Hop into your mental time machine and imagine that you are observing what happened in your past. What loving behavior did you experience? How much kind attention did you get? When were you praised for what you did well? Who did you get affection from?
When parents appreciate their children and guide them toward their strengths, their children naturally develop healthy self-esteem and confidence. What helped you in this direction?
On the other hand, certain experiences in the family can lead to low self-esteem. By comparing the two, you can see what experiences you’ve had that have led to your sense of self-esteem today.
Following are some family experiences that lead to healthy self-esteem:
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Receiving kisses and hugs
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Being spoken to in a polite manner
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Being listened to
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Being praised
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Being given high and achievable expectations
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Being told that effort over time produces results, so obstacles are accepted
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Being told that failure happens to everyone, so disappointments are accepted
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Being valued for who you are
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Receiving attention and care
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Being severely disciplined
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Being screamed at and ordered around
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Being disregarded
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Being belittled and told you do everything wrong
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Being given high but impossible expectations
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Being told that fortune or luck produces results, so helplessness is the outcome
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Being told that if you fail, you’re no good
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Being compared unfavorably to siblings or other children
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Being neglected
Look at the previous bullets of how experiences in your family can create either healthy self-esteem or low self-esteem. Grab a notebook, and write down on one page all the things you remember that were done in your family that helped you develop healthy self-esteem. Then write down on one page all the things you remember that led to low self-esteem. Which list is longer? Write down which experiences had the greatest impact.
Think about your parents or the people who raised you. What were their favorite sayings? What things did they say over and over again in relation to everyday events? In your notebook, write down the language of your childhood to identify the beliefs that were communicated to you.
It can be tempting to fall into the trap of blaming your parents or other people from your past. If you find fault with others instead of taking responsibility for your own life, you’ll wait for others to change. While that might happen, you can't depend on it. The change must come from within you.