Codependency For Dummies
Overview
Your trusted guide to value yourself and break the patterns of codependency
Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition is the most comprehensive book on the topic to date. Written in plain English and packed with sensitive, authoritative information, it describes the history, symptoms, causes, and relationship dynamics of codependency. The majority of the book is devoted to healing and lays out a clear plan for recovery with exercises, practical advice, and daily reminders to help you know, honor, protect, and express yourself. New to this edition are chapters on working the Twelve Steps to recover from codependency and how therapists/coaches/nurses are affected by codependency.
Codependence is primarily a learned behavior from our family of origin. Some cultures have it to a greater degree than others—some still see it as a normal way of living. Yet the costs of codependence can include distrust, faulty expectations, passive-aggressiveness, control, self-neglect, over-focus on others, manipulation, intimacy issues, and a slew of other harmful traits. Codependence causes serious pain and affects the majority of Americans—not just women and loved ones of addicts. Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition offers authoritative and trusted guidance on ways to raise your self-esteem, detach and let go, set boundaries, recognize healthy vs. dysfunctional relationships, overcome guilt and resentment, and much more.
- Helps you break the pattern of conduct that keeps you in harmful relationships
- Provides trusted guidance to create healthy boundaries, coping skills, and expectations
- Offers advice for eliminating feelings of guilt, blame, and feeling overly responsible
- Explains the difference between care-giving and codependent care-taking
If you're trapped in the cycle of codependency and looking for help, Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition offers trusted advice and a clear plan for recovery.
Read More
About The Author
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in relationships and codependency. Ms. Lancer has counseled individuals and couples for 28 years and coaches internationally. She's a sought-after speaker to professionals at national conferences and in the media.
Sample Chapters
codependency for dummies
CHEAT SHEET
If you wonder whether you may be codependent, you’re not alone. Different types of people may behave in a codependent manner, and codependence manifests in varying degrees of severity. Not all codependents are unhappy, but others live in pain or quiet desperation.Codependency is not something you heal from and are forever done with, but you can enjoy yourself, your life, and your relationships.
View Cheat Sheet
View Cheat Sheet
HAVE THIS BOOK?
View Book Companion Site
Access practice tests
Additional Book Resources
Articles from
the book
Codependency
Here are ten daily reminders — five do’s and five don’ts — to help you heal from codependency. Write them in your journal and check yourself each day. This will help you remember and speed your recovery.
Do focus on yourself
Remember that focusing on others is the hallmark of codependency. It’s easy to slip back and become preoccupied with thinking about those you love — worrying about their problems or wondering what they’re thinking or what they said, did, or didn’t do.
Codependency
Healthcare providers are natural caretakers and often are codependent. Codependency is perhaps even essential to being a good therapist. On the other hand, if their codependency is unchecked, mental health care providers risk not only harming themselves but also impairing the therapy. Consider the following guidelines, which highlight areas of concern and offer suggestions to put into practice:
Do take care of yourself.
Codependency
The best advice in healing from codependency would be “love yourself.” Does that sound kind of cheesy? Probably. It might even feel wrong because you’re so used to loving other people. Or you may not even know how to love you.But think about those you love. You want to know them, support them, encourage them, give to them, and make them happy.
Because there isn’t one definition of codependency, there isn’t one test you can take. The following are two assessments used to identify people with codependency. The questions require a “yes” or “no” answer.This first was developed by Ron and Pat Potter‐Efron. They consider a person to have codependency if they have or had an involvement with an alcoholic, chemically dependent, or other long‐term, highly stressful family environment, including long-term illness that can be physical or mental health‐related.
Do you have empathy and compassion for yourself? This is the core of self-nurturing. Children need it to thrive and build a separate psychological self. Children need their feelings mirrored and their needs accepted and met. Codependents didn’t get that, and so it may be hard for you to give it to yourself.
Once grown, you still have emotional needs.
Guilt can, in some instances, actually lead to self-improvement and build self-esteem. The problem for codependents is that their guilt is usually irrational and stems from shame and poor boundaries.Studies show that healthy guilt encourages people to have more empathy for others, to take corrective action, and to improve themselves.
Codependency
Codependents’ shame and low self-esteem result in problems with boundaries and dysfunctional communication. Self-esteem, clear boundaries, and the ability to be assertive are essential to healthy communication. They are the foundation for avoiding fights and handling conflict.Unresolved or escalating conflicts are the norm among codependent couples, who probably didn’t have good role models for expressing anger and handling conflict.
Abuse is common in dysfunctional families and may take the form of neglect or physical, sexual, emotional, or spiritual abuse. Abuse violates your boundaries and seriously damages your self-esteem. The abuser may be a parent, older sibling, or other relative. Sometimes, older siblings emulate a parent’s abusive behavior and vent their unexpressed anger on a younger child.
Codependency
Acceptance is a process. It doesn’t happen in a day, a week, or a month but takes effort and proceeds in baby steps and missteps. Change starts with awareness. Notice whether your behavior and thoughts achieve the results you want. Next, practice nonattachment.
Acceptance isn’t approval
Acceptance is an acknowledgement of what is.
Good parenting requires having appropriate and flexible boundaries that respect individuality and separateness. In healthy families, parents respect emotional, mental, sexual, and physical boundaries. In dysfunctional families, boundaries are rigid, blurred, or a mixture.
Individual boundaries
When boundaries are too rigid, family members are likely disengaged emotionally and physically.
If you wonder whether you may be codependent, you’re not alone. Different types of people may behave in a codependent manner, and codependence manifests in varying degrees of severity. Not all codependents are unhappy, but others live in pain or quiet desperation.Codependency is not something you heal from and are forever done with, but you can enjoy yourself, your life, and your relationships.
Many people, particularly women, enjoy nurturing and caring for others. Some make it a profession. Mothers are wired to care for their children. Codependent caretaking is different from giving care to someone. In fact, with codependency, there may be more taking than giving when the needs of the giver take precedence.
When it comes to relationships, whether the dynamics are codependent or healthy, interdependency may not be apparent at first. The following are the extremes, so you get the idea. Most relationships fall somewhere in between.
Relationship hell
Although from the outside a codependent couple may look physically, intellectually, and financially independent, in reality, there are two emotionally dependent and insecure adults.
It’s certainly natural and satisfying to be helpful and kind to others. However, codependent pleasing emanates from low self-esteem — more to get than give. Many codependents don’t have a choice! They can’t say no. As with care-giving, it’s not so much the actions that determine codependency, but the pleaser’s state of mind.
Normally, shame passes after an embarrassing incident, but for codependents shame is internalized from experiences in childhood. It sits there waiting to be activated and persists long after the event, like an open wound that has never healed. You’re ashamed of who you are. It’s all pervasive, paralyzes spontaneity, and defines you.
Codependent attachment is excessive. Instead of two people with separate minds and independent feelings, the boundaries between you and (call him or her “X”) are blurred. You can spot it when
Your moods depend on X. You can’t be happy if X isn’t.
You have strong emotional reactions to X’s opinions, thoughts, feelings, and judgments.
Codependency
You don’t have to confront someone who hurt you in person in order to heal. The person may be dead, too old, or infirm. Whether or not you decide to have a personal confrontation, follow the suggestions given here — come out of denial, strengthen your support system, self-esteem, boundaries, and assertiveness, and heal grief, anger, and shame.
Addicts by definition are dependent. They become dependent and reliant upon the object of their addiction in order to function, and they spend more time in connection with the addiction. When addicts abstain, many develop cross-addictions. To witness cross-addiction first hand, you only have to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting to see how many people are smoking.
If you’re wondering if you’re codependent, take a look at the following list of symptoms. You don’t have to have all of them to be codependent, and there are degrees of severity of codependence. If untreated, codependency gets worse over time, but with help you can recover and be much more effective in your work and relationships.
Co‐Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) has put together this list of patterns to help you evaluate your thinking, feelings, and behavior to see whether the CoDA Twelve Step program may be helpful to you.
Denial patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well‐being of others.
Codependency was first observed by therapists studying alcoholic families. Not all children of addicts are codependent, but usually families with drug or alcohol addiction are dysfunctional. Still, half of adult children of alcoholics remain in denial that they have an alcoholic parent. Instead, they live in shame and guilt.
Many dysfunctional families look healthy on the outside, but the internal dynamics revolve around a family member’s addiction, abuse, illness, or trauma. Other families are dysfunctional because of rigid control or a lack of empathy and acceptance that can cause children to become codependent. The strongest predictor of codependency is having codependent parents.
The early stage of codependency begins by becoming attached to someone and ends with unhealthy dependency on him or her. In recovery, the early stage ends with starting to reclaim yourself.
The disease process of codependency
You may be attracted to a needy person or be overly involved with a family member and naturally want to help or please him or her.
Codependency
Denial comes in many forms. Some block out more reality than others. However, all forms of denial accomplish their purpose of keeping you from facing the truth and dealing with problems. There are also types of denial specific to codependency. Here are the methods people usually employ with denial:
Forgetting: Overlooking something that you don’t want to do
Self-deception: Believing the reverse or a variation of the truth
Lying: Asserting the opposite of the truth (different from a lie)
Minimizing: Making less of something than it really is
Rationalizing: Justifying with excuses or arguments
Repressing: Removing awareness of feelings, thoughts, needs, desires, traumatic events, or memories
These methods have varying degrees of conscious awareness.
If you think you may be codependent, you need help to change your behavior. Here are some sources of help for those suffering from codependency:
Read all you can about codependency (but reading alone is insufficient to change).
Go to a Twelve Step meeting for codependents, such as Codependents Anonymous, called CoDA, or Al-Anon for family members of alcoholics.
The overall goal of recovery from codependency is to become a full-functioning individual who is able to live an authentic life. That means that your feelings, values, and behavior are congruent and that you’re at ease on your own as well as in intimate relationships.
Going over the four basic steps
Your journey to recovery roughly follows these steps:
Building self-awareness
To build self-awareness, you gain information and come out of denial.
You may know about pain in your past or you may be in denial. Everyone, including those raised in healthy families, had disappointments in their childhood. Codependents had more than others. It’s also possible that despite growing up in a dysfunctional family, you were happy much of the time. Family life may have included affection, laughter, and fun.
Managing and controlling behaviors, which include caretaking and enabling, violate others’ boundaries. Managing someone’s life shows disrespect. It sends the message that the person is incompetent and needs your help. Underneath are your fear and expectations about that person’s life, as shown.
Credit: By Darlene Lancer
In reality, you can’t know what’s best for someone else, given his or her individual background, experiences, and desires.
That codependency is a disease was first suggested in 1988 by psychiatrist Timmen Cermak. Disease may sound morbid, but it only means a condition with discernible, progressive symptoms that impair normal functioning.
Alcoholism was termed an illness by the American Medical Association (AMA) in 1956. In 1991 the AMA categorized it as a disease along with drug dependencies.
In the late stage of codependency and recovery, the contrast between disease and health are most pronounced. The untreated codependent’s world has significantly narrowed, and his or her levels of health and functioning have severely declined, while the recovered codependent’s world has expanded to include greater risk-taking, relationships, and new goals.
Whereas shame is a feeling, self‐esteem reflects how you think about yourself. It’s a self‐appraisal. Self‐esteem is your real opinion of yourself. Your self‐esteem may be high or low, but it isn’t based on what others think. Instead of Self‐esteem (a capital “S” to emphasize self‐evaluation), codependents look to others for their value and validation.
There are three stages of codependency. The early stage begins when a person becomes attached to someone and develops an unhealthy dependency on that person. In the late stage of codependency, the codependent person's world has significantly narrowed, and their levels of health and functioning have severely declined.
Codependency
A lot of codependents know what other people should do but have a tough time making decisions for themselves, even small ones, like what to order off a menu and what to do with their free time. They may avoid decision-making altogether and practice their addiction, daydream, worry about someone, or ask others their opinions.
Before getting acquainted with codependency, you were in the dark about new possibilities for yourself and your circumstances. You may not have realized that healing is a path of personal growth that entails more than just changing your habits. Growth means trying new things, including new attitudes, behaviors, perceptions, and beliefs.
The key to overcoming codependency is relaxing and building a loving relationship with yourself. At Harvard Medical School, Dr. Herbert Benson developed a type of relaxation that doesn’t require any spiritual beliefs, but was very effective to reduce stress, anxiety, depression and anger. It’s called the Relaxation Response.
Codependent relationships and families tend to be closed, meaning that you become isolated from outside information and the community. The best way to recover is to step beyond the family, because those relationships are restrictive.
In cases where addiction is involved, often shame and fear prevent people from reaching out.
It’s natural to want happiness for your loved ones and hate to see them suffer. But codependents make the leap of feeling responsible for others’ pain and happiness. It’s so upsetting that they try to resolve the negative feelings and problems of people close to them. The fact is you can heal only your half of the relationship — yourself.
Codependency
When you're healing from codependency, letting go reaps you profound benefits, not only in the relationship, but in personal growth, inner peace, and all areas of your life.
You learn to love
Being nonattached in a relationship is the most loving way to be present and practice unconditional love with someone. How is this paradox possible?
Most codependents have an external locus of control, meaning that they think external factors are the cause of what happens to them and how they feel. Codependents expect and hope that change will come from the outside or some other person. Their focus and power are outside of themselves. They look to others to make themselves feel better and approve of them, especially when it comes to relationships.
Codependency
Your recovery is for you, and you’re entitled to privacy about your therapy, meetings, and anything else. Some people will not want you to get counseling or attend meetings in order to control you for some of the following reasons:
They’re afraid you’ll leave.
They’re afraid you’ll get stronger and challenge them.
Codependency
When it comes to addiction and codependency, denial isn’t healthy; in fact, it can be dangerous. By not facing the problem, you deprive yourself of learning constructive measures that can improve and potentially save your life and those of others. Codependents have multiple types of denial. Four are explored here.
The controversy around codependency is divided into two camps — for and against. At one end are mental health professionals who advocate that codependency is a widespread and treatable disease. On the other is an array of critics of codependency, who argue that it’s merely a social or cultural phenomenon, is over-diagnosed, or is an aspect of relationships that doesn’t need to change.
Codependency
Plain and simple, denial is a defense mechanism. Everyone does it. It’s the first defense that our brain is capable of using. It operates automatically and unconsciously. The brain can actually distort sensory information and interpret it in such a way that makes facts nonthreatening to block what’s going on. Because it’s unconscious, it’s difficult to spot in yourself.
Maybe you’re wondering whether you’re codependent. It may be hard to tell at first, because, unless you’re already in recovery, denial is a symptom of codependency. Whether or not you identify as codependent, you can still benefit from alleviating any symptoms you recognize. You will function better in your life.
Focusing on someone else is a real problem for codependents. Letting go isn’t easy. Turning that around so that your focus is on you doesn’t make you selfish; in fact, it’s showing respect for someone else’s autonomy and boundaries. Here are some practical things you can do to:
When you’re together, remember not to watch the other person.
Codependency
When searching for the cause of codependency, look to your childhood. Children are born vulnerable, full of needs, and dependent on their caretakers for everything. To grow, they need touch as much as food — plus attention, empathy, nurturing, and security. Babies are so dependent on their mothers that they don’t know their bodies are separate.
Although mental health clinicians recognize codependency when they see it, the definition of codependency and who has it has been debated for decades. Experts agree that codependent patterns are passed on from one generation to another and that they can be unlearned — with help.
An overview
Therapists and counselors see people with an array of symptoms, such as depression, anxiety, addiction, or intimacy and relationships issues.
If you’re nonattached, rather than control others, you’re compassionate and encourage them. Rather than manipulate others to like you, you’re authentic. You have no need to argue or persuade others but are curious and respectful of differing points of view. You honor their need for space or silence and meanwhile enjoy your time alone or with someone else.
Although men can and do fall victim to codependency, women comprise the majority of codependents. There are many reasons in many categories: biological, developmental, political, cultural, religion, and societal.
Biological: While both women and men are biologically wired for relationships, under stress, men tend to prepare for action, while women’s hormones prepare them to make sure their relationships are healthy and intact.
Load More Articles
Related Books
0:00
0:00
https://cdn.prod.website-files.com/6630d85d73068bc09c7c436c/69195ee32d5c606051d9f433_4.%20All%20For%20You.mp3
Frequently Asked Questions
No items found.
