Sexual Pleasure For Dummies Cheat Sheet

It can feel overwhelming to think about how to have the best possible sex life, and the places we usually turn to for help, like the internet, can have some majorly dubious advice. This cheat sheet is here to give you a high-level overview of where to start and what to focus on if you want to experience the most sexual pleasure possible.

The basics of sexual pleasure

There are basics to sexual pleasure that your middle school or high school sex ed curriculum probably didn’t cover. That’s because most sex ed focuses on pregnancy and STI prevention, not how to have the best possible sexual experiences. Here are some things you should know.

• Your brain is your biggest sex organ. Humans are wired for sexual pleasure. How much sexual pleasure you experience is largely determined by what you think about sex and how willing you are to allow your brain-body connection to do its thing.  
• Focus on pleasure anatomy, not orgasm. The areas of the body responsible for building sexual arousal are where you should focus your attention. This means lingering in foreplay longer than you might think is necessary. This buildup of arousal can also lead to the best orgasms.
• Recognize when shame keeps you stuck. Sexual shame is a major detractor from pleasure. Notice when shame creeps in and tells you you’re doing something wrong, or that you’re bad for liking certain kinds of sex.  
• Keep the lines of communication open. Talking about sex before, during, and after can help both you and your partner have the most pleasurable experiences. Don’t be afraid to give and take feedback.

The dos and don’ts of sexual pleasure

Sexual pleasure isn’t about getting everything “right.” It’s about curiosity, communication, and flexibility. What feels good can change over time, across partners, and even from one moment to the next.  

These dos and don’ts offer simple guidance to help you stay connected to your body, your values, and your partner, so pleasure can be intentional rather than accidental.

Do

• Familiarize yourself with your own pleasure anatomy. Using masturbation, identify what types of stimulation work best for your body.
• Identify your sexual values and the contexts that make sex the most fun for you.
• Plan for hard and/or awkward conversations. On the other side is more pleasurable sex!
• Be prepared to adjust during sex to accommodate your and your partner’s needs.
• Create space for sexual check-ins to give and receive feedback.

Don’t

• Assume that every person will respond to your sexual moves the same way.
• Feel weird about needing lube, sex toys, or sexual aids to feel your best during sex. You’re just giving your body what it needs.
• Set it and forget it. Yes, certain sexual habits are convenient and may even “work,” but the tried-and-true methods aren’t always the most pleasurable, especially as bodies change.
• Avoid discussions about safer sex and STIs. Sex is way more pleasurable when you know your risks and can minimize them.
• Knock it till you’ve tried it. Stay open to your partner’s turn-ons and indulge in them if you feel comfortable doing so. Then you can truly know whether it’s pleasurable for you.  

Common sexual pleasure pitfalls to avoid

Because you are human, you may experience sexual setbacks and challenges. Don’t let these throw you off your course towards sexual pleasure though. Here are some things you may need to address so that sex is the most pleasurable it can be.

• Overthinking: Yes, your brain helps with arousal, but at a certain point your body’s five senses need to take over. Mindfulness can help.
• “My way or the highway” sexual demands: Flexibility goes a long way when mutual pleasure is the goal.
• Ignoring sexual incompatibility: Just because there’s attraction doesn’t always mean you’re a sexual match.
• Avoiding tough conversations: You aren’t doing anyone any favors by withholding information about what would make sex more pleasurable.
• Neglecting your sexual values: Not every sexual experience has to be values-aligned, but check in if you notice that you have a pattern of having sex with people who don’t support you feeling how you want to feel.

Common sexual advice you don’t have to take

We often try to fill in the gaps of our lackluster sexual education with advice from friends, family, influencers or AI chatbots. But because sex is a tricky subject, not all advice we receive will be helpful. Here’s some advice you can politely ignore and why you should do so.

• “You should end the relationship if you don’t want as much sex as your partner.” Mismatched libido is super common and can happen for any number of reasons ranging from hormonal changes to everyday life stressors. Of course, relationship health can impact desire, but it’s not always the issue.
• “If you have to explain what you need during sex, the other person is probably just bad at sex.” It often takes time to learn new partners. It may also require communication and adjustments to make sex the best it can be.
• “There’s something wrong with you if you can’t orgasm with a partner.” People have difficulty orgasming with partners for so many reasons, most of which are emotional, psychological, or hormonal. These aren’t defects; they’re issues most people can work through.

Prioritizing sexual pleasure

With daily stressors that can pull your attention, it can be difficult to make sexual pleasure a priority. But prioritizing sexual pleasure for yourself and your partner(s) can reduce stress and bring more balance into your life. Here’s where to start.

• Know yourself sexually first so you can share that knowledge with partners.
• Be open to collaboration during sex. It’s a shared activity and each person’s pleasure matters.
• Expand your sexual repertoire by including sex toys and props.
• Work with your and your partner’s hormone cycles, not against them.
• Keep an open mind as your sex life changes over time. Staying curious instead of judging these changes will help you maintain and even improve sexual pleasure.