting out of the house and engaging in conversation with real people. You can read article after article about scientific findings that say loneliness is at epidemic proportions, especially among young people. This really worries me. It turns out that no matter how many online friends you have on Facebook or followers you have on Twitter or Instagram, they’re no substitute for real, live human beings. In this video, get some more advice from me, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, about how to cope with loneliness in healthy ways. Real friends, not just Twitter followers I have about 90,000 followers on Twitter, but that does me little good if I’m sitting home and want some companionship. I recognize the importance of social media among teens, and older folk as well. But social media is what they call a two-edged sword. Yes, if you’re bored you can find lots of ways of occupying yourself on your phone. Rather than make you feel less lonely, at the end of the night you’ll actually likely feel more lonely. To alleviate your feelings of loneliness you need to be with other physical human beings. Look, if you were thirsty, you’d go to the refrigerator, not your sock drawer. If you’re lonely, you have to go to places where there are fellow human beings and not go looking for real companionship online. Dating conversation takes practice Is the ability to be able to carry on a conversation something that makes you nervous about dating? Do you worry that you’ll have nothing to say? I worry that the art of conversation is disappearing because people spend so much time on their phones doing everything but talking on them. So not only is this phone time making them lonely, but it is causing a lack of skill in a key part of dating, conversation. It’s called the “art” of conversation for a reason. I’m sure you’ve talked to people who bore you silly. Oh sure, they can talk, but who wants to listen? To develop any art form you have to practice, so not only do I want you to talk to your friends and family as much as possible, but do it in a constructive way. Don’t just blather about what you bought at the supermarket, but come up with interesting conversation. How do you do that? You make an effort to be informed. You know those cat videos that go viral? Stop watching them and seek out stories that would make for good dating conversation topics and then go practice. Is there a place for humor in the dating scene? Of course, but my suggestion is to treat humor like a spice rather than a main course. If something funny comes to mind, go ahead and see if you can get your date to laugh. But if the two of you are doing nothing but trading zingers, you’re not learning anything about each other. If you’re using humor to hide your true feelings, I would guess you’re not going to be building a relationship that will stand the test of time. Stop using your smartphone as a crutch So, here’s another dichotomy you face. You don’t want to be lonely, and your smartphone offers you many different ways to alleviate your loneliness, but at the same time it’s causing your loneliness. Are you going to give up your smartphone? Not likely. It’s become too important as your calendar, GPS, music player, not to mention as a means of communication. So, your phone is going to stay with you, but at the same time you’ve got to realize that when you’re using it as a crutch to avoid feeling lonely, you’re making matters worse. If you’re trying to overcome loneliness, go spend some time with some fellow human beings, not just online friends. Not on a date necessarily, though that would be good, but just hanging out would be fine too. Of course, by hanging out with a friend I don’t mean two people together at a coffee shop, each staring at their phone. That’s the cause of the problem, not the solution. Put your phones away and talk to each other. (Someone needs to invent a condom for smartphones so that you can just wrap it up in order to promote good conversation!) If nothing else, it will give you practice so that when you’re on a date with someone you really want to make a connection with, you’ll be better able to do so without being distracted by that phone in your hand. Research has shown that smartphone owners touch their phone 2,600 times a day. The harder you find it to put your phone aside, the more important it is to do so. If necessary, use the timer app on your phone to help you. Set it for 15 minutes, and then put your phone down. Turn off notifications that alert you to any form of contact. Then slowly add to the time your phone is out of your hands so that you can wean yourself off of it as a crutch. That way, when you’re on an actual date, you’ll have trained yourself to be able to put it away without having that constant nagging feeling that you should be staring at it.

Article / Updated 10-27-2021

Ladies, if any of you still believe that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then you have a lot to figure out about men. Men can easily feed themselves. But they’re not so crazy about taking care of some of their other needs by themselves — and I’m not talking about sewing on buttons. So, pay attention to the tips here if you want to get the most from your relationship and find out what men find sexy. See "Dr. Ruth: 10 Things Women Wish Men Knew about Sex" for the opposite sex's viewpoint. Be aware of mixed signals Fact: Your man finds it exciting to look at your body. Sometimes you’re well aware of this trait, and you’ll don a sexy nightgown. Other times, you’re not thinking about his reaction, but you’re hot and tear your clothes off in front of him. Then you expect him to be a mind reader and understand the difference. This might be an intellectual exercise he could accomplish, but when it comes to how his penis reacts, his control is lacking. If you’re parading around naked and you notice his tongue is hanging out by his navel, but you have absolutely no desire/time/inclination to have sex, here’s what I suggest you do: throw out a time. This way you’re not really turning him down, just delaying his gratification. If you spend a lot of time together, mixed signals are just a natural occurrence. Just bear in mind that in the sexual arena, you have two audiences, his mind and his penis, which at times have been known to get their own signals crossed. Lack of sex really can hurt The term is blue balls, and whether a man’s testicles actually turn any colors I don’t know, but they can absolutely ache from the need for sexual release. Now, the pain isn’t so acute that a man can’t stand it, and, if no one else is around, all he has to do is masturbate to bring needed relief. But he’s also not putting you on when he says that his testicles hurt. If you get a man that excited and then change your mind about giving him sexual release, he won’t be pleased. Not only does his ego suffer, but his testicles do as well. Sometimes wasting electricity is okay Men get turned on visually, which is why they’d really appreciate it if you would cover up a bit less when the time comes to make love. I know that you like to cuddle and be cozy, and that a dark room with the covers drawn up to your chin helps you feel safe enough to get aroused, but for the sake of your man, how about leaving the lights on once in a while? Now, I’m not asking you to cover your room with mirrors because I understand that you have to be able to look your mother-in-law in the eye when she visits. But as long as the room temperature is warm enough not to cause goose bumps, give your man the visual stimuli he desires. Teamwork is important So many of you women are sick of sports. Having your man spend Sunday afternoons watching other men hitting each other may seem boring, but I believe sports can teach you a lesson about sex. To you women, verbal communication is very important. Because men, in general, don’t talk as much — especially the strong, silent type — it seems as if they don’t communicate to each other. But many men prefer to bond not by talking but by doing something together, as a team. Having played sports as young men and discovered how to appreciate the benefits of teamwork, men find that watching sports has a great attraction. So how does this idea affect your love life? For one thing, the more teamwork you have in your sex life, the more communication you’ll have between the two of you, and the happier you’ll both be. Here are some suggestions to get the action started: The simplest thing you can do is to initiate sex once in a while if you tend to leave that task to him. Buy some sex toys, edible underwear for example, and present them to him one night. Suggest writing up a game plan for the night’s sexual activities. Include starting time, which positions, and which room of the house. Buy a team uniform, maybe matching T-shirts, that can serve as a secret signal between the two of you that — if you’re both wearing them — then that night, or that afternoon, is reserved for sex. Take an active part in sex and score some points that put you right at the top of his standings. Celebrities’ bodies are not a threat Kim Kardashian was said to have “broken” the Internet when she appeared nude in a photo spread. Did your man see those pictures? Probably. Should your self-esteem take a hit because your body doesn’t quite match hers? Definitely not. I know there are women who feel badly that their body doesn’t resemble that of a supermodel. Some actually visit plastic surgeons in order to make up for what they perceive to be deficiencies. But let me be clear, you’re not in competition with these celebrity bodies. Yes, your man may enjoy looking at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. He even may fantasize about spending some time with one or more of them on a desert island. But that in no way detracts from the appeal of the body he actually shares a bed with. That body — your body — is attached to the woman he loves and so is special. If your man exaggerates and does nothing but stare at long-legged buxom women all day, you can say something, but don’t act jealous over his occasional ogling of the latest bombshell. The Bible may have said not to covet your neighbor’s wife, but in those days of stone tablets admiring women worlds away wasn’t even an imagined possibility. Today such images are all around us, and better not to spoil your relationship by trying to make your partner feel guilty for partaking every now and then. A little tact, please Men are not in full control of their erections. Sometimes they show up when they’re not wanted; other times, they refuse to board the bus no matter how desperately the driver begs. If a man’s having difficulties obtaining or maintaining his erection, the last thing he, or his penis, needs is a snide comment from you. You can perhaps be helpful by some physical gesture with your hand or mouth. You don’t have to pretend that it’s sticking straight up when it’s hanging there pointed at the ground. But be aware that the wrong comment can make the situation worse. The more understanding you are, the better his chances of turning the situation around. If you really loved me, you’d . . . I admit I felt a little prudish about putting what this tip is about right in the title, though most of you ladies can guess what I’m talking about. And, certainly, many of you keep your man happy by performing that certain act. Right, the topic here is fellatio — oral sex on a man. Now, although I’m speaking on behalf of men here, I must state categorically that I absolutely do not want any woman to do anything that really repulses her. But before you ignore this section, ask yourself: Is oral sex really that repulsive? I’m not saying that you have to necessarily swallow his semen, but is just kissing and licking his penis that big of a deal? If you’re concerned about cleanliness, then go get a washcloth and clean his penis. He won’t object, unless you use cold water. I really do not believe that men who crave this sex act see it as degrading to women. Rather, they want it because they enjoy the sensations. And maybe you do, too, when he does it to you. Even if fellatio never becomes a regular part of your sexual repertoire, you can at least make his birthday special. The way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach I don’t know where that saying that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach started, but unless you only asked men living in a retirement community, I don’t think you’ll find the majority in agreement. And I’m not sure that even the seniors would give their vote. Men like to eat, but if they have to do something for themselves, they’d prefer to feed themselves. Some women, after a few years or a few kids, seem to withdraw from sex. A wife may think that as long as she feeds her husband and maybe irons his shirts, that’s all he really needs from her. That idea may work for a while, but then he’ll get a new secretary, or go to a convention in Las Vegas, or just look differently at the neighbor’s wife, and all of a sudden, his attention is permanently drawn elsewhere. As a man ages, his sexual urges may come further apart, but they’re still there. If, for some reason, you seem to have lost your sexual desire, don’t just assume it happens because you’re a woman. That’s nonsense. Loss of sexual appetite is almost always caused by something specific, so find a specialist — a sex therapist or marital therapist — who can help you overcome this problem. It might just be sex I don’t want to make any excuses for men who fool around, especially in these days when he can catch a serious disease and then infect his innocent wife. But in general, men and women are different when it comes to sex. Most women need romance to become aroused, which means that their emotions are almost always involved, but most men can have sex without the act triggering an emotional response in them. This is the reason that prostitutes have always been doing business with men on a quickie basis, while the few gigolos (male prostitutes for women) that exist almost always perform for a long term. You need to understand this fact because if you ever catch your man having had sex with another woman, you shouldn’t throw away a long-term relationship without doing a careful evaluation. If it really looks like he was only in it for the sex, and if you both love each other, you may be able to save your relationship. I’m certainly not advocating sticking around with a philanderer, the guy who does it over and over again. But in some instances, you’d be better off forgiving and forgetting (although you can never totally forget). If you need help with this, seek out a marital counselor. The older a man gets, the more help he needs Not every man knows that, at some point in his life, he loses the ability to have a psychogenic erection — an erection that comes by itself, without any physical manipulation — but it’s a fact. This problem doesn’t signal the end of your love life; instead, it means that your partner now needs foreplay as much as you do. Some of you women may decide that this is the moment to pay him back for all the times that he didn’t give you enough foreplay, but I’m telling you not to play those games. When this change first starts to happen to a man, he gets pretty upset about it. The first few times he runs across a situation where his penis used to take off for the races by itself and now just lies there can be downright scary. So have mercy on him and don’t add to his plight.

Article / Updated 10-27-2021

It amazes me that many men say that they want to have sex so badly, but then don’t put any effort into finding out what it takes to have good sex with a woman or what women find sexy. So, all you guys who complain that you don’t get enough of “it,” read the following tips closely. I know how you men often resist asking for directions, but if you’ve lost that loving feeling, read on for some guidance on how to get to the Tunnel of Love. Chivalry isn’t dead yet Apart from a handful of ultrafeminists who get insulted if a man holds the door for them or offers her his seat in a crowded room, I believe most women still enjoy being treated like ladies. Bringing a woman flowers or chocolate, taking her out to dinner, texting or calling her during the day — all these little details are important because they show that you care. Now some of you men have discovered how to make all the right moves, but your hearts aren’t really in it. You have one goal in mind — getting the woman into bed. If you’re one of these men, you’re not looking for a relationship but are only putting another notch in your bedpost. Although you may be proud of your conquests for a while, a time will come when you realize what a lonely life you have led. Empty gestures aren’t chivalrous and won’t earn a man his rank of knighthood. You not only have to show you care, you have to feel it. Appearances count Although many men worry about their hair (mostly because they know that their relationship with it may be rather fleeting), when it comes to the rest of their appearance, many men aren’t so careful. Now I understand that if you have to wear a tie and jacket all day for work, you’ll be eager to fling them off the second you walk through the door. Working women are just as eager to remove their heels and business suits. But always putting on the same ripped T-shirt and paint-stained jeans turns women off. As a man, you’re probably very conscious of how the women around you look, whether that woman is your partner or not. True, you may be more concerned with the length of her hemline than whether her shoes match her bag, but you pay attention. Although most women take care to look as presentable as possible to their men, many men don’t return the favor. Perhaps you’re one of those men who doesn’t perceive yourself as being sexy, but you are — especially to your partner — so try to look the part. Not to mention if she’s trying to put her best foot forward when you’re out and about, it helps to have an escort who also cares for his appearance. If you’re the type of guy who complains that your wife doesn’t make love to you enough, my guess is that you’d have more success in that area if you started dressing like Prince Charming instead of the frog. You can’t hurry love The notion that men get turned on a lot faster than women do is very true. Women need time to prepare themselves for sex, and I’m not just talking about the type of foreplay that goes on when you already have your clothes off and you’re in bed (or in the hot tub or on the kitchen floor). What women wish that men would realize is that if a man wants to have sex, he has to put romance first. While dinner at the best restaurant in town would be great, so would any opportunity for some quiet conversation, a moment to throw off the worries of the day to let her get in the mood for lovemaking. So even if you’re champing at the bit, you have to be a tad more patient. If you’re like most men, you had no problem giving your partner some of this quality time before you got married or moved in together. You would call ahead, make appointments (called dates), go out to dinner, take her for long walks, and look into each other’s eyes. As a result, she’d begin to get in the mood to have sex with you. You men have to realize that those patterns of romantic behavior must continue after you’ve said “I do” — not necessarily every time, but often enough to show that you really do care. A clitoris is not just a small penis Although the fact that men and women are built differently should be obvious, many men think of a clitoris as just a small penis. They’ve grasped the point that the clitoris is the seat of a woman’s ability to have an orgasm, but they haven’t figured out that a clitoris is a lot more delicate than a penis. Many women can’t bear to have the clitoris touched directly because it hurts. Sometimes a little lube will help, and sometimes it won’t. Women with a sensitive clitoris may need only to have the area around the clitoris caressed and rubbed to give just enough stimulation without causing pain. So, guys, store this fact away in your memory banks: Just because a clitoris grows bigger and harder when the woman gets excited doesn’t make it a penis. Some men take the same attitude toward a woman’s breasts as they do to the clitoris. They knead them as if they were dough, forgetting that they’re made of tissue, are sensitive, and can even be bruised. The partners of these men would also appreciate it if they took a little more care with their knees and elbows, and if they’d make a serious effort not to lean on her hair. Otherwise, both partners can end up bald. Some women like their man to be a little rough; others don’t. For most, though, “rough” doesn’t mean pain but being forceful. Since you can’t know ahead of time, begin gently and talk about both of your needs and desires and take it from there. Women need to bask in the afterglow Women have many different complaints about the way men make love, but the one that gets the most votes is that men are too quick to go to sleep right after sex. Women take longer to get aroused than men and longer to come down from that aroused state. If you roll over and fall asleep (or get up and go home, or go to the basement to watch the ball game), she’ll feel abandoned. And leaving her feeling alone is not a good way to end a lovemaking session. I’m not asking you to spend as long on afterplay as on foreplay. But, admit it, if right after “doing it” you got a call from a friend with tickets on the 50-yard line to a game starting in an hour, would you tell him you were too sleepy to go? Of course not. So, isn’t your wife or partner worth an extra ten minutes of consciousness? (Hint: The answer to that question is yes.) Afterplay has an extra benefit — if you play your cards right, the afterglow will last right up until the next day and become the start of foreplay for the next session. Don’t tell me you’ll be too tired then! Kinky sex isn’t sexy sex I receive many letters from women asking why men always want them to do something kinky. Probably the most frequently asked request is for the husband to watch his wife make love to another woman. Some men just want to watch, while others plan on joining in. Some men don’t care whether the other person is a man or a woman; they just want to take part in a threesome. Other men want to join a wife-swapping group or visit a sex club. Now I’m not saying women never instigate this type of behavior because they do. Nor am I placing any moral judgment on couples who want to expand their sexual horizons. However, just because millions have read Fifty Shades of Gray doesn’t mean that you can assume that a partner you are with would enjoy partaking in such behavior. One thing the wives of these men want to know is why, and I can’t give them a good answer. It may be that men have more active imaginations, or maybe they’ve watched too many porn videos. Whatever the reason, most women want no part of these scenes. They’re quite content with having sex with their man, without anyone else looking on or joining in. I’m all in favor of fantasies, so I’d never tell you men to stop fantasizing. And if you want to ask your wife or girlfriend about a particular fantasy, go ahead. Just don’t try to pressure her if she says no. Instead, pretend you’re doing whatever turns you on when you’re with her. If you keep pestering her, you’ll just turn her off, and rather than getting kinky sex, you’ll have no sex at all. Wandering eyes mean less sex Men like to look at women, and women usually don’t mind being looked at. But there’s a time and a place for everything. If you’re out on a date, and you see a beautiful woman walk by, and you gawk at her so your date or wife can see your tongue hanging out, that situation won’t sit well with her. She’ll get angry at you, you’ll have a fight, and for the next few hours the odds of the two of you having a sexual encounter will be slim to nil. Women like attention, and when they’re with a man with whom they’re having sex, they expect as much of his attention as possible. Women don’t find fighting for your attention particularly sexy, and that includes competing against televised ball games, sports cars being driven down your block, and, most of all, pretty women walking by. Your lover wants to think that you consider her the most desirable woman on earth. Can she really be expected to think that when you’re busy staring at another woman’s body? Slam-bam-thank-you-ma’am doesn’t cut the mustard Okay, now I’m getting down to the real nitty gritty. Obviously, if women need time to get sufficiently aroused to have an orgasm, a man who can’t “keep it up” (that is, sustain an erection) will cause them problems. Premature ejaculation is the term used in the sexological literature for this particular affliction, but you really don’t have to go tearing out the few hairs you have left on top of your head if the label premature ejaculator applies to you because the condition is nothing more than a learning disability. If you’re wondering whether you fall into this category, don’t go pulling out a stopwatch. I don’t classify a man as a premature ejaculator by some predefined amount of time that he can last before ejaculating. All you need to ask yourself is whether you’re dissatisfied with your performance. If you want to last longer and can’t, then you need to do the homework assignment I give in Chapter 22. If, on the other hand, you come as quickly as a jackrabbit, but neither you nor your partner much care because you can do things with your big toe that only a chimp can duplicate, then don’t worry about it. Changing diapers is sexy How many of you fathers do or did change diapers? I’m sure that you never thought of it as a sexy experience. But if you never realized how important a role changing a baby’s diaper has in your sex life, then you don’t deserve the title “terrific lover” just yet. Mommies change a million diapers, but just because they do doesn’t make the task any more pleasant. Too many Dads think that because Mom changes diapers all the time — even if she works at a full-time job outside the home — she likes doing it. Believe me, changing diapers is not a job anybody can really like. Oh, sure, babies are fun, but some element of the diaper-changing chore is offensive to all of us. So when Dad offers to do the dirty job — key word, offers, and with a smile on his face too — that makes Mom feel very good. So good that later that night she’ll still remember it, and Daddy may get his reward. Now, of course, this idea applies to any task that always seems to fall on Mom — doing the dishes, folding the laundry, dusting the bookshelves. Don’t do it just because you expect something; but if you volunteer for some of the dirty work, I guarantee that you’ll earn your reward. Just because you can’t doesn’t mean you won’t I want to talk to you older gentlemen. I know that you can’t always perform the way you used to. That doesn’t mean that your sexual life is over, but you do need more time to get ready for the next sexual episode. Remember this truism that many of you either don’t want to admit or just never realized: You don’t need an erection to satisfy your wife. Very often, if a wife feels “in the mood” and the husband doesn’t, he’ll either ignore her desires, or he’ll try to have an erection. Then, when he can’t, he’ll give up on the idea of sex altogether. But no law says that you have to have an erection to have sex. You can please your wife in a variety of ways. You can give her fabulous orgasms with your fingers, your tongue, or a vibrator. Don’t be selfish. Just because you’re not in the mood doesn’t mean that she has to be frustrated. And remember, no good deed goes unrewarded. So, if at another time you need a little more help from her to obtain an erection, you helping her during her hour of need will go into an account that you can draw on later.

Video / Updated 08-27-2021

Sex and relationships expert Dr. Ruth has some solid opinions on how swiping within dating apps comes into play — or should we say, foreplay?