Darlene Lancer

If you wonder whether you may be codependent, you’re not alone. Different types of people may behave in a codependent manner, and codependence manifests in varying degrees of severity. Not all codependents are unhappy, but others live in pain or quiet desperation.Codependency is not something you heal from and are forever done with, but you can enjoy yourself, your life, and your relationships.

When it comes to addiction and codependency, denial isn’t healthy; in fact, it can be dangerous. By not facing the problem, you deprive yourself of learning constructive measures that can improve and potentially save your life and those of others. Codependents have multiple types of denial. Four are explored here.

Because there isn’t one definition of codependency, there isn’t one test you can take. The following are two assessments used to identify people with codependency. The questions require a “yes” or “no” answer.This first was developed by Ron and Pat Potter‐Efron. They consider a person to have codependency if they have or had an involvement with an alcoholic, chemically dependent, or other long‐term, highly stressful family environment, including long-term illness that can be physical or mental health‐related.

Here are ten daily reminders — five do’s and five don’ts — to help you heal from codependency. Write them in your journal and check yourself each day. This will help you remember and speed your recovery. Do focus on yourself Remember that focusing on others is the hallmark of codependency. It’s easy to slip back and become preoccupied with thinking about those you love — worrying about their problems or wondering what they’re thinking or what they said, did, or didn’t do.

Codependents’ shame and low self-esteem result in problems with boundaries and dysfunctional communication. Self-esteem, clear boundaries, and the ability to be assertive are essential to healthy communication. They are the foundation for avoiding fights and handling conflict.Unresolved or escalating conflicts are the norm among codependent couples, who probably didn’t have good role models for expressing anger and handling conflict.

Acceptance is a process. It doesn’t happen in a day, a week, or a month but takes effort and proceeds in baby steps and missteps. Change starts with awareness. Notice whether your behavior and thoughts achieve the results you want. Next, practice nonattachment. Acceptance isn’t approval Acceptance is an acknowledgement of what is.

Codependent attachment is excessive. Instead of two people with separate minds and independent feelings, the boundaries between you and (call him or her “X”) are blurred. You can spot it when Your moods depend on X. You can’t be happy if X isn’t. You have strong emotional reactions to X’s opinions, thoughts, feelings, and judgments.

If you’re wondering if you’re codependent, take a look at the following list of symptoms. You don’t have to have all of them to be codependent, and there are degrees of severity of codependence. If untreated, codependency gets worse over time, but with help you can recover and be much more effective in your work and relationships.

If you think you may be codependent, you need help to change your behavior. Here are some sources of help for those suffering from codependency: Read all you can about codependency (but reading alone is insufficient to change). Go to a Twelve Step meeting for codependents, such as Codependents Anonymous, called CoDA, or Al-Anon for family members of alcoholics.