Emotional Health & Psychology Articles

Article / Updated 10-23-2023

Just as the aim of mindfulness isn’t to relax the body, though this sometimes happens, so the aim of mindfulness isn’t to calm the mind, though this sometimes happens too. Your mind is like the ocean – occasionally wild, and at other times calm. Sometimes your mind goes from thought to thought without stopping to rest. At other times, your thoughts come slower and have more of a space between them. Mindfulness isn’t so much about changing the rate of your thoughts, but about noticing the thoughts arising in the first place. Listen to your thoughts with mindfulness Everything man-made around you was originally a thought in someone’s head. Many people consider thought to be all-powerful. All your words, all your action and activities – everything is motivated by thought. So, being aware of the kind of thoughts going through your mind makes sense. The brain easily gets into habitual patterns, as your thoughts travel their paths within the brain. Each time you have a particular thought, or carry out a particular action, you slightly increase the chance of having the same thought again. Through repeated thinking or action, the connection between neurons strengthens. If you aren’t mindful of these thoughts or actions, you may have all sorts of negative, untrue, unhelpful thoughts or behaviors that influence your life without you even being aware of them or questioning the truth or validity of them. Mindfulness encourages you to watch your thoughts, emotions and actions; then you’re better able to notice unhelpful thoughts and question their truth. Use mindfulness to make better decisions Every moment of every day you make decisions, whether you’re aware of them or not. At some point, you’ll decide to stop and do something else. More significant decisions you have to make have a bigger impact, and a ‘good’ decision is highly desirable. All that you do and have at the moment is partly due to the decisions you made in the past. Awareness of your body can help you make better decisions – a gut feeling is a signal from your belly telling you what to do and has been found in some experiments to be faster and more accurate than logical thinking. Research shows a mass of nerves in the gut that’s like a second brain. This intuition is routinely used by top CEOs of corporations to make critical decisions. Come to your senses through mindfulness One of the key ways of becoming more mindful and of calming the mind is to connect with your senses – sight, sound, touch, smell and taste. People’s use of the word ‘sense’ shows they appreciate and value being in touch with our organs of perception. You know innately the value of connecting to your senses if you want to make a sensible decision. What is the benefit of purposefully connecting with your senses? Well, if you aren’t paying attention to the stimulation coming through your five senses you’re only paying attention to your thoughts and emotions. You’re not aware of anything else. Your thoughts are mainly based on your experiences from the past, from memory. You may imagine something new, but on the whole, your mind reworks past experiences, or projects ideas into the future based on your past experiences. Emotions are also very much influenced by your thoughts. So, without paying attention to your senses, you’re stuck with your own thoughts and emotions based on the past instead of the present. By purposefully connecting with one of your senses, say, touch, you begin naturally to calm your mind a little. In mindfulness you can begin by focusing on your breathing. Focus on your belly stretching or your chest expanding or perhaps the movement of the air as it enters and leaves your body. By focusing on a particular sense, in this case the sense of touch, you’re focusing your attention. Rather than your mind wandering wherever it pleases, you’re gently training it to stay on one object, namely your breathing. By coming to your senses mindfully you are Training your attention to focus. Being kind to yourself when your mind wanders off. Realizing that you’ve a certain amount of choice about what you pay attention to. Understanding that you can deliberately choose to shift attention away from thinking and into the senses. Calming your mind. Create an attentive mind with mindfulness Attention is essential in achieving anything. If you can’t pay attention, you can’t get the job done, whatever the job is. Mindfulness trains your attention by sustaining your attention on one thing, or by switching the type of attention from time to time. There are several types of attention: Narrow attention is focused and sharp, like the beam of a laser. You may use this type of attention when chopping vegetables or writing a letter. Wide attention is more open and spacious, like a floodlight. When you’re driving, ideally your attention is open so you’d notice if a car moved closer to you from the side, or if children were playing up ahead. Outer attention is attention to the outer world through your senses. Inner attention is an awareness of your thoughts and feelings. Observer or witness awareness is your capacity to know what type of attention you’re using. For example, if you’re drawing a picture, you’re aware that your attention is narrow. If you’re walking through the countryside, you’re aware that your attention is wide.

Article / Updated 10-23-2023

Feeling and expressing gratitude goes a long way toward alleviating your stress in daily life. Intuitively you know you should feel and express gratitude, but you may put it into practice less often than you think. You may look at exercise in the same way: You know you should do more of it, but you just don’t. Sometimes you need to be reminded and encouraged. Keeping a journal makes it more likely that you’ll be aware of the importance of gratitude and express gratitude more frequently. Here’s what to do: Find a time when you have a few moments to yourself and think about four or five things in your life right now for which you are thankful. This could be on the train on your way to work, on a coffee break at your desk, or at any quiet moment when you can step back and reflect. Here are some things you might be grateful for: Your health Your friends Your children Your relationship Your skills and talents Your home Your job Your life itself Add to this list and come up with additional aspects of your life for which you can feel grateful. For some people, carrying out this exercise daily may work best; for others, once a week may be enough. If you’re a good journal-keeper, you may want to jot down these objects of gratitude. Either way, try to make this exercise a regular part of your day or week. Acknowledging those parts of your life for which you should be grateful is important; expressing gratitude to others is the other part. Too often we feel gratitude but fail to express it. Our hearts are in the right place, but we don’t communicate our gratitude to the other person. This communication can take the form of a simple thank you or a more elaborate expression of gratitude. It can be in response to a specific behavior or a larger pattern of behavior on the other person’s part. It can be something that happened recently or something that goes way back. It can be someone you know personally or someone you only know of. It can be a close connection, such as a family member, or someone more remote, such as a mail carrier, an author, or your child’s teacher. These days, you have plenty of options for delivering your message. The vehicle for your gratitude could be a face-to-face meeting, a phone call, an e-mail, an instant message, a text message, or perhaps even a letter. Don’t wait for next Thanksgiving.

Article / Updated 10-20-2023

Maybe you’re wondering whether you’re codependent. It may be hard to tell at first, because, unless you’re already in recovery, denial is a symptom of codependency. Whether or not you identify as codependent, you can still benefit from alleviating any symptoms you recognize. You will function better in your life. Recovery helps you to be authentic, feel good about yourself, and have more honest, open, and intimate relationships. Like most things, codependency varies on a scale from minimal to severe. When you’re under stress, symptoms flare. Some individuals show only slight symptoms, while others have all of the typical characteristics Some traits and examples may sound foreign, while you can relate to others. The severity of codependency varies depending on a number of things, such as the following: Your genetics Your culture, including your religious beliefs Your family’s dynamics Your experience of trauma Your role models Your addictions or use of drugs Intimate relationships you may have or had with addicts If you’re codependent, generally symptoms show up to some extent in all your relationships and in intimate ones to a greater degree. Or codependency may affect your interaction with only one person — a spouse or romantic partner, a parent, sibling, or child, or someone at work. Codependency may not affect you as much at work if you’ve had effective role models or learned interpersonal skills that help you manage. Maybe you weren’t having a problem until a particular relationship, boss, or work environment triggered you. One explanation may be that the parent has a difficult personality or the child has special needs, and the couple has adjusted to their roles and to one another, but avoids intimacy. The spectrum of codependency is illustrated in the figure below. The horizontal vector shows how opposite codependent personality traits can manifest in a relationship. Individuals may reverse roles. For example, you may be the pursuer in one relationship and a distancer in another, or flip back and forth in the same relationship. In an alcoholic marriage, the sober spouse may scold and blame the irresponsible, needy alcoholic, who behaves like a victim. Then their roles switch, and the alcoholic dominates and controls his or her partner. Sometimes the spouse who acts needy or “crazy” gets well, and the self-sufficient, invulnerable partner breaks down. Both the disease and recovery exist on a scale represented by the vertical vector here. Codependent behavior and symptoms improve with recovery, described at the top, but if you don’t take steps to change, they become worse in the late stage, indicated at the bottom. As you get better acquainted with the symptoms and characteristics of codependents, you may see yourself. If you feel overwhelmed by the thought of having codependency, instead focus on the patterns and behaviors you want to change. If you’re committed to change, it really doesn’t matter whether or not you consider yourself a codependent. However, it’s important to realize that codependency won’t get better or go away by itself. Support is essential, because you won’t be able to make permanent changes on your own.

Article / Updated 10-20-2023

Guilt can, in some instances, actually lead to self-improvement and build self-esteem. The problem for codependents is that their guilt is usually irrational and stems from shame and poor boundaries. Studies show that healthy guilt encourages people to have more empathy for others, to take corrective action, and to improve themselves. Shame, on the other hand, makes you feel inferior, inadequate, or bad about who you are versus what you did. Unhealthy guilt impedes self-acceptance. Self-forgiveness is self-essential to self-esteem. Yet for many codependents, self-acceptance remains elusive because of unhealthy guilt — sometimes for decades or a lifetime. It may be an unrelenting source of pain. You might hold a belief that you should feel guilty and condemn yourself — not once, but over and over — or guilt may simmer in your subconscious. Either way, this kind of guilt is insidious and self-destructive and can sabotage your ability to find happiness and achieve your goals. Here are things you should examine when you feel guilty: Guilt shouldn’t drag on and preoccupy you. When guilt is irrational and not absolved, it can lead to shame. Instead of enhancing empathy and self-improvement, it has the opposite effect. It causes greater self-preoccupation and undermines both the self and relationships. It also promotes aggression and depression. You may be punishing yourself unnecessarily. Are you harder on yourself than others? Would you keep punishing someone over and over for a mistake, or would you forgive them? Guilt causes anger and resentment, not only at yourself, but toward other people in order to justify your actions. Anger, resentment, and guilt sap your energy. They keep you stuck in the past and prevent you from moving forward. A better approach is to think of your mistakes as learning opportunities. To be sure, you’ll have another chance to do things differently next time. Guilt about your thoughts and feelings impairs rather than promotes self-acceptance. You may feel guilty not only for your actions, but also for your thoughts (for instance, wishing someone pain, misfortune, or even death); your feelings (like anger, lust, or greed); or your lack of feelings (such as not reciprocating love or friendship or not feeling grief over the loss of someone close). You may be feeling guilty for things others have done. Because of a lack of boundaries and low self-esteem, it’s common for codependents to take the blame for others’ behavior. Although irrational, you may feel guilty for the thoughts, attributes, feelings, and actions of someone else. You may be adopting others’ projections. You might judge yourself based upon the blame or false accusations emanating from others, which you accept to be true. For example, an abuser or addict may blame you to avoid responsibility, but you take on that blame. If your partner is a narcissist, they might accuse you of being selfish, even though your partner is the one who is selfish. Rationalizing or ignoring your guilt helps only temporarily, but it isn’t the same as self-forgiveness. Alternatively, beating yourself up prolongs guilt and shame and damages your self-esteem. The best approach is to face what you did, accept responsibility, do some self-examination, and take remedial action.

Article / Updated 10-20-2023

Good parenting requires having appropriate and flexible boundaries that respect individuality and separateness. In healthy families, parents respect emotional, mental, sexual, and physical boundaries. In dysfunctional families, boundaries are rigid, blurred, or a mixture. Individual boundaries When boundaries are too rigid, family members are likely disengaged emotionally and physically. There may be no feeling of closeness, nor affection showed. As adults, siblings may be emotionally distant, and families may not often celebrate together. On the other hand, when boundaries are nonexistent or enmeshed, family members may feel as though they have no right to set boundaries. They may gossip and overreact to each other, give unwanted advice, and invade each other's personal space. In the same vein, some controlling parents may disrespect their children's decisions and control their hobbies, school courses, friends, and personal dress styles. Parents may also invade boundaries by prying, reading their children's mail, questioning their friends, and ransacking or taking their belongings without permission. One likely explanation for this behavior is that some parents resist their children's urge to separate because they want to be needed. They see natural independence as disloyalty and abandonment. Children, on the other hand, may either rebel or feel guilty when they try to set boundaries with their controlling parents and with others as an adult. Your experiences with individual boundaries As an exercise, describe the boundaries in your family growing up in the following areas: Money Your personal belongings Physical touching and showing affection Sex and nudity Emotional — respect for your feelings Mental — respect for your thoughts and opinions Generational boundaries There are also generational boundaries between parents and children, which can be violated if children are put in an adult role. This often happens when a parent becomes overly close with their child and uses them as a companion, as a confidante to discuss their parental relationship or personal problems, or as an ally against the other parent. In this case, the child functions as an emotional surrogate for the lack of intimacy between the parents and/or as an ally or pawn in their power struggles. After a divorce, generational boundaries are often disrespected when one parent uses a child to convey messages to the other parent. Generational boundaries are also crossed when a child takes over parental responsibilities for an irresponsible or emotionally or physically absent parent. This can happen in single-parent families or if one parent is ill, in the military, or an addict. Some children as young as 5 are left to make their own meals. One child may assume the role of “little mother” or “little man” and take care of younger siblings or a needy parent. This is how many codependents learn to become over-functioning adults and caretakers. Some receive praise for doing so, and their role becomes part of their personality as adults. Your experiences with generational boundaries? Crossing generational boundaries is psychologically damaging. If this happened to you, you likely had to repress your needs and feelings in order to adopt an unnatural, age-inappropriate persona (be “a little adult”) to accommodate the needs of your parent. This may have separated you from your authentic child-self. Think about boundaries between generations: Did you have to perform adult tasks or assume adult responsibilities? Did a parent inappropriately confide with you? Did a parent ask you to talk to your other parent for him or her? Did you believe you had a special relationship with a parent who excluded your other parent? How did you feel in each of these situations?

Article / Updated 10-20-2023

The best advice in healing from codependency would be “love yourself.” Does that sound kind of cheesy? Probably. It might even feel wrong because you’re so used to loving other people. Or you may not even know how to love you. But think about those you love. You want to know them, support them, encourage them, give to them, and make them happy. Your love for them involves actions as well as feelings. Do you do that for yourself? Here are a few ways you can start. 1. Have a spiritual practice Love yourself by spending time alone. Whether or not you believe in God, a spiritual practice is an excellent means of creating a deeper relationship with your self. What better way is there to honor yourself than by setting aside some quiet "me-time" each day? A spiritual practice doesn’t require religious beliefs. Your intention may simply be to find a centered, calm place to access inner guidance, to develop reverence for life, or to experience harmony with yourself and others. Listening and finding truth gives you greater confidence, clarity, and peace. It helps you let go of control and be less reactionary, despite what’s happening around you. 2. Receive support Asking for and receiving help is another way to love yourself. Human beings are social animals, and we need each other. When you’re lonely, confused, anxious, overwhelmed, or in the dumps, reaching out is a way of giving to yourself. Sometimes, turning to God brings comfort and guidance. Other times, your emotions take over, and you’re unable to think or calm yourself. That’s when you need others. There are times when everyone needs support. When problems persist and don’t go away on their own, that's a sign you may require more than friends can offer. Unfortunately, some people believe that asking for and receiving help are signs of weakness. If you’re used to helping others, you probably don’t feel worthy of or comfortable receiving help. Changing that pattern is growth. Whether it’s going to a meeting or seeking professional counseling, getting support isn’t an indulgence or a character flaw. In fact, it takes self‐honesty to know your limits, and humility and courage to ask for help. Doing so allows others to give and feel close to you. Appreciating their love and support is both human and healthy. 3. Meet your needs It's key to attend to your own needs. If you’ve been tending the needs of others but neglecting your own, it’s time to turn that around and put yourself first. The reverse can also happen — you expect others to fill needs that are your responsibility. Be sure to address your basic, physical needs, such as healthy food, rest, exercise, and medical and dental checkups. Give special attention to needs you may be overlooking. When you’re lonely, sad, angry, afraid, overwhelmed, confused, tired, or feeling like a victim, ask yourself what you need. If you’re depressed, you may have been avoiding and neglecting yourself for a long time. Some needs are met by others, such as needs for intimacy and friendship. It’s your responsibility to speak up and ask for what you need and want. Don't expect others to develop ESP and read your mind — that only leads to resentment and conflict. 4. Have fun Show love to yourself by planning pleasure, recreation, and hobbies. Though they might seem trivial, these are needs, too. Focusing on a problem often makes it worse. Without balance, pain can turn into self‐pity and become a way of life. There are also people who take themselves too seriously. They develop tunnel vision when it comes to work and problems. For them, living is a struggle, a competition, or a test of endurance and achievement. You may have forgotten how to laugh and enjoy yourself, which is important in maintaining balance in both your body’s chemistry and your life. Life isn’t meant to be a burden, but to be enjoyed. Celebrate it by making time to relax, play, and be creative — activities that are rejuvenating and bring you into the present. Sometimes, when you take a break and have fun — even for a short time — your worries magically dissolve, and you gain a new perspective on a problem. Pleasure restores your energy and sense of well‐being, which not only nourishes your soul, but also enhances the productivity and quality of your work. 5. Protect yourself Keeping yourself safe from physical, mental, and emotional abuse is an essential part of showing yourself love. Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to accept insulting or ­demeaning words or behavior. If you think you’re being abused, don’t waste your energy or risk your safety trying to change the abuser, explaining your position, or proving your innocence. It won't change them, and it make things more difficult for you. You didn’t cause, nor are you responsible for, other people's words or behavior, but you do have a responsibility to protect yourself and your children. You have a choice to speak up, set limits, disengage from the conversation, leave the room, get professional help, call the police when there’s violence, or end the relationship. 6. Accept yourself Love yourself as the unique individual you are, including your appearance, feelings, thoughts, and addictions. You don’t have to earn respect or prove anything. You’re deserving of love and respect as a human being with flaws and failures. Notice if you’re trying to change for someone else’s validation. Instead, remind yourself that being yourself is more important. When you practice self‐acceptance, you stop worrying about what others think and can be more authentic and spontaneous. Becoming and accepting yourself takes time. Forcing change with constant self‐evaluation and self‐judgment keeps you stuck, but self‐acceptance allows change to happen with little effort. When you slip or make mistakes, remember that self‐criticism compounds them. It’s much more productive to forgive yourself and focus on your behavior in the present. 7. Be gentle to yourself As the old song goes, "try a little tenderness." Love yourself with gentleness and compassion. Modulate your inner voice so that it’s calm and kind. When you’re afraid or in pain, blaming yourself or thinking there’s something wrong with you makes matters worse. When you’re tempted to ignore your feelings and distract yourself with more activity, obsessions, or addictive behavior, practice just being with yourself. Just as you would for a friend, be the one who is there for you with gentleness and compassion in your anxiety, sorrow, hopelessness, anger, and terror. The child within you needs you. Comfort yourself with all the tenderness you would a crying child or wounded animal. Listen, forgive, and embrace your full humanness. Develop the trust that you can count on yourself. 8. Encourage yourself Give yourself encouragement and enthusiasm. Transform your inner critic into a positive coach. Get in the habit of finding things you do well and acknowledging them. Don’t wait for others to appreciate and compliment you. Appreciate and compliment yourself. In fact, repeat praise over and over. Instead of taking your good qualities for granted, notice them, and give yourself credit. Look for small things you do right and well. Stop doubting yourself, and pay attention to every small sign of progress toward your goals. Tell yourself you can make it — you can do whatever you desire. When you love yourself with encouragement, you'll soon see your self-confidence grow. 9. Express yourself Madonna was on to something with this lyric. Your self has been hidden too long. Healing shame requires that you risk being seen. Commit to stop hiding and honor yourself by communicating your feelings, opinions, thoughts, and needs. You have a right to think and feel what you do without explanation or justification. Your self‐respect and the respect you receive from others will grow. Self‐expression also includes your creativity. There are all sorts of different mediums where you can explore expressing yourself: music, writing, design, art, cooking, crafts, dance, or wherever else your creativity leads you. Tell your inner critic you’re creating for fun. There's no room for them here. 10. Pursue your passions Finally, tune in to your true passions. Only you hold the keys to your happiness. Talking yourself out of pursuing your desires leads to discontent and regret. Even if your desires are impractical or unprofitable, don’t allow those obstacles to discourage you. Every day, take one small step toward realizing your goals or doing something that excites you. If you’re uncertain about your passions, pay attention to what stimulates you, or try some new things. Listen to what calls to you, follow your inspiration, and take risks to experience the fullness of who you are. If you’re depressed or overwhelmed, it can be hard to think about positive goals. For now, make your recovery your number‐one objective. In time, you will have more energy and motivation about the future and your desires. Be patient. Goals or a specific direction eventually emerge.

Article / Updated 10-18-2023

Although mental health clinicians recognize codependency when they see it, the definition of codependency and who has it has been debated for decades. Experts agree that codependent patterns are passed on from one generation to another and that they can be unlearned — with help. An overview Therapists and counselors see people with an array of symptoms, such as depression, anxiety, addiction, or intimacy and relationships issues. Clients are hurting and often believe the cause is something outside of themselves, like their partner, a troubled child, or a job. On closer examination, however, they start to see that, despite whatever else may be going on, their behavior and thinking patterns are adding to their problems — that is to say, their patterns are dysfunctional. These patterns have an addictive, compulsive quality, meaning that they take on a life of their own, despite their destructive consequences. The root problem is usually codependency. Why relationships hurt Along with comfort and pleasure, intimate relationships especially evoke all your hopes, fears, and yearnings. You want to feel secure and be loved, appreciated, and taken care of. Dependence upon those closest to you further magnifies your emotional needs and vulnerability to being rejected, judged, and seen at your worst. Codependency is a particular kind of dependence. It’s insidious and ­powerful. It robs you of joy, peace of mind, and the ability to have sustained, loving relationships. It affects your relationship with yourself and limits your flexibility and the natural flow of relationships with others, including giving and receiving love and support and the ability to communicate, compromise, and problem-solve. All the symptoms work together to not only deprive codependents of the benefits possible in relationships, but they also create problems that wouldn’t have otherwise existed. For example, shame and low self-esteem make you insecure, anxious, and dependent upon others’ acceptance and validation. You may feel uncomfortable being yourself and be hypersensitive to perceived criticism or abandonment (even where neither exists). You may attempt to control or manipulate people to maintain a relationship and to be liked. Some codependents require repeated reassurances or are afraid to be direct and honest, which is necessary for effective communication and real intimacy. Childhood shame and trauma conceal their real, core self, which they can’t access. Instead, codependents develop a persona in the world that reacts to others, to their own self-criticism, and to their imagined ideal of who they should be. To be acceptable to others and to themselves, you hide who you are and become who you aren’t. You may not even be aware of how self-critical you are but suffer the “tyranny of the should’s” — a phrase coined by psychoanalyst Karen Horney (pronounced “Horn-eye”). Even though you may not relate to this, it still operates beneath your conscious awareness. You may only be aware of your persona illustrated here and nothing on the inner circles. Credit: By Darlene Lancer All relationships require boundaries. Love is not safe without them. Yet many codependents tolerate being treated without respect, because they lack self-worth. They don’t feel entitled to compliments, to be truly loved, or to set limits. They might do more than their share at work or in a relationship to earn acceptance, but they end up feeling unappreciated, used, or resentful. Shame can also cause codependents to deny or discount their feelings and needs, both to themselves and in their relationships. To cope, they sometimes disregard what’s actually happening, ruminate with worry or resentment, or finally explode. Their denial and confusion about their boundaries and responsibilities to themselves and to others create problems with intimacy and communication. Instead of bringing couples closer, frequently communication is avoided, is used to manipulate, or is highly reactive, leading to escalating conflict and/or withdrawal. Nothing gets resolved. They end up feeling trapped and unhappy because their symptoms paralyze them with fear of rejection and loneliness. The symptoms of codependency are all interwoven. They lead to painful emotions and self-sabotaging behaviors that produce negative feedback loops.

Article / Updated 10-18-2023

If you think you may be codependent, you need help to change your behavior. Here are some sources of help for those suffering from codependency: Read all you can about codependency (but reading alone is insufficient to change). Go to a Twelve Step meeting for codependents, such as Codependents Anonymous, called CoDA, or Al-Anon for family members of alcoholics. There are other Twelve Step groups for relatives of other addicts, such as for relatives of gamblers, narcotic addicts, and sex addicts. You can look on the Internet or in your phone book to find out where there’s a meeting near you. Get counseling from someone familiar with codependency. It’s preferable that they are licensed in your state. They may be marriage and family counselors, social workers, addiction specialists, psychologists, or psychiatrists. You will probably find it hard to focus on and discipline yourself to make changes without the support of a group or therapist. If you’re practicing an addiction, stopping that should be your first priority before tackling codependency. Here’s a list of things you can do on your own to get started: When you’re tempted to think or worry about someone else, turn your attention back to you. Pay attention to how you talk to and treat yourself. Much of low self-esteem is self-inflicted. Train yourself to speak gently and encouraging rather than telling yourself what you should or shouldn’t be doing or what’s wrong with you. Have some fun and pursue hobbies and interests of your own. Start a spiritual practice where you spend time alone with yourself. Meditation is an ideal way to help you become more calm and self-aware. Start looking for the positive in your life and what you do. Make a grateful list each day and read it to someone. Stand-up for yourself if someone criticizes, undermines, or tries to control you. Don’t worry! That’s not easy, but most worries never come to pass. You lose precious moments in the present. Mediation and talking things out with someone who knows about recovering from codependency can help you. Let go of control and the need to manage other people. Remember the saying, “Live and let live.” Accept yourself, so you don’t have to be perfect. Get in touch with your feelings. Don’t judge them. Feelings just are. They’re not logical or right or wrong. Express yourself honestly with everyone. Say what you think and what you feel. Ask for what you need. Reach out for help when you feel bad. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re self-sufficient and can manage alone. That’s a symptom of codependency, too.

Cheat Sheet / Updated 10-18-2023

If you wonder whether you may be codependent, you’re not alone. Different types of people may behave in a codependent manner, and codependence manifests in varying degrees of severity. Not all codependents are unhappy, but others live in pain or quiet desperation. Codependency is not something you heal from and are forever done with, but you can enjoy yourself, your life, and your relationships. Should you choose to embark on recovery, you’re beginning an exciting and empowering journey.

Article / Updated 10-18-2023

Codependents’ shame and low self-esteem result in problems with boundaries and dysfunctional communication. Self-esteem, clear boundaries, and the ability to be assertive are essential to healthy communication. They are the foundation for avoiding fights and handling conflict. Unresolved or escalating conflicts are the norm among codependent couples, who probably didn’t have good role models for expressing anger and handling conflict. Often in codependent relationships, one or both partners are usually passive or aggressive, rather than assertive. When it comes to disagreements, low self-esteem leads to Inability to express your needs and wants Being very reactive People-pleasing Not taking responsibility for your behavior, feelings, and needs Inability to be honest Taking things personally Defensiveness Hidden expectations of others Blaming Attacking or withdrawing Arguments in themselves aren’t necessarily a bad sign. Having different needs and opinions is inevitable. Conflict means differences are surfacing, and this allows for negotiation and respect for one another’s needs. But in some relationships, differences aren’t acknowledged, either because one partner dominates a subservient one or because boundaries are enmeshed and both individuals are merged. They don’t really know themselves, or one or both are sacrificing who they are to please the other. The solutions to differences usually backfire, because they build resentment and passive-aggressive behavior. As a result, intimacy suffers. For such couples who don’t usually argue, conflict is a sign of growth and maturity. In healthy conflict, you’re able to express your needs and wants and mutually work out compromises. You’re able to problem-solve together. Your intentions and how you approach differences are critical. The objective should be to resolve a disagreement to the satisfaction of both of you. It’s not about winning and losing. You can “win” an argument, but the relationship may suffer if your partner feels discounted, deflated, or resentful. Planning when, where, and how you approach a disagreement is important for achieving satisfactory results. Draw up rules of engagement in advance. Here are eight suggestions for handling conflict: Make it okay to “agree to disagree.” You don’t have to agree on everything. Try to accept irresolvable differences that don’t violate your values. Have time-limited discussions and stick to the pre-set time. A half-hour is plenty. You can always reconvene. Work through things as they come up. Don’t stockpile resentments; otherwise, each postponement becomes a block to the next communication. Remember to maintain goodwill by separating the person you care about from the behavior. Assume that your partner is doing his or her best and isn’t hurting you intentionally. Take responsibility for your behavior, needs, and feelings. Use “I” statements to share your feelings and thoughts about yourself. Listen with curiosity and a desire to understand your partner and to see the world through his or her eyes. When you don’t understand, ask for clarification. Use a “we” approach. “We have a problem,” not “My problem with you is . . .” Adapted from Darlene Lancer’s “22 Do’s and Don’ts of Positive Conflict.”