It amazes me that many men say that they want to have sex so badly, but then don’t put any effort into finding out what it takes to have good sex with a woman or what women find sexy. So, all you guys who complain that you don’t get enough of “it,” read the following tips closely. I know how you men often resist asking for directions, but if you’ve lost that loving feeling, read on for some guidance on how to get to the Tunnel of Love.

Chivalry isn’t dead yet

Apart from a handful of ultrafeminists who get insulted if a man holds the door for them or offers her his seat in a crowded room, I believe most women still enjoy being treated like ladies. Bringing a woman flowers or chocolate, taking her out to dinner, texting or calling her during the day — all these little details are important because they show that you care.

Now some of you men have discovered how to make all the right moves, but your hearts aren’t really in it. You have one goal in mind — getting the woman into bed. If you’re one of these men, you’re not looking for a relationship but are only putting another notch in your bedpost. Although you may be proud of your conquests for a while, a time will come when you realize what a lonely life you have led.

Empty gestures aren’t chivalrous and won’t earn a man his rank of knighthood. You not only have to show you care, you have to feel it.

Appearances count

Although many men worry about their hair (mostly because they know that their relationship with it may be rather fleeting), when it comes to the rest of their appearance, many men aren’t so careful. Now I understand that if you have to wear a tie and jacket all day for work, you’ll be eager to fling them off the second you walk through the door. Working women are just as eager to remove their heels and business suits. But always putting on the same ripped T-shirt and paint-stained jeans turns women off.

As a man, you’re probably very conscious of how the women around you look, whether that woman is your partner or not. True, you may be more concerned with the length of her hemline than whether her shoes match her bag, but you pay attention. Although most women take care to look as presentable as possible to their men, many men don’t return the favor.

Perhaps you’re one of those men who doesn’t perceive yourself as being sexy, but you are — especially to your partner — so try to look the part. Not to mention if she’s trying to put her best foot forward when you’re out and about, it helps to have an escort who also cares for his appearance.

If you’re the type of guy who complains that your wife doesn’t make love to you enough, my guess is that you’d have more success in that area if you started dressing like Prince Charming instead of the frog.

You can’t hurry love

The notion that men get turned on a lot faster than women do is very true. Women need time to prepare themselves for sex, and I’m not just talking about the type of foreplay that goes on when you already have your clothes off and you’re in bed (or in the hot tub or on the kitchen floor).

What women wish that men would realize is that if a man wants to have sex, he has to put romance first. While dinner at the best restaurant in town would be great, so would any opportunity for some quiet conversation, a moment to throw off the worries of the day to let her get in the mood for lovemaking. So even if you’re champing at the bit, you have to be a tad more patient.

If you’re like most men, you had no problem giving your partner some of this quality time before you got married or moved in together. You would call ahead, make appointments (called dates), go out to dinner, take her for long walks, and look into each other’s eyes. As a result, she’d begin to get in the mood to have sex with you. You men have to realize that those patterns of romantic behavior must continue after you’ve said “I do” — not necessarily every time, but often enough to show that you really do care.

A clitoris is not just a small penis

Although the fact that men and women are built differently should be obvious, many men think of a clitoris as just a small penis. They’ve grasped the point that the clitoris is the seat of a woman’s ability to have an orgasm, but they haven’t figured out that a clitoris is a lot more delicate than a penis. Many women can’t bear to have the clitoris touched directly because it hurts. Sometimes a little lube will help, and sometimes it won’t. Women with a sensitive clitoris may need only to have the area around the clitoris caressed and rubbed to give just enough stimulation without causing pain. So, guys, store this fact away in your memory banks: Just because a clitoris grows bigger and harder when the woman gets excited doesn’t make it a penis.

Some men take the same attitude toward a woman’s breasts as they do to the clitoris. They knead them as if they were dough, forgetting that they’re made of tissue, are sensitive, and can even be bruised. The partners of these men would also appreciate it if they took a little more care with their knees and elbows, and if they’d make a serious effort not to lean on her hair. Otherwise, both partners can end up bald.

Some women like their man to be a little rough; others don’t. For most, though, “rough” doesn’t mean pain but being forceful. Since you can’t know ahead of time, begin gently and talk about both of your needs and desires and take it from there.

Women need to bask in the afterglow

Women have many different complaints about the way men make love, but the one that gets the most votes is that men are too quick to go to sleep right after sex. Women take longer to get aroused than men and longer to come down from that aroused state. If you roll over and fall asleep (or get up and go home, or go to the basement to watch the ball game), she’ll feel abandoned. And leaving her feeling alone is not a good way to end a lovemaking session.

I’m not asking you to spend as long on afterplay as on foreplay. But, admit it, if right after “doing it” you got a call from a friend with tickets on the 50-yard line to a game starting in an hour, would you tell him you were too sleepy to go? Of course not. So, isn’t your wife or partner worth an extra ten minutes of consciousness? (Hint: The answer to that question is yes.)

Afterplay has an extra benefit — if you play your cards right, the afterglow will last right up until the next day and become the start of foreplay for the next session. Don’t tell me you’ll be too tired then!

Kinky sex isn’t sexy sex

I receive many letters from women asking why men always want them to do something kinky. Probably the most frequently asked request is for the husband to watch his wife make love to another woman. Some men just want to watch, while others plan on joining in. Some men don’t care whether the other person is a man or a woman; they just want to take part in a threesome. Other men want to join a wife-swapping group or visit a sex club.

Now I’m not saying women never instigate this type of behavior because they do. Nor am I placing any moral judgment on couples who want to expand their sexual horizons. However, just because millions have read Fifty Shades of Gray doesn’t mean that you can assume that a partner you are with would enjoy partaking in such behavior.

One thing the wives of these men want to know is why, and I can’t give them a good answer. It may be that men have more active imaginations, or maybe they’ve watched too many porn videos. Whatever the reason, most women want no part of these scenes. They’re quite content with having sex with their man, without anyone else looking on or joining in.

I’m all in favor of fantasies, so I’d never tell you men to stop fantasizing. And if you want to ask your wife or girlfriend about a particular fantasy, go ahead. Just don’t try to pressure her if she says no. Instead, pretend you’re doing whatever turns you on when you’re with her. If you keep pestering her, you’ll just turn her off, and rather than getting kinky sex, you’ll have no sex at all.

Wandering eyes mean less sex

Men like to look at women, and women usually don’t mind being looked at. But there’s a time and a place for everything. If you’re out on a date, and you see a beautiful woman walk by, and you gawk at her so your date or wife can see your tongue hanging out, that situation won’t sit well with her. She’ll get angry at you, you’ll have a fight, and for the next few hours the odds of the two of you having a sexual encounter will be slim to nil.

Women like attention, and when they’re with a man with whom they’re having sex, they expect as much of his attention as possible. Women don’t find fighting for your attention particularly sexy, and that includes competing against televised ball games, sports cars being driven down your block, and, most of all, pretty women walking by.

Your lover wants to think that you consider her the most desirable woman on earth. Can she really be expected to think that when you’re busy staring at another woman’s body?

Slam-bam-thank-you-ma’am doesn’t cut the mustard

Okay, now I’m getting down to the real nitty gritty. Obviously, if women need time to get sufficiently aroused to have an orgasm, a man who can’t “keep it up” (that is, sustain an erection) will cause them problems.

Premature ejaculation is the term used in the sexological literature for this particular affliction, but you really don’t have to go tearing out the few hairs you have left on top of your head if the label premature ejaculator applies to you because the condition is nothing more than a learning disability.

If you’re wondering whether you fall into this category, don’t go pulling out a stopwatch. I don’t classify a man as a premature ejaculator by some predefined amount of time that he can last before ejaculating. All you need to ask yourself is whether you’re dissatisfied with your performance. If you want to last longer and can’t, then you need to do the homework assignment I give in Chapter 22. If, on the other hand, you come as quickly as a jackrabbit, but neither you nor your partner much care because you can do things with your big toe that only a chimp can duplicate, then don’t worry about it.

Changing diapers is sexy

How many of you fathers do or did change diapers? I’m sure that you never thought of it as a sexy experience. But if you never realized how important a role changing a baby’s diaper has in your sex life, then you don’t deserve the title “terrific lover” just yet.

Mommies change a million diapers, but just because they do doesn’t make the task any more pleasant. Too many Dads think that because Mom changes diapers all the time — even if she works at a full-time job outside the home — she likes doing it. Believe me, changing diapers is not a job anybody can really like. Oh, sure, babies are fun, but some element of the diaper-changing chore is offensive to all of us.

So when Dad offers to do the dirty job — key word, offers, and with a smile on his face too — that makes Mom feel very good. So good that later that night she’ll still remember it, and Daddy may get his reward.

Now, of course, this idea applies to any task that always seems to fall on Mom — doing the dishes, folding the laundry, dusting the bookshelves. Don’t do it just because you expect something; but if you volunteer for some of the dirty work, I guarantee that you’ll earn your reward.

Just because you can’t doesn’t mean you won’t

I want to talk to you older gentlemen. I know that you can’t always perform the way you used to. That doesn’t mean that your sexual life is over, but you do need more time to get ready for the next sexual episode. Remember this truism that many of you either don’t want to admit or just never realized: You don’t need an erection to satisfy your wife.

Very often, if a wife feels “in the mood” and the husband doesn’t, he’ll either ignore her desires, or he’ll try to have an erection. Then, when he can’t, he’ll give up on the idea of sex altogether. But no law says that you have to have an erection to have sex. You can please your wife in a variety of ways. You can give her fabulous orgasms with your fingers, your tongue, or a vibrator.

Don’t be selfish. Just because you’re not in the mood doesn’t mean that she has to be frustrated. And remember, no good deed goes unrewarded. So, if at another time you need a little more help from her to obtain an erection, you helping her during her hour of need will go into an account that you can draw on later.

About This Article

This article is from the book:

About the book authors:

Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer is America's favorite sex therapist. Author of over 40 books and host of several TV shows on human sexual- ity, she frequently lectures around the world. Pierre A. Lehu has worked with Dr. Ruth for decades as publicist, writer, and friend.

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