What Is a Kink and What Are Some Common Kinks?

What does it mean to be kinky or to have a kink? By definition, a kink suggests there is a bend in the works, somewhere. When applied to your desire, having a kink means there’s likely a twist to your sexuality — that somewhere in there, you want something that is seen as not traditional or customary. You can consider that to be your starting point.

There are seemingly endless variations in the ways kinksters (kinky people) live out their sexualities and their kink expression. In this article, we discuss the basics of kink so you can consider how your desires align with or depart from this intense world of intimacy and relationships.

Anything can be a kink

A kink may be a desire that seems so far-fetched or different that you feel the need to hide, or sugar-coat, or even deny it among people you care about because you are afraid of what they might think. If you’re worried you might be stigmatized or shunned at home, at work, or in your friend group because of how you want to connect intimately, it’s likely that you have a kink.

But regardless of what others might think:

A kink is a desire or set of activities that have a magnified impact on you emotionally or sexually, propelling you into a heightened state of arousal and vulnerability. People often describe their first encounter with kink desire as overwhelming or consuming.

Beyond this basic idea of a kink as an enthralling quirk in the world of sex and pleasure, how do you distinguish your kinks from your other desires? And why are they so compelling?

What are some common kinks?

While many kinks have become widely known in popular culture  — such as a desire to be tied up, or an urge to psychologically dominate a partner, others are much more obscure or undiscussed.

The following checklist of some common kinky desires that novices in the kink world might share with each other by way of introduction, or when attempting to discover whether your kinks are compatible.

It doesn’t matter if the compelling desire you’ve discovered is something other people know or talk about. What matters is that it’s meaningful to you and might be something you want to explore with others. Chapter 5 of Kink For Dummies takes you on a much more in-depth discovery process with your kinks.

How to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy desires

Take a breath. If you’ve been hiding a desire that is on this checklist, or maybe isn’t on the checklist, but now feels possible to think about it  — you may be activated. This means that your heart might be racing, and you might feel frozen, or a need to flee. Just breathe. It’s okay to want what you want.

Consent is the critical hinge that differentiates healthy kinks from problematic or damaging kink practices. For example, consensual pain may be mutually pursued and enjoyed among kink playmates and is the polar opposite of harm. Harm comes from having acts imposed upon you, your agency stolen, and your trust and your body violated.

We describe what consent and mutual respect look like in kink relationships in Chapter 3 of Kink For Dummies, so you can figure out what you need to do or say in order to engage wholeheartedly and safely in any of your kink desires.

Don't yuck my yum

An important value in kink communities is: Don’t yuck my yum. If someone else’s kink doesn’t interest you — or seems disturbing — it’s not for you. Move along. Find people who share your kinky interests and do what you love. But don’t judge others for desires that seem peculiar or distasteful to you. Because the last thing you (or anyone) needs is that boomerang of judgment and disdain to fly back around at you.