10 Rules of Good Ex Etiquette

This article introduces ten rules of good ex etiquette and explains why good behavior matters so much. Relying on these rules helps parents make well-balanced decisions even in the most stressful situations.

Put the children first

The cornerstone of this list is to put the children first. When you truly do that, decision-making becomes surprisingly clear. The work isn’t complicated, but it’s intentional: Set aside your own interests, hurt, resentment, or anger, and use your children’s well-being as the lens for every choice.

When you make that shift, the ex who once felt unbearable often fades into the background. Compared to your child’s welfare, the old conflict simply matters less. You may even hear yourself thinking, “Maybe it’s okay if he takes Johnny to his football game on my week.”

That’s the moment you know you’re leading with good ex etiquette and putting the children first.

Ask each other for help if you need it

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard parents call themselves “single parents” when they’re really co-parenting. They’ll say, “Now that we’ve broken up, I’m raising the kids all by myself.”

It’s common to feel that way sometimes. But if your ex sees the kids regularly, contributes to expenses, and shows up for games and recitals, you’re not doing this solo. You have help available that you can ask for. And yes, asking can be tough. That’s exactly where these rules come in.

“But I have asked, and they always say no. It’s a waste of time.”

Ask again. This is your new co-parenting relationship, not your old relationship where you argued to make a point and were so frustrated that both of you always said no. It’s up to you to make the shift and put it into action by reaching out and asking for help.

No badmouthing

Badmouthing isn’t just obvious insults like, “Your mother/father is such a !#$@^&*.” It also shows up as an impatient sigh or in smaller comments said in passing. Children take those remarks personally because criticizing a parent feels like criticizing a part of them. It also puts children in the middle, forcing them to weigh what’s being said, decide whether it’s true, and figure out which parent is right.

Badmouthing also tends to backfire. Children instinctively protect the parent they perceive as being attacked. “You’re saying something bad about my Mommy” can quickly translate into, “I don’t want to be here. He makes me feel bad.” Instead of strengthening your bond, the commentary pushes the child away.

Biological parents make the rules; bonus parents uphold them

This is the only rule on the list that requires a preface. Family systems are rarely simple, and in some homes, a bonus parent is also a parent with children of their own. In these blended households, rules often existed before the bonus family was formed. Routines are already established, and coordination matters. In those situations, the bonus parent should absolutely be consulted, particularly when expectations affect all children in the home.

That said, the core principle remains: Biological parents are responsible for setting the rules for their own children. Bonus parents play a vital, supportive role by reinforcing those rules, not redefining them. When expectations are aligned, children experience clarity rather than competition between adults.

Don’t be spiteful or hold grudges

If you stay angry at your co-parent, you’re making your decisions with that in mind, not the kids. You’ll find yourself reacting rather than being proactive when problem-solving.

Here’s what that looks like in real life: Your ex makes a suggestion, and your first thought is, “Five years ago she pulled that stunt at my sister’s wedding, and I’m still not over it.” So, you say no not because the suggestion is bad, but because you’re still mad about something that happened half a decade ago.

The thing is, you never actually say that. You just dig in your heels and refuse. Your ex has no idea you’re still upset about the wedding incident, or whatever it was, so from their perspective, you just look unreasonable and impossible to work with. You know exactly why you’re being difficult, but they don’t, and that makes you look even more unreasonable.

Don't hold grudges

Spite and revenge keep you stuck in the past. When you hold onto anger, you’re “ex-ing” by refighting old battles in your head. The kids didn’t break up. You did. Don’t make them pay the price for it.

Use empathy when problem-solving

I talk about empathy a lot. It’s the e in the C.A.R.E. acronym I’ve mentioned throughout this book. Empathy is the great equalizer. If you can put yourself in your ex’s shoes and feel how they might be feeling, you may not be so quick to lose your temper or judge their point of view.

This can be simplified by saying, “Don’t ask your ex to do anything you wouldn’t want to do.” If you don’t like your ex being late, don’t be late. If you want to switch weekends because you have something special planned, don’t say no when they ask you for the same thing. If you want your ex to respond to texts about the kids promptly, don’t leave their messages unread for two days. The list goes on and on.

Basically, it’s the Golden Rule. Treat your co-parent the way you’d like to be treated, and you’ll be amazed at how much more inclined they are to cooperate.

Be honest and straightforward

Transparency while co-parenting is essential. When a child knows their parent has lied to their other parent, it puts the child in an impossible position. They become the secret-keeper, carrying information they know is false, and that’s a huge burden for a kid.

Even more dangerous is when parents use phrases like “what happens here stays here” or “don’t tell.” That’s classic grooming and abuse language. When you tell your child to keep secrets from their other parent, you’re using the same manipulation tactic that abusers use.

Bottom line: Lying between co-parents and asking children to keep secrets undermines their sense of security. Kids need to trust that their parents are honest and reliable.

Respect each other’s turf

Once you and your co-parent break up, your children have two homes. And, as much as both parents want to dictate policy, they really can’t. Divorced or separated parents must learn to respect each other enough to trust that the other will make the right decisions for the children.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t discuss things. In fact, you should coordinate as much as possible. Bedtimes? Homework rituals? Discipline?

But once the decision has been made, it’s done. Harping on the other parent to do it your way will only get you into another argument, or they’ll avoid you and stop returning texts and phone calls.

An easy way to cultivate the respect of an ex is to simply ask their opinion. Ironically, that’s about the last thing an estranged co-parent wants to do. Some see it as a sign of weakness, a loss of power. But power comes from within, not from whether your co-parent says it’s okay. Asking for an opinion isn’t asking permission. It demonstrates respect. It’s a gesture as much as a tool for problemsolving. You don’t have to take the advice; however, when your co-parent feels heard, you’re both well on the way to solving the problem.

Compromise whenever possible

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “At least I don’t have to listen to her (or him) now that we’ve broken up!”

Ironically, compromising may be even more important now than when you were together. Compromise is an excellent tool for problem-solving, and it begins with listening to your ex’s concerns. The simple act of listening validates both parties. It’s much easier to find common ground — the basis for compromise — when both sides feel heard.

If you listen, use empathy when problem-solving, are honest and straightforward, don’t hold grudges, aren’t spiteful, and put the children first, you’re using good ex etiquette, and it will be easy to find a compromise in the best interest of your children.