10 Tips for Increasing Sexual Pleasure

Increasing sexual pleasure isn't about mastering acrobatic positions—it's about communication, self-discovery, and staying present in the moment. The biggest game-changer? Talking openly with your partner about what you want and need. This article walks you through 10 practical tips, from leading with your sexual values and focusing on arousal (not just orgasm) to embracing sex toys, navigating tricky conversations, and becoming a confident sexual communicator.

Lead with your sexual values

What you value about sex matters. If you value passion and respect, stand firmly in those values and seek out experiences that allow for both to shine through. If you value sex with people with similar political or religious beliefs, let that be your guide when searching for partners. Put your values front and center when talking about what you want in a sexual relationship, whether that’s in your dating profile, when you meet someone you think you’d like to have sex with, or with your long-term partner. Leading with your values will help you find connections that are more meaningful to you, which can greatly increase your sexual pleasure.

Focus on arousal, not orgasm

The Sexual Response Cycle begins with excitement and arousal. You can’t get to the orgasmic stage without building on arousal, which occurs through generating anticipation, engaging in foreplay, and focusing attention on your and your partner’s pleasure anatomy. The irony is that when you concentrate your energy on building up arousal, no matter how long that takes, you increase the likelihood for orgasm. This means that rushing sex could deprive you and your partner of your best odds for both experiencing orgasm. This is, of course, unless quickies supercharge arousal for both of you.

Embrace each partner’s different needs

Even if you and your partner have the same or similar pleasure anatomy, your sexual needs will be different. And the needs of each of your partners will be different too. You can’t assume that the moves you perfected on one person will directly translate to another. You might have some great techniques, but they will need to be tailored to each partner based on their feedback. You’re not bad at sex and they’re not defective if your techniques don’t work; it just means you need to explore more together to find what will make sex more pleasurable.

Use masturbation and porn to expand your erotic world

If you’ve been feeling uninspired by your sex life or you feel stuck in the same old routine, exploring masturbation is a great way to mix things up, and porn can be a gateway to discovering new turn-ons. It’s easy to feel limited by the fantasies you come up with on your own. Porn allows you to explore sexual scenarios, contexts, and acts that you may not have been able to dream up.You can explore porn and masturbate solo, of course, but it can be fun to watch porn with a partner, enjoy mutual masturbation, or watch each other masturbate. That’s three new things to try!

Stay open to sex toys as pleasure enhancements

Sex toys are sometimes seen as the competition of person-to-person sex. But think about all of the other things we do that are just better with accoutrements. You can do body weight exercises on your own, but gyms exist so you can utilize equipment that not only enhances your workout but can also make it fun! You can take a bath at home, but those jets in the hot tub take relaxation to the next level. And don’t even get me started on all the ways that the devices we carry around with us every day enhance everything from managing our calendars and getting from Point A to Point B safely to staying connected to loved ones and sharing memes. Sex toys make sex more pleasurable and add to the experience. The biggest thing that makes them seem like a detraction is that some refuse to see their value.

Don’t avoid hard conversations like STI disclosures or explaining your needs

I’ve seen my clients have the conversations they were avoiding before working with me only to find that hard conversations make their relationships better. It doesn’t matter if they’re casual, situationships, or marriages.When you say what you need to say and give your partner the chance to show up for you, you gain a valuable skill (even if they can’t accommodate you). Sharing your STI status with a partner will sometimes result in rejection. Those are the people who will not be the best for you. There will be others who will accept you, and these are the people worth pursuing.

Talking to your partner about what you need from them is the first step in making your pleasure a priority in the relationship. Staying quiet might feel like you’re just respecting the other person’s feelings, but what happens if they learn down the line that you haven’t enjoyed sex and chose not to say anything? Doing the hard thing now is not only better for your immediate pleasure (you get what you need!), but it’s also better for the health of your relationship.

Know that good sex isn’t just for the young and that sex can get better with age

Please consider that, even with limited sexual functioning, you are still a sexual person in old age. I’ve heard too many times that the pain and frustration of not being able to maintain an erection or get lubricated caused people to give up on their sex lives. If you’re single and feel like that part of your life is over, that’s entirely your choice (though great sex is possible if you want it). If you’re partnered and only one of you has thrown in the towel, it makes for a really bumpy road into the golden years.

Yes, sex later in life looks different, but your sexual connection to yourself and your partner(s) is so much more than your sexual functioning. You can still fantasize, flirt, engage in foreplay, and use lube and erectile medication. Penetration may be off the table, but you can still have outercourse (hand and mouth stuff) and use sex toys. You can even use props and slings to help ease pressure on your joints. If you want a pleasurable sex life in old age, you can have it if you’re willing to try.

Use your and your partner’s hormonal cycles to your advantage

Everyone has a different sex hormone cycle. Getting to know yours and your partner’s is a great way to navigate differences in libido. When you know when you’re more likely to be interested in sex because of sex hormone spikes, you can either proactively plan or just recognize when it might be a better time to have sex when the moments arise.

People with penises may find it easier to have sex in the morning when testosterone levels are high. This might mean not putting too much pressure on date nights as a time to have sex, but instead focusing on nonsexual intimacy and sensuality. For people with vulvas, interest in sex may come more easily during your ovulation period (Days 11–14 of your monthly cycle) or right before your period. These are times when estrogen rises. Not only does taking hormone cycles into account take some of the stress out of having mismatched libidos, but it also helps make the sex you have more enjoyable when you have it.

Recognize when sexual contexts are best

Sexual contexts are the conditions under which you can be fully engaged in sex without many (or any) inhibitions. It’s common for people to notice that they are their best sexual selves when they can check out from daily responsibilities or when they feel a solid emotional connection with their partner. But some people find that a little bit of danger, excitement, and spontaneity helps them feel more in the moment.

Identifying your and your partner’s ideal sexual contexts will give you ideas for how to create time together that leads to better sexual experiences for both of you. This might mean having sex after a cozy night in together for one partner and having a date night where you both pretend to be strangers for the other. The first step for creating the right sexual contexts is talking about which conditions spark the most sexual interest for each of you.

Become a sexual communication pro

Talking about sex involves a skill most of us are never taught. That’s why it’s a good idea to practice whenever you have the opportunity. Becoming a sexual communication pro means talking about sex before, during, and after. It also means being open to giving and receiving feedback and then following through with that feedback.

Sexual communication can also take the form of small talk, where you create space in the relationship to discuss sex in the abstract and separate from your own experiences. This can be appreciating a sexual joke together, talking about sex scenes in movies, or commenting on trend pieces about how kids these days aren’t having sex, as just a few examples. The idea behind being a better sexual communicator is that you develop a comfort with addressing whatever sexual challenges you might face head-on and give encouragement and appreciation when its warranted. All of this adds to a general atmosphere of sexual pleasure.