Happiness Articles

Article / Updated 07-05-2023

Happiness is about those great unforgettable moments in life. So, if you were asked to identify the ten best moments of your life, could you do it? If it’s difficult for you, is that because you haven’t had that many “best moments” or because it’s been so long since you had one that you can’t remember? Are you just too busy trying to survive the modern-day rat race? When a small group of family and friends were asked about the best moments in their lives — when they were experiencing pleasure that comes from flow — this is what they had to say: “I’m a photographer and I got a call telling me some work I had submitted to a major museum had been accepted for display. When I went there and personally handed off my work to them, it was a moment of great satisfaction.” “I love to sew. That’s how I make my living — making women’s purses. It’s such a creative time for me. Time flies by. I don’t eat. I’m just into what I’m doing. The end result is what is so satisfying — each purse is unique.” “I’m happy when I’m working in my garden — things are growing, blooming, and everything looks nice. It also makes me happy when I give away my plants — so that someone else can enjoy them like I do.” “I love to go through old magazines that have stacked up over time. I can spend a whole day, sitting on the floor in my pajamas, leafing through hundreds of magazines, clipping out stories and coupons — all the while, as content as I can be.” What do all of these “best moments” have in common? The moments involve activities and experiences that people want to have in their lives, rather than ones they feel they have to have. You don’t spend your day culling through old magazines because it’s one of those chores you need to check off the “have to” list — you choose to do it because it makes you happy. Maybe the thought of culling through old magazines sounds about as awful to you as any chore you can think of. The key is that, for that person, it’s an activity she loves. The moments require your full attention. Getting into flow is a mindful thing. You have to be fully immersed in the moment. It’s an all-or-nothing experience. The moments involve activities that are challenging and creative. Forget the routine stuff like cleaning the house, washing clothes, and most of the mindless things you do at work. The moments provide an immediate sense of reward. It’s the pleasure of the moment that makes it special. It’s not about delayed gratification, although some of that can be a good thing too. The moments involve doing something. Flow comes from utilizing skills — musical, mechanical, culinary — that you’ve developed throughout your life. The more highly skilled you are, the easier it is to get into flow. The moments can occur anywhere — a tennis court, under the hood of a truck, or in your kitchen. The moments come from knowing yourself. Flow isn’t about losing yourself, escaping — it’s about finding yourself, your true or authentic self, your happy self. That’s why each person has a different “best moment.” What’s important is not what types of activities provide flow for these people, but rather which activities in your life can serve in that regard. Take a sheet of paper and across the top write each of the following common elements of flow: Activities I Want to Do Activities I Can Become Absorbed In Activities I Find Challenging and Creative Activities That Provide an Immediate Feeling of Gratification Now, in the left-hand margin, list activities you engage in at work and in your non-work life (leisure and relationship activities) that you think might possibly create flow. If you’re a teacher who loves what she does, you could list, “preparing lesson plans.” Put a checkmark next to each of those activities indicating which, if any, of the flow criteria apply. Those activities that fit three or more of the criteria listed on top are ones that you should do more often if you want to experience the happiness that comes from flow.

Article / Updated 06-06-2023

Your emotions, including your happiness, are affected by the world you live in — your physical and social surroundings. If you’re in sync with that world, you have a much better chance of achieving happiness. Where do you stand when it comes to being in sync with your surroundings? Would you describe your relationship with the world around you as a tight fit, a loose fit, or no fit at all? It’s not essential that you be in sync with all aspects of your everyday surroundings — place, people, activities, motivation — in order to experience happiness. But, obviously, the more in sync you are, the happier you’ll be. Happiness is a sign that you’re in the right place Physical surroundings are more important than most people realize. The notion that a person can be happy anywhere if he wants to simply isn’t true. Place matters. Consider things such as: The country you live in The region you live in (if you live in the United States, this includes the South, the Midwest, the East Coast, the Pacific Northwest, and so on) The climate The size of the community The architecture The terrain (for example, mountains, beaches, desert) The amount of sunlight you’re exposed to How close you are to your neighbors The type of housing you have (for example, apartment, house, cottage, loft) How much noise there is How “green” the surroundings are (for example, a concrete jungle or a place with lots of trees and parks) Think about where you currently live. Now, ask yourself whether you’re living in a place where you can be happy. If the answer is yes, then you know that your environment is not the root of your unhappiness. If the answer is no, it might be. If that’s the case, you may consider a “geographic cure." Happiness is a sign that you’re with the right people Happiness is also a by-product of the social world in which you live — the people who surround you. Do you need to live close to family in order to be happy? Do you need to live around people your own age? Are you around enough people day in and day out? Are these people supportive? Do the people you spend most of your time with share your interests — cycling, sports, the arts? Are you in sync intellectually with those around you? Are you a single person in a world where everyone you know seems to be married? The answers to these questions may have a lot to do with how happy you are. Think about the people who are around you — your neighbors, co-workers, family, and friends. Are you living around people who make you happy? If so, then you know for sure that people aren’t the reason you’re unhappy. If not, try making some new friends or looking for happiness outside of work or your neighborhood. There’s no law that says you can’t move back closer to your family. Happiness is a sign that you’re doing the right thing Another part of your surroundings has to do with the activities you engage in every day. These include domestic activities, employment activities, and community activities. Think about how you spend your time throughout the course of a week. Generally speaking, are you active enough? Do you find what you do at work meaningful or are you just in it for the paycheck? If you have children, how involved are you in raising them? Do you provide any type of community service? For example, building houses with Habitat for Humanity, helping out in a soup kitchen, or working as a volunteer for the Salvation Army? Do you do things on a regular basis to help your neighbors? Or do you spend the majority of your time sitting at home, watching television, and heading to the kitchen every 30 minutes for another beer or bag of chips? Ask yourself whether you’re doing things that make you happy. If you answered yes, then it’s a no-brainer: Keep doing those things. If you answered no, try out some new activities. Happiness is a sign that you’re doing things for the right reasons In order to be happy, you not only have to be doing the right things, in the right place, with the right people — you also have to have the right motives. If the only reason you play golf with friends from work is so you can show them that your game is superior to theirs, then you’ll probably win, but winning won’t make you happy. Look at what you’re doing — all the activities of your life (from work to fun and everything in between) — and ask yourself, “Why?” Are you doing things with and for other people for the right reasons? If you answered yes, there’s nothing to change. And if you answered no, you need to come up with another reason for doing the same thing.

Cheat Sheet / Updated 03-21-2022

Happiness is an important part of life — no less than anger, sadness, and fear. But how do you know if you're happy? Are you as happy as most people? If you have lots of money or a fancy title at work, shouldn't that be enough to make you happy? Discover how balancing your life is one way to achieve overall happiness.

Article / Updated 12-29-2021

Only in recent years have psychologists begun to appreciate the benefits of happiness and positive emotion — benefits that include everything from enhanced creativity to improved immune-system function. Barbara Fredrickson at the University of North Carolina, a leader in the field of positive psychology, posed the question, “What good are positive emotions?” and came up with the following possibilities. Happiness broadens your focus and expands your thinking Positive emotions — curiosity, love, joy, contentment, wonder, excitement — expand your focus of attention. When you’re angry, your focus narrows to the source of your frustration and the object of your wrath. Your mind is like a heat-seeking missile, bent on destruction. Contrast this with what happens when you get excited about something — your mind opens up and there’s a free flow of ideas and intellectual possibility. Curiosity abounds. This is precisely why passion is so essential to artistic endeavors. This is also why you need a high positivity ratio in the workplace if you want a high rate of productivity and a healthy bottom line. Psychologist Jon Kabat-Zinn at the University of Massachusetts Medical School teaches his patients the art of mindfulness meditation as a means of expanding their awareness of those things they fear most, for example, chronic pain, and depression. He has patients relax their bodies while at the same time opening up their minds. The irony here is that the more clearly you think about your pain, the less it distresses you. When Kabat-Zinn and others studied the brain activity that accompanies this type of meditation, they found that it was the left frontal lobe of the brain that was literally turned on — the part that scientists refer to as the “happy brain.” Happiness improves your ability to problem-solve When you’re frustrated and you’re having trouble solving some problem that confronts you, what you need is a good laugh. Laughter unfreezes a “stuck” brain. Think of humor as a lubricant that allows the wheels — your thought processes — to once again move toward a solution. The mechanism that underlies effective problem-solving is creativity, which is your brain’s ability to come up with novel, unique answers to life’s many challenges. Happiness builds physical, intellectual, and social resources Positive emotions build the following resources: Physical resources: People are more playful when they’re happy — they’re interested in golf, tennis, marathon running, scuba-diving, and water-skiing. Happy people are more likely to exercise on a regular basis. Part of this comes from the higher self-esteem seen in happy people. In short, happiness translates into physical fitness — stronger muscles, improved heart-lung function, and increased flexibility. Intellectual resources: People learn better when they’re in a positive frame of mind. The most effective school teachers are the ones who find ways to make education enjoyable — laughter makes kids pay attention, and attention is the key to learning. The same is true when you go to a continuing education experience; you want a speaker who is not only knowledgeable about their subject matter, but who can be entertaining. Social resources: Human beings gravitate toward positive people and away from negative ones. Think about the biblical prescription, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and decide how you want to be treated. If you want to be treated badly, then by all means act badly toward others. However, if you want people to smile at you, you need to greet them with cheer. More often than not, this is what you’ll get in return. Happiness counteracts negative emotions Happiness is one antidote to rage. Optimism can be an antidote to fear and cynicism. Joy is the opposite of misery. Humor defuses a desire for vengeance. Positive and negatives emotions can’t exist at the same moment in time. Embracing one negates the other. The next time you find yourself feeling negative — upset, angry, sad — try replacing that with a positive feeling and see what happens. Think about someone who makes you laugh, something that excites you, some activity that pleases you — it may provide just the escape you need from those negative emotions. Happiness protects your health You probably already know that getting upset or angry can raise your blood pressure and, in the worst-case scenario, precipitate a heart attack or stroke. But did you know that positive emotions can lower your blood pressure and risk for cardiovascular disease? Well, they can. The pioneering work of Fredrickson illustrated that when stressed people watched a film that left them feeling amused and content, that led to quicker recovery of heart function. She also noted that stressed subjects who smiled while watching a sad movie had a more rapid heart rate recovery. Her thesis is that positive emotions undo the effects of stress and, therefore, protect a person’s health. Other studies have shown that something as simple as getting a light touch on your hand from a compassionate friend or the act of petting your favorite animal can also lower your blood pressure — and, neither requires a prescription, gets you into a hassle with your insurance carrier, or has negative side-effects.

Article / Updated 12-28-2021

Some families have priorities — things that they feel are most important, things that make them happy and are crucial to family life that give the family a clearly defined sense of direction and purpose. Other families do not — they’re like tumbleweeds, blowing this way and that and getting nowhere in particular. Take the Johnson family, for example. Their home is full of books and magazines. Every evening, the parents ask their children if they have homework. At the dinner table, they talk about what’s happening in the world and even discuss serious topics, like abortion, whether kids should have sex in their teens, drug use, and whether it’s okay for people to live together before marriage. They watch TV as a family, and on Saturdays they all go to the local library and check out books. When the kids were little, the parents enrolled them in summer reading groups and took them to museums. And the parents are among the few who go to parents’ night at their children’s school. In the Johnson family, education is a priority. For the Elliott family, it’s all about game night. All three of their kids are involved in sports — Holly is on the school soccer team, Brad plays junior varsity football, and Mark is in Little League baseball. The parents attend all their games, sometimes dividing up the games between them when they occur at the same times. The family cheers for their favorite college team on the weekends as they watch the games together in the family den. The father is a member of a sports club and the mother organizes refreshments for Mark’s Little League games. This family’s number-one priority is sports. And, then there’s the Gutierrez family, whose priority is socialization. They make their home available for all of their children’s friends. There are big birthday parties for the parents as well as the kids. Last Thanksgiving, there were 25 friends and relatives for dinner, and at Christmas the house is full of people. The parents like to take vacations with other couples and families rather than just the five of them. All of these families are happy — they’re just happy about different things. Priorities provide families with: A sense of immediacy: What the family needs or wants to do first and foremost A sense of purpose: How this family wants to define itself A sense of importance: What the family believes is important A set of shared values: Values that all the family members share in common A sense of the future: Where the family’s heading in the days, weeks, months, and years to come A sense of stability: An agenda that doesn’t change from one day to the next Try this exercise to help your family set its own priorities: Find a time when the whole family can sit down together for at least an hour. Pass out sheets of paper and ask each family member to write down three priorities he or she thinks the family has or should have. Mention things like honesty, supporting each other, and health. Emphasize that this is not about your individual priorities — it’s about what you think the family should be doing as a group. Then, one by one, have each member do a “show and tell,” sharing his list and explaining why he chose the things he did. Don’t comment right away — wait until everyone has shared their list and then open the door for discussion. Are there any points of agreement — things listed by more than one family member? Are there any glaring omissions? Is there anyone in the family who seems to not want to get onboard with these priorities? If so, don’t criticize them; instead say “It’s okay if you don’t want to share your priorities with us now, but we really do want to know what you think this family should be doing more of.” Leave the door open for them to join in later. The goal is to end the hour with a firm sense of what you value as a family.

Article / Updated 06-28-2021

Psychologists believe that, to cope with life, a person must have coherence — optimism, with a sense of control; each of us needs to feel that life is generally understandable, manageable, and valuable. For most people, it's easy to find one thing in life that gives them coherence, the sense of confidence they need to embrace life with all its twists and turns. Some people discover early on how valuable education is, for example, and they spend their entire lives learning everything they can about the world around them. For others, making money is the most important thing. But there’s a problem with having only one source of coherence in your life: What if something comes along that takes that one thing away? What happens to your confidence then? The trick is to diversify — to have multiple sources of coherence in your life at all times — and to keep in mind that needs change as you age. So you should always be looking ahead to retool your sense of coherence to fit the particular demands of the next stage of life. Diversify your life to be happy Stock brokers have one word for their clients — diversify, diversify, diversify! It’s the mantra of any successful investor, and it should be the mantra for all people when it comes to developing a sense of coherence. What you need is a network of people and things in your life that collectively create a sense of confidence and satisfaction. The dictionary definition of coherence refers to various parts that stick together to form a whole. So, what are some of those possible parts? Consider the following: Engaging in intellectual pursuits, such as reading The Wall Street Journal every day or taking courses at your local community college Spending time with family Developing long-term friendships Building a career (as opposed to having a series of jobs) Fostering a spiritual faith Attending religious services Participating in civic organizations Volunteering Doing hobbies Caring for pets Working as a missionary Doing routine recreational activities such as golfing every Saturday morning with your friends Joining a book club Getting involved with your alumni association, such as tailgating at football games or doing fund-raising for your alma mater Participating in community government Working on your marriage Participating in a prayer group Getting regular exercise — jogging, walking, cycling, swimming, aerobics Meditating Attending AA meetings or other support groups Review this list and count the number of these activities that make up your day-to-day life. A healthy recipe for coherence would include at least five such activities carried out on a weekly basis. The more of these, or similar, activities you engage in on a consistent basis, the stronger your sense of coherence. How coherence and happiness changes with age Erik Erikson, one of the world’s most well-known psychologists, talked about how each of the various stages of life — childhood, adolescence, adulthood — is made up of different personal and interpersonal agendas. For example, as children grow up, they first learn to trust the world around them, then exercise free will, make choices and become interested in different things, and finally develop an appetite for learning everything they can about the world around them. Adolescence is all about forming an identity — how you’re different from others — and seeking independence. Young adults are all trying to build a social and economic life and deal with lots of “firsts” — first marriage, first job, first mortgage, first car. Middle-age adults are consolidating their gains — things they achieved as young adults — and working hard to maintain families, careers, and their health. And, the elderly spend a lot of time reflecting back on life and deciding whether their lives were meaningful. Coherence — understanding life, managing life well, and feeling as if your life has value — changes as people age. To understand coherence in children, you have to be able to see the world through a child’s eyes. Parents are a child’s major, if not exclusive, source of coherence. Teenagers, on the other hand, make sense of the crazy, emotional world in which they live primarily through peer relationships, and this, unfortunately, drives some parents nuts. Young adults rely on other young adults for coherence. And, somewhere in middle age, you begin to be the source of our own coherence. That’s the beauty of growing old. The specific pursuits and activities that people rely on for a feeling of coherence at each life stage vary considerably and tend to be age-appropriate. It’s safe to say that few children belong to alumni associations or book clubs, but their parents can certainly enroll them in Sunday school classes. Coherence is not a static experience, but rather something that changes and evolves over time.

Article / Updated 06-26-2021

Humans are social creatures and socializing comes easy. Solitude is another matter. Solitude runs counter to the demands of society. Even so, happiness can be found in solitude, even though society depends on the combined efforts of all people to contribute to the greater good. Taking time for yourself is often viewed as selfish and unproductive. Sorry society, but we beg to differ. Solitude is also uncomfortable for many people because they’re learned to derive their self-esteem from activities initiated by their “other selves” — that is, their efforts to satisfy themselves by satisfying others. Your “other self” includes such roles as child, student, sibling, grandchild, Girl Scout, athlete, employee, employer, church deacon, caretaker, neighbor, and citizen. When you serve your “other self” you achieve some measure of happiness — true — but there are also important benefits that come from spending time with your “personal self,” that part of you that doesn’t need other people to be happy. How solitude benefits you Solitude allows your body to catch up with your mind. In this crazy aggressive existence that most people live in, we’re always tilting forward — our minds are way out in front of our bodies, thinking, analyzing, and planning ahead. It’s only when you stop and get off the merry-go-round of daily life that your mind and body can once again get back into sync. Solitude allows your brain to rest. In a world of overstimulation, our minds are constantly in an overactive mode. Solitude allows your mind to detach from all the endless chatter coming from the environment around you — the radio, the Internet, conversations, street noise, traffic sounds, barking dogs — and rest for a change. Solitude jumpstarts the parasympathetic nervous system (the branch of the autonomic nervous system that calms you down). When you’re able to get some time to yourself, your muscles relax, your blood pressure decreases, and your heart rate slows. Think of solitude as the anti-adrenaline system that kicks on when there’s no longer a need for the fight-or-flight response. Solitude prevents burnout. Burnout is what happens when you’re subjected to prolonged, intense, and unresolved stress. You run out of physical and psychological energy, and you act in a disorganized, inefficient, erratic manner. Solitude enhances creativity. Solitude frees the mind up from all the distractions of everyday life and allows it to focus more fully on one thing. It allows your brain to think outside the box and to come up with unique, extraordinary solutions to ordinary problems. That’s part of why artists — painters, sculptures, musicians, writers — spend so much time alone. Solitude can be a time of self-discovery. Solitude is your chance to learn something about yourself. Self-discovery is a process that involves asking and answering four basic questions: Who am I? What makes me unique? Where am I going in life? Am I comfortable with myself? Solitude provides an opportunity for perspective. When you’re caught up in the hassles of day-to-day life, all you can see is what’s directly in front of you — the problem of the moment. If you want to see and appreciate the big picture of what your life’s all about, you have to step back and get a bird’s-eye view — and that’s exactly what solitude allows you to do. Solitude allows you an opportunity to deal with the big questions in your life. At various times in your life, you’ll be faced with big questions like “It takes time and a lot of careful thought to come up with the answers. Such answers are more likely to come to mind in a quiet, introspective moment — solitude — than when you’re fully engaged in your usual day-to-day activities. If you want to know if you’re suffering from vital exhaustion, ask yourself the following questions: Do you feel fresh and rested when you first wake up in the morning? Do you ever feel like a battery that’s losing its charge? Vital exhaustion If you answered no to the first question and yes to the second question, you’re definitely a candidate for vital exhaustion. This alone increases your chances of sudden cardiac death by 42 percent and, if combined with chronic anger, increases your chances by a whopping 69 percent. If this is the case, here are some options you should consider: Learn to control your anger better. Cut back on smoking and alcohol use as these are highly correlated with vital exhaustion. Take a few minutes to meditate each day. Engage in an activity that is uplifting both in mind and body. Spend less time working and more time playing. Start getting a good night’s sleep, exercise more, and eat a healthier diet. When you hear the word "solitude", you might think of it as a negative thing. But when it's swapped out with synonymous words or phrases (like "me time" or "peace and quiet") it becomes clear how important spending time with just yourself can be. That's not saying you have to go full Walden, but a little bit of time every day can help you stay feeling balanced and present in your daily life.

Article / Updated 06-26-2021

A truly happy person will try their best to find the win-win solution at work. All types of work inevitably involve conflict. Why? (Spoiler alert: it's human nature!) People who work alongside one another are either striving to achieve the same goals — recognition and advancement — or they have different views about how things should be done at work. The conflicts themselves, it turns out, are not nearly as important as how you resolve them. And, in doing so, you’ll invariably use strategies such as: Competition: “I win — you lose. It’s that simple.” Compromise: “It’s a give-and-take proposition. Each of us gets a little of what we want even though we don’t get all of what we want.” Collaboration: “Why don’t we pool our resources and work together on this problem — be a team?” Accommodation: “Whatever — we’ll try it your way this time. It’s not worth fighting about.” Happy, satisfied employees are the ones who use a mixture of all these approaches to manage conflict. Competition and happiness Competition is a win-lose strategy for resolving conflict. Competitive employees attempt to gain power by winning arguments. Healthy competition involves winning without intimidating others. Unhealthy competition is about winning at all costs — it’s aggressive and ends up hurting others. Competition can be an advantage (a) when it occurs in an adversarial situation like a court battle or a sporting event and (b) because it signals that the employee is fully committed to some important issue or outcome. In many work settings, competition is viewed as a sign of strength. Overly competitive employees — those who invariably create a lot of unhappiness for themselves and their coworkers — exhibit the following behaviors when there’s a conflict: They direct personal criticism at the person with whom they’re having a conflict. They argue, make demands, and threaten others. They act with contempt — for example, roll their eyes or sigh while you’re trying to make your point. They’re quick to deny responsibility. They’re inflexible — it’s their way or the highway. Even their humor is hostile. Compromise and happiness Compromise is a way of managing conflict in which each party both gains and loses something. Think of it as a trade-off, where nobody leaves empty-handed or unhappy. Not convinced that compromise is really possible at work? Here are some examples of compromise in the workplace: Edith needs Julie to stay a couple of hours overtime to finish a project that has a deadline. She knows Julie had planned to meet her boyfriend after work for a drink. Instead of telling Julie that she has to stay late, like it or not, Edith says, “I know you had plans and I hate to ask you to stay until we complete this project. But if you’ll agree this once, I’ll let you have an afternoon off later this week to compensate you. And I promise I won’t make a habit of this.” If Julie says yes, she’s giving up that after-work time with her boyfriend, but she’s gaining an afternoon off later; meanwhile, Edith loses Julie later in the week, but she gets Julie when she really needs her — now. Quinn wants a raise, but the budget is tight. Their boss tells them, “I’d love to give you a raise. But honestly, the money just isn’t there. What I can do is start giving you a lot more responsibility and authority about how things run around here, which will justify a big increase in your salary the next time around. Does that sound like something you can live with?” Collaboration and happiness When employees collaborate, they integrate their ideas and energies so that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts (like a delicious pizza). This happens because: Collaboration generates new ideas. All parties feel freer to be creative in coming up with ways to solve problems and conflicts. No one idea or opinion dominates. Collaboration signals mutual respect for all parties involved. People believe their feelings and ideas have value. Collaboration requires a greater degree of commitment than other conflict management strategies like compromise and accommodation. Each employee feels a sense of true partnership — that is, not only are they part of the problem, they’re also part of the solution. Collaboration requires a willingness to move with rather than against your coworkers. This means there’s less resistance, less tension in the process of finding a new solution to the conflict. The next time you find yourself in conflict with someone at work, start out with the mindset that you’d like to cooperate with the other person. It increases the likelihood that you’ll reach a win-win solution and keep everybody happy. Accommodation and happiness Whatever is a powerful word. In conflict situations, where cooperation is the order of the day but there is no possibility of compromise or collaboration, try accommodation. Some people think of accommodation as just another word for giving up or giving in — which, in a highly competitive society, is unthinkable. But it’s also a strategy for reducing or eliminating conflict that expresses a desire for harmony. Knowing how to pick and choose your battles can help you in your professional and personal life. The word whatever can have many meanings, for example: Your way is fine; let’s go with that. I just don’t want to fight about this. I had my way last time — you can have your way this time. This issue is not the hill I want to die on. Obviously, this means more to you than it does to me. I’m trying to be reasonable here. Since you’ve got the upper hand, what’s the sense of fighting about this? Conflict never feels good. Unfortunately, like so many not-so-great things in life, it's pretty unavoidable. Think of workplace conflict like the imminent seasonal head cold — and the above tactics like your grandmother's tried and true remedies. It might not be super enjoyable, but you know you'll get through it just fine.

Article / Updated 06-22-2021

There are three core components to a coherent life, without which it’s difficult, if not impossible, to achieve happiness. These components are order, affiliation, and meaning. Each of these components is important in its own right, but it’s the combination of the three that determines where you fall on the continuum of coherence. Order Imagine living in a land where there were no rules, no laws, no customs, no rituals, no agreed-upon ways of relating to other people, no responsibilities, no expectations, and no consequences for your actions. That would be the land of chaos. Now, imagine how unhappy you would be. To be happy, there has to be some rhyme or reason to everyday life, which means order. Order not only tells you how to behave and what to expect today, it tells you what tomorrow will be like. The concept of civilization implies a sense of order. Some cultures operate under the so-called rule of law, which means that citizens learn to behave in certain prescribed ways that have legal consequences. Other cultures operate under the rule of force, which means the citizens live seemingly ordered lives out of fear. In either case, removing those rules inevitably leads to chaos. How ordered is your life? Are you clear about what your world expects from you today? Can you tell what you’ll be doing tomorrow? Do you have a plan for today that you’ll follow no matter what? How many times during the course of your day do you answer specific questions by saying “I’m not sure,” “We’ll see,” or “It depends”? Is every day of your life a mystery? If your life is more chaos than order, set down some rules you can live by (such as do unto others as you would have them do unto you), be clear what it is you expect from yourself today and tomorrow, and don’t just be satisfied with living “one day at a time” – that sounds good, but it’s not too practical. Affiliation Humans are happiest when they are attached to and connected with the lives of others. (The opposite is to be alienated.) Affiliation is a positive thing; alienation is negative. Much of your sense of coherence comes from being a member of a family, a social or civic organization, a workforce, a political party, a religious community, and the like. It gives you a feeling of belonging and shared identity. Affiliation is a vital part of the definition of who you are and what your life stands for. When someone meets you for the first time and asks, “I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m _____. And who are you?”, you answer by saying, “I’m _____. I just moved here from _____. I work at _____,” or, “I’m _____, the host’s brother-in-law,” or “Nice to meet you. I’m _____. I just moved in next door.” If someone asked you “Who are you?” what would you say? If you’re not sure, it’s time you started filling in the blanks. Align yourself with some group at work, for example, the guys who play golf on Saturday, or the bowling team. Volunteer for a charitable organization where you can feel a part of a group effort that is doing good for your community. Make a concerted effort to reconnect with your family of origin — most likely, they’ll welcome you back with open arms. Organize a small group to eat together every Friday night — something you (and they) can look forward to. The possibilities are endless. Meaning Viktor Frankl’s wonderful book Man’s Search for Meaning (Washington Square Press) makes a cogent argument for how a person can only achieve happiness through a life with purpose. That sense of purpose, he suggests, can come from one of three sources: Some type of creative or constructive work or deed Intimate, loving relationships Rising above some tragic life circumstance (in Frankl’s case, the horrors of life in a German concentration camp) A life that includes none of these three elements is, according to Frankl, empty and meaningless. And it is a life rife with unhappiness in the form of depression, violence, and addiction. How have you managed to find meaning in your life? Today is a good day to start creating your meaning in life. Here’s how: Find an activity where you can forget about yourself and focus more on the needs of others — for example, becoming involved in the Big Brother/Big Sister program and doing what you can to enhance the life of a child. Find an activity that has more to do with your character — compassionate, entertaining — than your profession or career — psychologist, electrician. Think of someone you admire and start doing some of the things they do. Look around for things that everyone agrees should be done, but no one wants to do — and, you be the one to do them.

Article / Updated 06-22-2021

Beyond the simple reality that optimists are happier people (and happiness is what you’re striving for), optimism has other benefits as well. So, if you want to achieve greater happiness, try being optimistic for a day. Optimists enjoy a greater degree of academic success than pessimists do. Because optimistic students think it’s possible for them to make a good grade, they study hardier and they study smarter. They manage the setting in which they study and they seek help from others when they need it. (Optimism, it turns out, is almost as predictive of how well students do in college as the SAT.) Optimists are more self-confident than pessimists are. They believe in themselves more than fate. Optimists are more likely to be problem-solvers than pessimists are. When pessimistic students get a D on a test, they tend to think things like: “I knew I shouldn’t have taken this course. I’m no good at psychology.” The optimistic student who gets a D says to herself, “I can do better. I just didn’t study enough for this test. I’ll do better next time.” And she will. Optimists welcome second chances after they fail more than pessimists do. Optimistic golfers always take a mulligan (a redo swing without penalty). Why? Because they expect to achieve a better result the second time around. Optimists are more socially outgoing than pessimists are. Socially outgoing folks believe that the time they spend with other human beings makes them better in some way — smarter, more interesting, more attractive. Unfortunately, pessimists see little, if any, benefit from venturing out into the social world. Optimists are not as lonely as pessimists are. Because pessimists don’t see as much benefit from socializing with others, they have far fewer social and emotional connections in their lives, which is what loneliness is all about. Optimists utilize social support more effectively than pessimists do. They aren’t afraid to reach out in times of need. Optimists are less likely to blame others for their misfortune than pessimists are. When you blame someone else for your troubles, what you’re really saying is, “You’re the cause of my problem and, therefore, you have to be the solution as well.” Optimists have just as many troubles as pessimists throughout life — they just accept more responsibility for dealing with their misfortune. Optimists cope with stress better than pessimists do. Pessimists worry, optimists act. A patient with coronary heart disease who is pessimistic “hopes and prays” that he doesn’t have another heart attack anytime soon. The optimistic heart patient leaves little to chance — instead, he exercises regularly, practices his meditation exercises, adheres to a low-cholesterol diet, and makes sure he always gets a good night’s sleep. Optimists are more likely to engage in preventive healthcare than pessimists are. Pessimists are always waiting to see how their health turns out, whereas optimists take a more hands-on approach to preventing illness. Optimists are more likely to follow through with rehab after a heart attack than pessimists are. If you don’t believe rehab is going to do you any good, what’s the point? With some patients, you have to first rehabilitate the mind (change to a more optimistic outlook) before you can rehab the body. Optimists have more robust immune systems than pessimists do. The essence of health psychology and behavioral medicine is the belief that mind and body are inextricably connected as a result of the way people live their lives. If you live a robust, healthy, and happy life — which is easier to do if you’re optimistic — you will have a robust immune system, that invisible shield that keeps you well.