Anger Management Articles

Article / Updated 04-01-2022

Through appropriate anger management techniques, you can use your anger as a motivator to make positive changes around you. Constructive anger involves these two things: Deciding where it is you want your anger to take you. Arriving at that destination through a step-by-step process. Before you begin, remind yourself of the following things: I need to reason through my anger. I need to put my anger into perspective. I can’t do a thing about what has happened to provoke my anger. The situation that made me angry should be rectified. I need to find other ways to express my anger. Step 1: Decide how you want to feel after you get angry How you use anger is a choice. If you choose to use anger constructively you’ll generally expect that, after you finish expressing your anger, you will: Have a better understanding of the person with whom you had the angry exchange. Feel better about that other person. Feel closer to resolving issues between you and the other person. Realize that things were never as bad as you initially thought they were when you first became angry. Feel that both parties came away feeling like something good happened. Have less conflict in the future. On the other hand, if you choose to use your anger destructively, you should expect the opposite outcomes — more conflict in the future, more tension between you and the other person, and so on. Step 2: Acknowledge your anger A simple statement will suffice. What you want to do is give a heads-up to the other party in the conversation, letting them know that emotions are in play here and that the emotion you’re feeling is anger. It’s not enough just to acknowledge to yourself that you’re angry — you have to articulate that feeling to the person you’re angry with. Step 3: Focus your anger on the problem, not the person Focus on the issue that triggered your anger, not the person on the other side of that issue. When you begin to personalize anger, your anger will invariably turn vengeful. Step 4: Identify the source of the anger This step is an easy one. Why? Because the source of all your anger is you! All your emotions are a reflection of yourself. Right away, as you internalize the source of your anger, you begin to feel more in control of your anger. Now, the question is: Do you alter your expectations of that other person or do you clarify for them what those expectations are and what will happen if your expectations aren’t met? Step 5: Accept that the problem that made you angry can be solved Fixing problems is much easier than fixing people. What you have is a problem situation. Try to remain optimistic. Be open-minded. Don’t be afraid to try new solutions when the old ones don’t work. If you can’t think of any new possible solutions, talk to someone else about it and see what that person suggests. After you come up with a new strategy, use it the next time you’re in this situation. Step 6: Try to see things from the other person’s perspective Anger is so subjective that it’s hard to see past it, to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. But seeing the situation from the other person’s perspective is one of the most essential steps in using anger constructively. The easiest way to understand why the other person thinks, feels, or acts the way she does is to invite their input. If you don’t give the other person an opportunity to tell you where she’s coming from, you’re left to speculate — and odds are, you’ll guess incorrectly. Step 7: Co-op the other party Enlist the cooperation of the person you’re angry with in resolving the problem. The minute you begin to share the responsibility of resolving an anger-producing problem, the intensity of your anger decreases. Step 8: Keep a civil tone throughout What you say in anger isn’t what causes problems — it’s the tone in which you say it. If you can keep a civil tone to your conversation, you’ll find that actively listening to the person with whom you’re angry is easier — it’s also easier to get your message across to that person. Lowering your tone will in turn cause him to lower his. Step 9: Avoid disrespectful behavior Clearly, there are some things — gestures, behaviors — you need to avoid if you’re going to use anger constructively. Step 10: Don’t be afraid to take a timeout if you start to feel angry and resume the discussion later Don’t be afraid to say to the other person, “I think we’ve gone as far as we can with this issue right now, but I really think we should continue our discussion at a later date. Do you agree?” Some issues take longer to solve than others. This strategy only works if you actually do resume the discussion later. Otherwise, all your constructive efforts were in vain! Step 11: Make it a two-way conversation When it comes to addressing your anger in a constructive way, you have to let the other person have a turn, too. Vengeful anger and simply “letting off steam” don’t involve the other party except as the object of your wrath. You’re trying to do something different in this case. Step 12: Acknowledge that you’ve made progress Old bad habits like vengeful anger die hard. So, if you’re trying to begin using anger more constructively, it’s important to acknowledge when progress is being made anywhere along the way. Then ask the other person if they agree that progress has been made. You hope, of course, that they say yes. But if they don’t, that’s okay. Maybe they’ll change their mind in the future. (Most important, don’t get mad just because they don’t agree with you!)

Cheat Sheet / Updated 12-28-2021

For most people, anger creates physical sensations that tempt them to explode. But before you open your mouth, take a look at ten ways to cool down. Then see how to express yourself more effectively with assertiveness. Learn about anger’s dos and don’ts, and you’ll save yourself a lot of grief. Finally, check out some tips for managing work conflicts.

Article / Updated 07-01-2021

Knowing your anger triggers — the events and situations that make you mad — is important because you'll respond more effectively to your anger when you feel prepared for it. Anticipating the possibility of anger increases your ability to express it more constructively. Here are some common anger triggers. Being treated unfairly Many people feel annoyed, irritated, or even enraged whenever something unfair happens to them. Unfortunately, unfair events occur to everyone and even fairly often. Here are a few common examples: Someone cuts in front of you at the movie theater line. A teacher gives you what clearly seems to be an unfair grade. Your boss gives you an inaccurate evaluation at work. A policeman gives you a ticket when you know you weren't speeding. No matter what response you have to unfairness, what matters is whether your reaction is mild, productive, or out of proportion to what happened. Responding to time pressure and frustrations Today's world is a busy place. People feel pressure to multitask and constantly increase their work output. But things inevitably get in the way of making progress. Examples of such interruptions include Leaving a bit late to work and running into a huge traffic snarl. Running late for a plane and getting selected for extra screening by ­security. Having family members or friends constantly text you while you're working. Having a contractor for your house project fail to show when you had set the whole morning aside to wait. Being placed on hold for 45 minutes and then having your call suddenly disconnected. Are events like these frustrating? You bet. However, they happen to everyone, and they happen no matter what you do to prevent them. You may be able to set limits in a useful way for some types of interruptions. For example, you may be able to tell family members you need to have them stop texting you at work. However, numerous delays and frustrations inevitably happen. Allowing anger to run out of control won't help; instead, it will merely flood you with unnecessary stress. Experiencing dishonesty or disappointment When people let you down, whether they renege on a promise or simply lie, it's pretty common to feel annoyed, upset, or angry. And most people encounter these events off and on throughout their lives. For example: Your partner or spouse cheats on you. Your boss fails to promote you or give you a raise as promised. A close friend forgets your birthday. A friend fails to help with moving as she said she would. A coworker makes up a lie to get out of work one day. Your kid tells a lie about hitting his brother. Of course, it's normal to feel irritated or even angry about all these triggers. However, you should try to figure out which types of events happen to you the most often and, more importantly, cause you the most anger. Encountering threats to self-esteem People like to feel reasonably good about themselves. Even people who have low self-esteem usually don't like to experience put-downs and criticism. Some people react to self-esteem threats with sadness and/or self-loathing, whereas others respond with anger. These threats can be either realistic and deserved or quite unfair. A few examples of self-esteem threats include Receiving a bad grade or evaluation Getting insulted or disrespected Making a mistake in front of other people Spilling wine on your neighbor's carpet Getting rejected Not getting picked for the sports team Losing an election Running into prejudice and discrimination A few special historic figures, such as Gandhi and Nelson Mandela, have channeled their anger and rage into remarkable, world-changing movements. Most people who face discrimination and prejudice feel powerless and unable to change their world. They respond with irritation, anger, rage, or even despair. The nature of discrimination or prejudice can be subtle or blatant. Here are the most common themes of unfair treatment: Racial or ethnic differences Sexism Sexual orientation Nationalism Classism Disability Religious beliefs Appearance (such as height and obesity) You probably realize that this list of common prejudices could be endless. Some people even prejudge others based on the TV news shows they choose to watch. Anger can be triggered either by being intolerant or prejudiced or being the victim of intolerance or prejudice. Getting attacked Violence permeates the world. Being the victim of violence or abuse naturally creates anger, although some people respond with anxiety and/or depression. Chronic abuse changes victims into abusers in some cases. Abuse takes many forms and ranges from subtle to blatant. The following are broad categories of abuse or attack: Partnership or domestic violence Partnership or domestic verbal abuse Child abuse Assault and battery Rape or sexual abuse War trauma Verbal intimidation Genocide Random violence and accidents Like prejudice and discrimination, you may be the perpetrator or the victim, either one of which may involve substantial anger. Look into your heart to determine whether you've been an abuser, a victim, or both.

Article / Updated 06-28-2021

Anger, just like anything else, isn't all good or bad: It has pros and cons. The following sections explain those for you so that you get a clear picture of anger and the effect it may have on your life. Looking at the positives of anger Anger can be a highly distressing emotion that results in all kinds of negative consequences. Yet, among the other possible stress emotions (upset, depression, grief, anxiety, and so on), anger remains the most popular and the most common. And not without reason. Anger has some appeal: Anger is activating and mobilizing. When you're angry, you feel as if you're doing something about what's triggering your stress. You feel there is a response you can make, a way of expending energy toward resolving the distressing situation. It can get you to take action and do something about the problem. Anger makes you feel powerful. Anger can make you feel like you're in charge, even when you aren't. When you tell someone off or give them a tongue-lashing, you feel stronger and in control. Anger enables you to express yourself in a forceful way. Anger often gets results. By becoming angry, as opposed to remaining calm and pleasant, you may get what you want. Many people are intimidated by anger and are more obliging when confronted with it than they normally would be. Anger is often a respected response. We often interpret anger as standing up for ourselves and not letting others take advantage of us. And other people may see it the same way. Our anger may be labeled as assertive, strong, and confident. Examining the downside of anger Although your anger does have its upside, the downside of anger far outweighs any positive benefits. Besides being emotionally distressing and making you a prime candidate for a black eye, your anger can give you other things to worry about. Anger can make you sick When you're angry, your body reacts much the same way it does when you are experiencing any other stress reaction. Your anger triggers your body to take a defensive stance, readying yourself for any danger that may come your way. When your anger is intense and frequent, the physiological effects can be harmful. Your health is at risk, and any or all of those nasty stress-related illnesses and disorders can become linked to excessive anger. Anger can break your heart Recent research now indicates that your heart (or more accurately, your cardiovascular system) is particularly vulnerable to your anger and its negative effects. In his book, Anger Kills, published by Harper Perennial, Duke University researcher Redford Williams describes a number of possible ways hostility can negatively affect your cardiovascular system. Following are a few of the study findings: When potentially hostile individuals were angry, they had larger than normal increases in the flow of blood to their muscles (suggesting an exaggerated fight-or-flight response). They also experienced an increase in their levels of important stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol, which can have negative effects on the cardiovascular system as well. Potentially hostile individuals with higher levels of blood cholesterol were found to secrete more adrenaline than those individuals with lower levels of cholesterol. For these individuals, the linkage between higher adrenaline secretions and higher cholesterol levels means they have a greater likelihood of arteriosclerotic plaque buildup. People who scored high on measures of hostility tend to have fewer friends. This lack of strong friendships means a weakened social support system. Being able to talk to someone about what's stressing you can lower your blood pressure — and having no one to talk to certainly doesn't do anything to help you. Research has shown that socially isolated individuals excreted higher levels of stress hormones in their urine than those who had strong support systems. Hostile individuals typically don't take good care of themselves. They tend to engage in a number of destructive health behaviors, including smoking, drinking, and overeating. All of these behaviors can have negative effects on the cardiovascular system. Understanding when and why anger is appropriate Does this mean that all of your anger is inappropriate or destructive? No, not at all. In fact, in measured doses and expressed in the right way, anger can be appropriate and effective, helping you to take action, solve problems, or in some way better deal with the situation at hand. Anger clearly has a place in your emotional repertoire. However, a big difference exists between feeling annoyed or somewhat angry for a brief period and having strong feelings of anger that simmer for hours. When it is intense and prolonged, anger can result in incredible amounts of stress and damage to your overall well-being. Understanding how you create your anger and knowing how to reduce that anger are the keys to anger control.

Article / Updated 06-28-2021

Here are ten techniques for cooling down situations that threaten to ignite when you don't want them to. In all but the rarest of cases, you'll feel better and come up with more effective solutions when you contain conflict rather than give anger a free rein. Listening deeply When people attack, your best defusing strategy is to listen. Really listen. Give the angry person some time to completely express his frustration. The ideal way to show that you're listening is to paraphrase what's been said. Tell the person how you heard what he said. If they agree you got it right, you can move on. If not, ask them to restate what was said so you can better understand their intent. Controlling pace, space, and breath Arguing in parking lots and other open spaces merely increase the chances of escalation. You can bring those risks down by moving to another, more contained space, such as a nearby coffee shop or the inside of a store. Locations such as these usually inhibit people from getting physically or verbally abusive. Here are a few more ideas for containing a potentially explosive interaction: Suggest that the two of you sit down. Notice where the exit doors are located just in case. Try to maintain a distance of about two arms' length away from each other. Control the speed of your speech. Asking for clarification Many arguments occur when two people simply fail to understand what each other is trying to say. Rather than assume you know what the argument is about, why not be sure by asking for clarification? You can restate what you think is going on, but say that you want to be sure that you have it right. Ask about or query the other person regarding any part of your communication (or the other person's) that you think may remain unclear. Ask for more information. That's right; ask for more about what's upsetting the person. Rather than get defensive, query about additional concerns by asking questions. Don't worry; you'll have your chance to present your side after things calm down. When you rush into presenting your case, you increase the likelihood of escalation. Take your time. Sometimes angry people switch gears rapidly from ranting and yelling to stony silence. If that happens, don't insist on more information right then. Suggest another time to talk. Speaking softly Have you ever listened to the voice volumes of people while they're arguing? You probably can't think of many times when arguments proceeded at a soft volume. A soft, patient voice tone and volume keep emotions in check. It's basically as simple as that — pay close attention to your voice volume when an argument threatens to break out. If someone you're speaking with uses a high volume, it's okay to say, "You know, it really helps me understand you better if you speak a little more softly. Would that be all right with you?" Connecting When you feel disconnected from people, it's far easier to feel angry with them. On the other hand, even a small bit of connection can dampen hostile feelings. You can start by asking angry people what their names are. Then use the names a number of times during your encounters. Another way of connecting is to offer something edible (a muffin, a mint, whatever) or something to drink like tea or coffee or even water. When you offer people something, they typically feel a desire to reciprocate in some way; at the very least, they'll be less likely to explode. It's kind of hard to yell if you have something in your mouth! Dropping defensiveness: verbally and nonverbally Defensiveness communicates an intense need to guard against criticism or other hostilities — whether real or imagined. Defensiveness increases, rather than decreases, the chances that someone may attack you verbally or physically. That's because defensiveness is a weak response, whereas non-defensiveness communicates strength and confidence. Facial expressions, body language, posture, and what you say all can increase or decrease defensiveness. Finding agreement where you can No matter how obnoxious or outrageous a person's viewpoint may be, you can almost always find a sliver of agreement. Express partial agreement with phrases such as the following: "I can see how you might look at it that way." "Sometimes that's probably true" (even if you don't think it is at the moment). "You may have a point" (even if you doubt it, it's always possible). Expressing understanding When dealing with an angry person, show that you understand by empathizing with the other person. Be careful to avoid saying you know exactly what the other person is feeling. Obviously, you don't for sure. You can empathetically toss out a possibility but allow the person to disagree. Developing distractions Distraction involves abruptly changing the subject or focus of attention onto something else that's unrelated to the conflict at hand. Most disagreements don't call for distraction. For example, if someone argues about getting short-changed, you wouldn't want to change the subject. Considering a timeout Sometimes a resolution will elude you. The argument goes round and round and fails to progress. You see no solution in sight. When that happens, it's time to stop. Don't get caught up in feeling you must come to a resolution immediately. If things aren't getting anywhere or if you feel unsafe, it's best to terminate the conversation and get out. Not all situations are resolvable. Do try again if you feel there's a reasonable chance of success but not if it looks impossible. You can use the excuse of needing to use the restroom to slow things down or even escape a difficult or dangerous situation. Most people can't get themselves to refuse a request to use the restroom. Just declare that you're going there. If need be, call for help.

Article / Updated 06-27-2021

Everyone gets angry — yes, even those people who seem impossibly zen at all times. After all, anger is one of those universal emotions — along with sadness, joy, and fear — that people throughout the world recognize when they see or hear it. But everyone experiences and expresses anger a little differently. Following, are descriptions of the many ways people show their anger or, alternatively, hold it in. Understanding your strategies for anger expression can be helpful before you work on changing how you show your anger. Keeping your cool Yes, keeping your cool can be one way of expressing anger. Keeping cool means that you don't respond impulsively. You may take a slow, deep breath or two before saying anything. Then you directly express your feelings while trying to solve the issue or problem. Verbal bashing Verbal bashing includes yelling, arguing, put-downs, and threats. Hurting people with words sometimes works at the moment, but it usually leaves a trail of resentment, anger, and bad feelings. For example, parents who frequently yell at their kids sometimes get momentary compliance but usually end up with rebellious, resentful kids in the long run. Not the best tactic if you're trying to cultivate a happy home. Nonverbal bashing Yes, you can clobber people without saying a word. Examples of nonverbal bashing include unfriendly gestures, such as pointing, clenched fists, and "flipping the bird." Facial expressions of anger include dismissiveness, hostility, and contempt (through sneers, prolonged angry stares, and snarls). You know a dirty look when you see one! Purposely ignoring and not speaking when spoken to also convey anger and hostility. Body language includes aggressive, puffed-up poses. Suppressing anger People who suppress anger feel mad but work hard to hold it in. Usually, close friends and family members pick up on the anger that these people feel. However, some folks are masters at suppression, and no one truly knows how much hostility they hold inside. Unfortunately, this type of anger often comes with common physical costs, such as high blood pressure, digestive problems, and heart disease. Chronic tension, unhappiness, fatigue, and distress frequently occur as well. Therefore, suppressing anger doesn't constitute a good anger-management strategy. Passive-aggressive anger People who express their anger in a passive-aggressive manner try to find "safe" ways of showing their anger. They like for their behaviors to have plausible deniability of their actual angry feelings. In other words, they make excuses and claim that their motives were excusable. Examples of passive-aggressive behaviors include: Chronic procrastination of promised tasks to get back at someone Chronic lateness Subtle sulking or pouting Purposely performing a task for someone poorly Purposely forgetting over and over to do a promised task Indirect verbal expressions such as subtle sarcasm When confronted, passive-aggressive people always have an excuse in hand and inevitably deny that they feel any anger at all. People living with passive-aggressive partners get pretty tired after 500,000 instances of "I'm sorry," and/or "I forgot." Complaining and gossiping This strategy, like passive-aggressiveness, generally feels safer than directly confronting someone with anger. Complainers and gossipers find sympathetic listeners that will hear their frustrations, woes, and anger about someone else. That way, they avoid actually confronting the person they're angry with. And, not surprisingly, little gets resolved in the process. Physical aggression Slamming doors, punching holes in walls, and throwing dishes all fall under the category of physical aggression against objects. This type of aggression can feel very intimidating to those who witness it. Furthermore, these behaviors sometimes precede physical aggression against persons. Assaults can take the form of pushing or shoving, punching, and slapping, and they can even include the use of weapons. Obviously, physical aggression is almost always abusive to both recipients and witnesses. Physical aggression with anger is only adaptive when you're actually under attack from someone else, and it's necessary for your own survival. Physical aggression doesn't lead to solutions. Displaced anger Sometimes people feel great anger toward someone. However, because of differences in power or fear, they don't feel safe in expressing their anger. Unfortunately, these people may take their anger out on innocent victims, such as a spouse, children, pets, or friends. This type of anger is known as displaced anger.

Article / Updated 06-16-2021

Anger specialists have described the difference between what’s known as state and trait anger. Trait anger refers to a chronic, long-standing personality characteristic that shows up as an almost constant tendency to become angry at the slightest provocation. State anger refers to temporary, short-lasting outbursts of anger. People with high trait anger have very low boiling points. People with high trait anger run into lots of interpersonal conflicts, problems at work, and health problems. Episodes of state anger are considered appropriate in many situations and often call for problem solving. The appearance of occasional state anger responses is a normal part of life unless the intensity, frequency, and duration are way out of proportion to the triggering event. The relationship of state and trait anger is much like the connection between weather and climate. Climate and trait anger both represent long-standing patterns, such as the climate in Alaska tends to be rather cold. State anger is like weather, which can change quickly from one day to another. Thus, in New Mexico, the climate is quite dry, but major thunderstorms can pop up from time to time, causing floods and mayhem. Those occasional storms don’t mean that the climate has changed in the state.

Article / Updated 06-16-2021

You can get what you want in life through appropriate behavior or attempt to do so with anger, aggression and obnoxious behavior. You’ll get more cooperation and succeed more often with the former approach. Here’s a list of a few anger do’s and don’ts to help you see the difference. Do be competitive. All successful people are competitive. The trick is to know when and how. Don’t be confrontational. You won’t accomplish everything you want in life with a hostile, in-your-face attitude. People typically avoid confrontation, so they end up avoiding you. Do be forceful in pursing goals. Passion and drive fuel success. It’s not enough to wish for success; you have to work hard to get there. Don’t be too intense. Don’t overpower those around you. It’s exhausting — for you and for them. Do be persistent in getting what you want out of life. When you start something, stick with it. Don’t allow anger to distract you from your objective or cause you to give up prematurely. Don’t be impatient. Give people a chance to work with you on solving a problem. Let time be your ally, not your enemy. Never be afraid to step away from a challenge to achieve a better perspective. Do be direct in your communication. Let people know how you feel about things — big and little. Don’t leave it up to them to figure out whether you’re angry and why. And don’t say you’re fine when you’re not. Don’t be demanding. People cooperate and get less defensive if you ask them to do something instead of ordering them around. Do be a determined person. That means having resolve and being unwavering in what you say and do. Determination is a trait people admire. Don’t be domineering. Don’t beat others over the head with your opinions and ideas. Don’t always think you have to have the last word. Stop interrupting and try being more of an active listener.

Article / Updated 06-15-2021

Most anger-management treatment programs don't address the issue of medications. In part, that's probably because medications aren't actually a way of managing your anger. And studies on the effectiveness of medications for anger have been somewhat inconsistent. However, you should know that medications may be an option for some people, especially when other emotional disorders, such as depression or anxiety, accompany their anger. Or, when violence is part of the picture, medications may play a role in treatment. Some of the major classes of medications prescribed for people with anger problems include the following: Atypical antipsychotics: These are powerful drugs that tend to sedate patients. They can have serious side effects, such as problems with glucose metabolism, which increases risks of diabetes. Antipsychotics: These are older versions of atypical antipsychotics. They're used when patients lose touch with reality — as happens with hallucinations, delusions, or paranoia. This class of medications has extremely serious side effects, including abnormal, irregular muscle movements; spasms; a shuffling gait; and intense feelings of restlessness. Antidepressants: This class of medications is especially effective for the times that depression and anger coexist. Many of these medications also have significant side effects, such as weight gain, nausea, and fatigue. Antiseizure medications: These medications sometimes help reduce major mood swings and uncontrolled emotional outbursts. Side effects can include fatigue, nausea, and confusion among others. Beta blockers: These medications are usually used to treat high blood pressure. However, they can be helpful in decreasing the physical components of anger because they block the action of norepinephrine, which accompanies anger outbursts. Side effects are usually less than those of the preceding medications but can include fatigue and feeling light-headed. Anti-anxiety medications, such as the benzodiazepines, are sometimes used to treat anger problems. However, they can cause disinhibition, which angry people often have in short supply. Furthermore, they can easily cause ­dependency (requiring increasing dosages over time) and addiction. Medications for anger problems should be obtained by experts in prescribing psychotropic medications. Not all primary care physicians feel comfortable in prescribing medications for this purpose. Consider seeing a healthcare provider that specializes in prescribing medication for anger.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

If you choose to use anger constructively, you'll join the ranks of some pretty notable folks — George Washington, Martin Luther King, Jr., Jesus Christ, Gandhi, and Mother Teresa, to name a few. These are just a few people who admittedly were angry — about poverty, racial injustice, occupation of their countries by foreign powers — but who channeled their anger into constructive action that changed the world for the better. Here are just a few reasons why you should consider making anger your ally in constructing a new healthier, happier, and more productive life. Anger is a built-in resource We're born with a capacity for anger. Mothers recognize anger in newborns as early as 3 months of age. Anger isn't something that has to be learned or earned, like money or friendship. It's yours to experience as the need arises. Think of it as your birthright. Ask yourself: Do I want to use this inner resource to reconstruct my life? Anger is invigorating The e in emotion stands for "energy." Anger produces an instantaneous surge of adrenaline, which causes your pupils to dilate, your heart to race, your blood pressure to elevate, and your breathing to accelerate. If you're really angry, even the hairs on the back of your neck stand up! Your liver responds by releasing sugar, and blood shifts from your internal organs to your skeletal muscles, causing a generalized state of tension. You're energized and ready for action. Remember, though, that emotions are short lived — they come and go. So, it's imperative that you strike while the iron is (literally) hot and use the angry energy to your benefit before it evaporates. Ask yourself: Do I want to quit wasting energy on unproductive anger? Anger serves as a catalyst for new behavior The motion part of emotion has to do with motivating behavior. If you're like me, there are things you want to change in your life. But you're afraid, right? You're uncertain about what will happen if you let go of the status quo and move your life in some new direction — maybe a new relationship, a new career, a new city, or a new, healthier lifestyle (joining a gym, starting a diet, giving up alcohol). So, you do nothing — that is, until you get mad enough about the way things are that you spring into action. Ask yourself: How can I renew my life through constructive anger? Anger communicates Anger tells the world just how miserable you are — how unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied, unexcited, and unloved you feel. Anger speaks the unspeakable! Think about the last time you verbally expressed anger. Do you remember what you said? Was it something like, "Get off my back," "You don't care about me," "I'm tired of living hand to mouth," or "I give, give, give, and I get nothing in return." I'm sure others heard what you said, but did you? Did you listen to your anger — listen to what it's telling you about what's wrong with your life and what you need to do to begin correcting it. The most helpful emotional dialogue you have is the one you have with yourself. Ask yourself: What is my anger telling me about me? Anger protects you from harm Anger is a vital part of that built-in "fight-or-flight" response that helps you adapt to and survive life's challenges. Anger is the fight component — the part that moves you to take offensive measures to defend yourself against actual or perceived threats. Do you ever get angry enough to stand up for your rights? Do you ever use anger to set limits on other people's rude or inconsiderate behavior? Do you ever get angry and say to someone, "Hey, that's uncalled for!", "Just stop right there — I'm not going to sit here and subject myself any longer to this abuse," or "You may bully other people in this office, but you're not going to bully me." I hope so, because, otherwise, you may be well on your way to becoming a victim! Ask yourself: How can I use my anger to defend myself in a positive way? Anger is an antidote to impotence Impotence — lacking in power and ability — feels lousy. Impotence reaches way beyond the sexual kind. You can be impotent in how you deal with the world around you — your relationships, your job, your finances, your health, your weight, the loss of loved ones, and so on. You feel weak and inadequate, not up to the task at hand. Then you get angry — and suddenly you're infused with a sense of empowerment, a feeling of strength, confidence, and competence. You're standing straight up to the frustrations and conflicts you've been avoiding. Anger is a can-do emotion: "I can fix this problem," "I can make a difference here," "I can be successful if I try." Pay attention to your posture the next time you feel down, dejected, and impotent about some important thing in your life. Then notice how your posture changes when you get fired up and begin to take charge of the situation. You'll be amazed at the difference. Ask yourself: How often do I succumb to impotent anger?