Divorce Articles

Cheat Sheet / Updated 02-23-2022

If you’re going through a divorce, basic decisions need to be made with your spouse. Interview divorce attorneys before you decide to hire one to help with your divorce and keep a list of national and local resources available in case you need divorce advice and support.

Cheat Sheet / Updated 03-27-2016

Divorce is never going to be an easy experience to go through, emotionally, legally or in terms of the decisions you have to make. You can, however, remove a lot of the pain and hassle from your divorce by following the advice on this Cheat Sheet, and by checking out the organisations and resources you find here.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Marriages rarely die overnight. Almost always, the destruction of a marriage happens little by little, over time. Ideally, if trouble arises in your marriage, you and your spouse should be able to respond to problems before they cause serious damage to your relationship. You can then either work things out and remain married, or make a mutual decision to separate or get divorced. However, if your marriage is in serious trouble, any discussion, cooperation, or compromise may be impossible, and you may have no option but to end it yourself, possibly against your spouse's wishes. When you are having marriage problems, whether they are big or small, the sooner you face facts and decide what to do about them the better. Burying your head in the sand when it comes to marital woes won't make your problems go away. In fact, they'll probably just get worse. Furthermore, if divorce is in the cards, the sooner you acknowledge it, the more emotionally and financially prepared you'll be for what is to come. You may find yourself replaying old arguments, resurrecting old hurts, crying a lot, or becoming consumed with anger when your marriage is in trouble. Those responses can quickly turn small problems into big ones and cause you to lose all perspective when it comes to your spouse and your marriage. Furthermore, when you let your emotions get out of control, it becomes difficult if not impossible for you to identify and realistically assess all the options you have for dealing with your troubles. To help bring some objectivity and common sense to your situation so that you can gain a true appreciation of just how bad (or not so bad) things really are, consider some of the more common signs of a marriage in crisis, such as infidelity and contempt. Do you have cause for concern? When your marriage is going through tough times, you may find yourself wondering if it's an instance of the "for better or for worse" your marriage vows alluded to, or if your relationship is truly on the rocks. Although no test exists that can tell you if your problems are typical reactions to the stress and strain most marriages experience at one time or another, or if they point to more-serious issues, troubled marriages do tend to exhibit many of the same characteristics. How many of the following statements apply to your marriage? In your mind, your spouse just can't do anything right anymore. You fight constantly. You've lost the ability or the willingness to resolve your marital problems. Resentment and contempt have replaced patience and love. You've turned from lovers into roommates. One or both of you is having an affair. You go out of your way to avoid being together and, when you are together, you have nothing to talk about. Your children are reacting to the stress in your marriage by fighting more, having difficulty in school, getting into trouble with the police, abusing drugs or alcohol, or becoming sexually promiscuous. You have begun having thoughts about divorce. Don't panic if you find that your marriage exhibits some of these characteristics — you are not necessarily headed for divorce court. However, you do have cause for concern and it's time for you and your spouse, first separately and then together, to assess your options and decide what to do next. Marital problems can trigger depression, feelings of vulnerability and powerlessness, anger, and sleep problems, any of which can impede clear thinking and sound decision-making. A mental health professional can help you deal with these disturbances so that you can move forward. Finding a qualified marriage counselor When your marriage is in serious trouble, your emotions can run so high that a calm, rational discussion to identify the roots of your marital problems and what to do about them can be next to impossible. Instead, you either withdraw from each other to nurse your wounds in silence, or argue constantly. Timing is everything when your marriage is falling apart. Do not wait until your marriage is damaged beyond repair to get professional help. Working with the right marriage counselor can help save your marriage or, at the very least, save you and your spouse months or even years of anguish trying to decide what to do about the problems in your relationship. Consider the following practical tips for locating a qualified marriage counselor: Seek out a marriage counselor or therapist who is a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). To become a member, counselors and therapists must complete a rigorous training program. You can also call the Association directly for the names and phone numbers of the AAMFT members in your area (703-838-9808) or check out the Yellow Pages of your local phone book under Marriage Counselors or Therapists for AAMFT members. Get a referral from a friend or family member you trust. Schedule a get-acquainted meeting with several marriage counselors. Find out how long each counselor has been practicing marriage or family therapy, what courses he or she has taken in that field, and what professional licenses or certifications he or she has. Be sure that the person you decide to work with is someone both you and your spouse feel comfortable with. You may have to share intimate and emotionally painful information about yourselves with the counselor that you choose. To make sure that your counseling is covered by your medical insurance, ask your insurer for a list of the counselors who are preferred service providers.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

After your divorce is over, you enter a new phase in your life. You may feel happier than you have felt in a long time, free of the tension and strife that plagued your marriage. Life after divorce can represent a time of personal growth, rediscovery, and new opportunities. On the other hand, being single again can be an intimidating and lonely experience — particularly if divorce was not your idea and you are unprepared for life on your own or if you have sole custody of your children. Even if you sought that custody arrangement, having full-time responsibility for your children seven days a week, night and day, can be overwhelming, not to mention exhausting. Being easy on yourself To help you adjust to all the changes in your life, avoid piling unreasonable expectations on yourself. Just do what you must to tie up the loose ends of your divorce; otherwise, take a breather and regroup mentally and physically. Although you may have big plans for what you want to do with the rest of your life, give yourself the opportunity to recover from what you've just gone through. In other words, being a little lazy — letting your house get messier than it usually is, eating fast-food dinners once in while, skipping a few workouts at the gym — is okay. Pressuring yourself to make important decisions right away, before you can think them through with a clear head, may cause you to make some mistakes you'll regret later on. On the other hand, you need to maintain those habits that make you feel good about yourself and about life in general. If you get too lazy, you may slip into a funk you can't crawl out of, which will definitely interfere with your ability to get on with your life as a single person. Taking time to reflect on what happened Try to put your recent experiences into perspective. Take time to understand why your marriage didn't work out and how you may have contributed to your marital problems. Otherwise, you may end up making the same mistakes twice. Keeping a journal is a good way to do this and therapy can be a big help, too. Accept the fact that your life is no longer the way it used to be and it never will be again. This doesn't mean that your new life has to be a disappointment — it's just different. Try to identify some benefits to your being single again (they may be hard to find at first, but they do exist). For example, you have more privacy and time to yourself, your relationship with your children is stronger, and you can sleep better because you're no longer stressed out by your divorce. Finding a support group Consider joining a divorce support group. Its members can help bolster your confidence through the inevitable down times as you rebuild your life and can provide you with advice and feedback when you encounter problems you're not sure how to handle. Becoming handy around the house Being divorced usually means having to take on new household chores — cooking, grocery shopping, balancing the checkbook, home repairs, mowing the lawn — chores your ex-spouse used to do. If you need to get up-to-speed quickly on unfamiliar household tasks, relatives and friends may be willing to give you a quick lesson (don't be ashamed to ask them for the help you need). Reading how-to books or taking classes are also good ways to acquire new skills. Soon you'll feel proud of what you can accomplish on your own and gain confidence in your ability to learn even more. Finding activities you and your children enjoy If you are a noncustodial parent, being with your kids may be awkward for all of you at first. Seeing you living in a new place and not having you in their everyday lives may feel weird to your children. To help everyone feel more comfortable and adjust to the new situation, try to avoid making every get-together a special event. Simple activities such as a trip to the grocery store, a bike ride, doing homework together, or watching a video — the kinds of things you used to do with one another — take some of the pressure off and helps reassure your kids that not everything in their lives has changed. You can reassure your kids that you're still an active parent by attending their school's open house, attending their recitals or sporting events, or joining in their scouting activities. Even if you live out of town, making it a point to show up at least a couple of times a year to lend moral support means a lot to your children and assures them that they're very important to you. If you are a noncustodial parent, don't be upset if your kids don't act overjoyed to see you when you pick them up, but then seem sad to leave you. Their initial nonchalance may be their way of protecting themselves emotionally, or it may reflect their confidence that you will always be in their lives and divorce hasn't changed your love and concern for them. Don't make assumptions about the ways your children are responding to the changes occurring in their lives. Instead, observe your children and try to understand the true reasons for their behavior. If your children are living with you but spending some nights with your former spouse, give your kids time to get used to their other parent's home and the different rules your ex may expect your children to follow. Your children may have a hard time falling asleep when they spend the night at your ex's or may act reluctant to spend time there at first, but most likely they'll adjust fairly quickly to their new living arrangement. Working at rebuilding a sense of family As you recover from your divorce, rebuilding a sense of family with your children is important. This is particularly critical if your marital problems have affected how your entire family functions. Whether you are a custodial parent, a noncustodial parent, or share custody with your spouse, your children need to feel that they're still part of a real family, which is essential to your child's sense of self-worth. To help maintain a sense of family, hold on to as many family rituals as possible, such as attending religious ceremonies with your children or arranging for all of you to spend holidays with your extended family. Think about establishing new family customs (going on an annual family vacation or taking up a new hobby with your children, for example) to make them feel as if some benefits to their new life do exist and to help your children enjoy spending time with you as a family.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

After your divorce is final, your ex-spouse may not make the spousal support payments he or she agreed to make. This may occur because your ex is angry about the divorce, resents having to send you money, experiences financially tough times, or maybe even remarries and is pressured by his or her new spouse not to make them. Whatever the reason, not receiving the money you anticipate can have a devastating effect on your life. Here are some steps you can take before your divorce is final to help ensure that the support arrives: Get a court order for spousal support. If you're not working with a divorce attorney, you need one to file your spousal support agreement with the court and argue its reasonableness to the judge so that he or she will approve it and make it an official part of your divorce. If you're the one who's entitled to spousal support and you don't go through this process, and if your ex reneges on your agreement, you will have no legal recourse for collecting the spousal support you are entitled to. Try to enforce the court order by asking the court to hold your spouse in contempt of court. Assuming that your state allows you to take this step when your ex doesn't pay your spousal support, a court order puts legal pressure on your ex to pay your support. In fact, your ex-spouse can go to jail for ignoring his or her support obligation. In states where you cannot accuse your spouse of contempt for failing to pay you spousal support, you're in the same position as any other creditor that your former spouse hasn't paid. In this situation, whether or not you can collect from him or her depends on the debtor protection laws of your state, which may make all, or most, of your ex-spouse's property exempt from the debt-collection process. If that's the case, your past-due spousal support is uncollectible. Secure your payments by placing a lien on one or more of the assets that your spouse will exit the marriage with. (A lien is a legal right to someone else's property until the owner of that property fulfills his/her legal obligation to the lien holder. For example, if you have a mortgage on your home, your mortgage lender has a lien on your home, which means that it can take the home if you don't make your mortgage payments according to your mortgage agreement.) If your ex fails to live up to your spousal support agreement, you can ask the court for permission to take the asset with a lien on it as payment for what you're owed. However, if the asset is your ex-spouse's home, you may not be able to get your money until the home is sold. Also, if you have a lien on your ex's retirement account, you may not be able to collect the money you're entitled to until he or she retires or your ex quits or gets fired. Use disability insurance to ensure an unbroken stream of spousal support in the event that your ex becomes ill or injured and is unable to work for a period of time. The court is likely to let your former spouse pay you less during the period of his or her disability, so the disability insurance provides you with a financial safety net. Get your spouse to have your spousal support payments automatically deducted from his or her paychecks. That way, after your divorce is final, you don't have to wonder whether your ex remembered to mail you a support check each month, whether your ex will send you some but not all of what you are entitled to, or whether your ex isn't going to send you any money at all. With automatic deductions, the court issues an order telling your former spouse's employer to deduct a certain amount of money from his or her paychecks and send it to the court, which sends you a check. In other words, your former spouse never sees that money.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

If you and your spouse decide to legally separate, you won't live together anymore, but you won't be divorced, either. A legal separation agreement (called a temporary court order in some states) is essential if you're separating permanently as an alternative to divorce, assuming that your state recognizes legal separations (not all states do). To protect yourself, you need everything to be black and white and filed with the court so that if either of you fails to live up to the terms of your agreement, the other spouse can ask the court to help enforce it. Other instances when a legal separation agreement is essential include when You're separating as a prelude to divorce. You're so estranged from your spouse that communication and cooperation are impossible. You don't trust your spouse to live up to his or her verbal promises. One of you wants spousal support while you're living apart. Minor children are involved. The longer you live apart, the greater the chances are that your relationship will deteriorate. As time goes on, you may find cooperating with each other harder to do. For example, your spouse may become involved in a new romantic relationship and abandon your reconciliation plans. At times like these, having a written separation agreement can help prevent a total breakdown of your relationship, even if you anticipate an eventual divorce. If you and your spouse can't come to a negotiated separation agreement, a family law judge will decide the terms of your separation. What should be in a legal separation agreement? A legal separation agreement should address most, if not all, of the same issues that you would cover in a divorce agreement, including how you will handle the custody of your children; how much child support one spouse will pay the other; whether one of the spouses will receive spousal support and, if so, the terms and conditions of the support; and how you will handle your marital assets and debts. If you and/or your children are currently covered on your spouse's insurance policy and that coverage will continue, your separation agreement should address the coverage, too. If you separate and then decide to divorce, all or some of what you include in your separation agreement can be converted into your divorce agreement. Depending on your state, the personal property that's in your possession when you're separated may become the personal property you end up with in your divorce. Therefore, if you move out of the home you share with your spouse and you plan on leaving some of your personal property in that home, you may want to include a provision in your separation agreement stating that the property will be yours if you divorce. Hang on to your liquid assets Ideally, your agreement should give you ready access to the liquid assets (cash or another kind of asset that you can quickly convert to cash) that you and your spouse own. Certificates of deposit, cash advances on your credit cards, your checking account overdraft, a line of credit, as well as money market accounts and bond funds that allow you to write checks against your investment are all liquid assets. You may need these assets during your separation to help pay bills, to put food on the table, or to cover unexpected expenses, especially if your income is low and you won't be receiving much, if any, direct financial support from your spouse. Try the art of compromise When working out the terms of your separation, a give-and-take strategy usually works better than strong-arm tactics. In other words, don't expect to get everything you ask for. You can refuse to compromise in an effort to have everything your way, but that approach is likely to backfire because you may end up in court, where a judge decides the terms of your separation. Be careful about what you sign Question anything in a separation agreement that you don't understand. And don't agree to any provision in your agreement because "it's good enough for now" or because you "can live with the arrangement for a while." Separation agreements often become divorce agreements, and after something is in a separation agreement, having that provision voided or modified can be difficult, if not impossible, to change, unless you and your spouse agree to the change or the problems it caused were obvious and significant. Give yourself some room to maneuver by clearly indicating in writing that the separation agreement in no way binds you to the same terms in your final divorce agreement. This statement should be a part of your agreement. The financial benefits of having a legal separation agreement Having a legal separation agreement can provide you with some specific financial benefits besides helping to ensure that if your spouse fails to live up to his/her obligation in the agreement, the court will take steps to make your spouse do what he/she agreed to. Here are some of the other benefits of a legal separation: If one spouse pays the other spousal support, the spouse making the payments can claim them as a deduction on his/her federal tax return. The payments must be part of a legal separation agreement or court order. If your spouse claims your spousal support payments on his or her tax return, then you have to report that money as income. A legal separation agreement can help limit your liability for any debts that your spouse may rack up during your separation, assuming you live in a separate property state. Spouses who live in community property states do not get this protection. The agreement can help ensure that certain financial benefits that you currently receive as a spouse continue during your separation. Those benefits could include health insurance and continued access to credit if you and your spouse share joint accounts or if you're an authorized user on your spouse's accounts. Alimony pendente lite and separate maintenance are legal talk for spousal support payments during separation. You may hear your attorney use these terms or hear them in court if you look to a judge to decide some of the terms of your separation agreement. Other things you should do when you're separating legally Besides negotiating a legal separation agreement, if you're moving out of the residence you share with your spouse, and especially if your separation isn't amicable or if you don't fully trust your spouse, you should also protect yourself by Taking your name off your lease if you are renters. Taking your name off your family's utility, phone, cable, Internet, lawn maintenance, and newspaper delivery accounts and so on, assuming that doing so doesn't cause a hardship for your spouse or your children. If your spouse can maintain these things by himself or herself, taking your name off the accounts is fine, but if your doing so would mean that your spouse and children will lack heat, phone service, and so on, don't do it. Furthermore, under those circumstances, if you end up in court, a judge will not look kindly on what you did. Contacting all your joint creditors and putting a freeze on those accounts so that your spouse cannot run them up. Making copies of your family's tax returns for the past six years. Creating a record of all your joint credit account numbers, bank accounts, insurance policies, investment accounts, and so on. Also create a record of whatever you and your spouse have stored in bank safety-deposit boxes. Obtaining credit in your own name if all your credit is joint. Taking any personal property that's important to you and that you fear your spouse may destroy or discard out of anger.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Choosing a divorce lawyer can be overwhelming. After all, your divorce attorney is the expert you'll rely on to help you make the best decisions about your divorce. An attorney can be involved in your divorce from start to finish, or work with you on a very limited basis. (Generally, if you and your spouse both feel confident about your ability to draft your own divorce agreement, you may be able to limit your use of an attorney to initial advice and information and final evaluation and feedback.) When you do hire a divorce attorney, it's more than a matter of running your fingers through the lawyer ads in the yellow pages until you spot the word "divorce" or simply hiring the lawyer who helped you negotiate your office lease or draw up your will. You need to hire an attorney experienced in family law. In some states, attorneys can be board-certified in family law. These lawyers specialize in divorce cases and other kinds of family law issues. To be certified, they must have significant trial experience and pass a rigorous test. To maintain their certification, they must receive substantial continuing education in family law each year, generally twice the amount of required continuing education of non-board certified family law attorneys. This type of family law attorney tends to charge more and demand higher retainers to begin a family law case than those who are not board-certified, but they are usually more experienced. The attorney you hire should talk to you in plain English, not legalese. The attorney should be someone you trust and feel comfortable with, because you may have to reveal highly personal information about yourself and your marriage. If you have young children, look for an attorney who makes it clear that during your divorce you must put your children's needs first and that he or she will not pursue unreasonable demands for child support or help you pursue vindictive child custody and visitation arrangements. And last, but certainly not least, your lawyer should be affordable. Appropriate skills and experience An old adage states, "There are horses for courses." This saying is as true for an attorney as for any other professional. In other words, when you select a family law attorney, you want one with the legal skills and knowledge needed to get the job done for you: If you need help negotiating your divorce agreement, the ideal attorney is a problem solver, works well with people, is adept at compromise,and is comfortable in court. Although you and your spouse may have no intention of going to court, an attorney's trial record and history of success in court can have some bearing on his or her ability to negotiate a settlement with your spouse's attorney. If you know from the start that you're headed for a divorce trial, you want an attorney who has considerable courtroom experience. Not all lawyers do. It is also helpful if the attorney you choose is familiar with the family law judges in your jurisdiction. Knowing the courtroom style of the judge who's likely to hear your case and how the judge has ruled on previous cases similar to yours helps your attorney adapt his or her legal strategy and style to that particular judge. Don't base your hiring decision on which attorney has the nicest office. A fancy office in an expensive building says nothing about the adequacy of a lawyer's legal skills. At the same time, don't assume that just because you pay a lot of money to an attorney that his or her legal representation is appropriate to your needs or is of high quality.Also, don't let a lawyer's physical appearance influence your hiring decision. If your financial situation is complex, the lawyer you hire should either have a solid understanding of the issues and laws that pertain to your divorce or work closely with other lawyers or financial experts who have that knowledge, such as a CPA or appraiser. Remember, negotiating your divorce agreement is as much about financial matters as it is about ending your marriage. Personal style If you are relying on an attorney to do more than simply review your divorce paperwork, you must be prepared to share details about your personal life, marriage, and finances. Therefore, you must feel comfortable with whoever represents you. In addition, your attorney should share and support your basic philosophy or attitude toward your divorce. For example, if you want to keep things as calm, cooperative, and nonadversarial as possible, then avoid attorneys who like to "go for the jugular." Do not confuse your attorney with your therapist or religious advisor. Your attorney's clock is usually running regardless of whether you call with a legal question or to complain about your spouse. Affordability If you don't have much money to spend on legal help, you may have to hire a relatively inexperienced lawyer instead of a seasoned professional. New attorneys tend to cost less than lawyers who have been practicing law for years and already have solid reputations. However, working with an up-and-coming or novice attorney has a potential advantage. In order to build up a good reputation, the attorney may be willing to work a little harder for you than a seasoned lawyer would. Most family law attorneys bill for their services on an hourly basis. Few agree to take a flat fee based on the total amount of time and labor they think your divorce requires. Estimating up-front just how much time is necessary to finalize your divorce is difficult, because no lawyer knows exactly how any divorce is going to play out. You're more apt to find an attorney who'll take your case for a flat fee if your divorce is 100 percent amicable and if the tasks the attorney will perform are very well defined. You may be able to find an attorney willing to accept a flat fee if your legal needs are very specific and very limited — for example, you just need some paperwork filled out and filed. Among other things, an attorney's hourly rate depends on your region of the country and whether your community is rural or urban. Those of you living on the East and West Coasts can expect to pay the most. Depending on where you live, on average the services of a divorce attorney will cost you anywhere from $100 an hour to more than $600 an hour, plus expenses.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

As time goes on after you're divorced, you may decide that the terms of your divorce no longer work for you given changes in your life or in your children's lives. For example, your employer is in financial trouble and has asked everyone to take a reduction in salary or your children have gotten older and require more expenses. Or maybe you've never been happy with the terms of your divorce and, although you've done your best to live with them, you've decided now is the time to try to get them changed. If you and your former spouse see eye to eye on the changes, modifying your agreement or the judge's court order should be relatively hassle-free, assuming that the court shares your perspectives. Just as you did when you got your divorce, you must draw up a revised agreement with the help of your attorneys to be certain that you do not create any problems for yourselves. Then the attorney of whoever wanted to change the agreement files the agreement with the court so that the new agreement can be court ordered. However, if you want things changed and your spouse doesn't, or vice versa (which is more likely), you may be in for a replay of your divorce battles. If you and your spouse don't see eye to eye about the changes one of you wants to make to the terms of your divorce and you don't want to minimize your legal expenses, try mediation. Mediation is a good way to avoid the expense and emotional upset of hiring attorneys and possibly having to go to court again. Courts are more open to changing the terms of custody, child-support, or spousal support agreements than they are to changing the terms of a property settlement agreement. In fact, many states prohibit such a change. States that do allow modifications of property settlement agreements usually provide only a very short window of opportunity — typically 30 days after your divorce — for requesting the change. Demonstrating a change in your circumstances If you want a change in your divorce agreement and you and your ex don't agree on the change and you can't resolve your differences outside of court, it's time to hire a divorce attorney (if you haven't already done so). Your attorney, working with the attorney representing your ex, may be able to resolve your differences but, if not, he or she will file a motion with the court, and a hearing will be held. At the hearing, your attorney will present evidence to the court justifying the need for the change you are seeking, and your ex's attorney will argue against the change. The judge isn't going to okay a change just because you don't like the terms of your divorce. Changing how you and your former spouse manage custody and visitation If you want to modify the terms of your custody and visitation agreement, you must demonstrate a legitimate need for the change due to significant changes in your life, in your former spouse's life, or in the lives of your children. Those changes might include the following: You're moving a long distance from your former spouse or your ex is the one who's moving far away. The income of the spouse who's paying child support has increased or decreased. Your children aren't being properly supervised when they're with their other parent. Perhaps your former spouse has a substance abuse problem; your spouse is having to spend longer hours at work and, as a result, your children are being left alone for long stretches of time; your spouse has turned into a party animal and isn't spending enough time with your kids or isn't providing them with enough supervision; and so on. One of your children has become seriously ill and you need more financial assistance to help pay for the child's care and treatment. Your ex has developed a serious physical or mental illness, has developed a serious addiction to drugs or alcohol, has been arrested for a violent crime, or has been accused of child molestation or child abuse and, therefore, you want to change your current custody and visitation arrangement. You and your teenage son or daughter are in constant conflict and you're having problems controlling him or her. You feel that having your child live with his or her other parent would be in his or her best interest. You believe that your ex's new spouse is trying to usurp your position as parent to your children, is giving your children advice that contradicts the values you're trying to instill in them, or is allowing them to do things that you would never permit. As a result, you feel that your children are being harmed and are not being raised in a positive way. You believe that your former spouse is physically abusing or sexually molesting your children. The arrangements in your divorce agreement or judgment are simply not working out. Regardless of what reason(s) you give to the court to justify your request for a modification, the judge bases his or her decision on what is in your children's best interests. Changing how you and your ex handle child support You or your former spouse may also want to make changes in your child-support court order. If you receive child support, you probably want more money and, if you pay child support, you probably want to reduce how much money you must pay. What a surprise! If you request a modification in your child-support court order, you must provide the court with proof that changes in your life and/or in your ex's life or changes in the lives of one or more of your children merit the modification. Depending on exactly why you're asking for the change, this proof may include check stubs showing that you're no longer making as much money as you once made or medical records indicating that you have a serious health problem that limits your ability to earn money. If the court denies your request, your state's law probably limits your ability to file a new child-support modification request. Securing a court order if you change your divorce agreement yourselves If you and your ex-spouse decide to change your child-custody and visitation agreement, be sure to put the terms of your new agreement in writing and to get a new court order that reflects all the changes. Otherwise, despite what you and your spouse agree to, the new provisions of your agreement aren't legally enforceable because, from the court's perspective, your original court-ordered agreement is still in force. Also, get an attorney's help to make certain that the new agreement is enforceable and worded accurately. Finally, make sure that you and your ex each get a copy. A judge may not consider the child-support-related changes you and your ex agree to as being in the best interest of your children. If that's the case and the changes involve reducing, suspending, or completely ending your child-support payments, the court can find the spouse who's legally obligated to make the payments in contempt of court. As a result, that parent can end up in legal hot water. To be legally safe, enter a new court order when you want to modify the terms of your child-support court order.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

If you suspect that your divorce will be a knock-down, drag-out fight or if you're certain that your divorce won't go smoothly, prepare to take the following steps prior to the start of your divorce. Protecting yourself from financial harm and having ready access to the financial resources you may need during your divorce is important. Open accounts in your own name If you share a savings account with your spouse, withdraw only some of the money in the account — maybe half, depending on your needs and the amount in the account — and deposit it in a new account in your own name at a different bank. Open your own checking account in the same way. If you haven't informed your spouse of this financial move, after he or she learns about it, expect some fireworks that'll make your divorce agreement negotiations more difficult. If you withdraw an unreasonable amount of money (and just what constitutes an "unreasonable" amount is something your attorneys have to decide), you may end up getting less in your property settlement. Also, beware of leaving too little in your checking account to cover your monthly expenses, especially if the checking account you share with your spouse usually contains just enough funds to pay the monthly bills. Bounced check charges and angry creditors are the last things you need right now! Close your joint accounts Close any joint credit card accounts you have with your spouse. Also, if you and your spouse have a line of credit with a bank or credit card, cancel or reduce it. Be sure to inform your spouse of what you have done. If you can't close a joint account because of an outstanding debt that cannot be paid off immediately, write the creditor to explain that you won't be responsible for any additional debts on that account beyond the current outstanding balance. Individual credit — that is, credit in your own name — is essential to your having a life on your own. But building a credit history in your own name can take time. If you don't have individual credit when you close your joint accounts, you may have to wait several years before you have access to credit at the best terms. Stash your important personal property If you're concerned that your spouse may try to damage, destroy, or steal any of your personal property in anger or out of a desire for revenge, find a safe place to hide your valuables. That can be a safe-deposit box in your name, the home of a trusted friend or family member, your office file cabinet, or any other place where your spouse can't access it. If your spouse steals or damages your personal property, you may be able to sue your spouse for theft or destruction of property. Your attorney can use evidence of your spouse's destructive behavior as leverage during your divorce negotiations or divorce trial. Protect your mutual assets If your spouse is angry about your divorce or wants to get revenge, he or she may try to use up your joint assets rather than allow you to get a portion of those assets in your divorce. If you're concerned that your spouse may attempt this, consult a family law attorney right away about what steps you can take to safeguard your joint assets. For example, the attorney will probably advise you to avoid maintaining large cash balances in your joint checking accounts or will file a temporary restraining order and request an emergency hearing regarding the property in question. Identify sources of cash Protecting your legal rights when you're involved in a hostile divorce takes money, and lots of it. If you anticipate that your divorce will be hostile, start identifying the financial resources you have at your disposal right now. Those resources may include your separate property (such as your savings account, stocks, bonds, or mutual funds), borrowing against your retirement fund, getting a second mortgage on real estate, borrowing money from family members, and anything else along those lines. Talk with a CPA or your financial advisor about the tax consequences and other implications of selling stocks or mutual funds, borrowing against the funds in your retirement account, or taking a second loan on the real estate you own.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

When you divorced your husband, did you divorce his family, too? If your wife passed away, do you maintain a relationship with her family? Or are you willing to accept their gifts of love, support, and financial help because of their relationship to your kids? Maintaining contact creates stability Grandparents and other family members can be intuitive when it comes to realizing that the kids need their emotional support and the sense of belonging that support can bring. However, grandparents and other relatives may not always be on the same page in the case of divorce. For starters, they may not believe in divorce. Secondly, they're your ex's family and their loyalty is probably with him (or her). The best advice is to withhold your judgment and give them time to get used to the idea. Just because they aren't ready to get involved in your kids' lives now, it doesn't mean that they won't come around eventually. Include them in every holiday or significant event in your child's life, including birthdays, award ceremonies, and sporting events. Ask your child to do the inviting by writing a note, placing a phone call, or asking relatives in person. How can they resist? Many single parents wrap the ex's family into one closefisted wad and drop-kick the whole bundle of them out the door. You're angry with them at the moment, but that's no reason to deprive your children of their love and support. Honestly, you don't have the right to cut them out. After all, this isn't about you — it's about your kids. So take a big breath and bite your tongue — for your kids' sake. One of the greater things that can happen when these relationships are kept intact after a divorce is that they help your child see that not everything has changed in his life. A divorce is so traumatic for a child that he may think everything in his life is strange and different, which can generate a sense of instability. However, when he still gets to spend a week in the summer at Grandpa's cabin at the lake, or when he's still invited to his cousins' birthday parties, he then knows that many things are the same. These contacts can be great stabilizing factors in his life. Agreeing to see grandparents Your kids' grandparents are important people. They can be vital to your children's emotional well-being. The bond between grandparents and their grandkids is special, and your children need the warmth and love their grandparents have to offer. Even if you can't stand to be around your in-laws at the moment, don't cut them out of your kids' lives. Remember that you divorced your ex — you did not divorce her parents! Of course, that's not to say that all grandparents are caring and supportive. Some grandparents can be dysfunctional, just like anyone else. However, if a grandparent's love is unconditional, it can often be very close to parental love. For example, Grandpa's love doesn't necessarily depend on his grandson's grades or how well he behaves — Grandpa loves him anyway. So do everything you can to encourage and maintain the loving relationships between your kids and their grandparents. Not only do your kids need this unconditional love, but grandparents can also be an awesome source of comfort and stability, especially immediately following a traumatic divorce. Maintaining positive relationships between a child and her grandparents provides one more constant in the midst of all the changes divorce brings. Grandma and Grandpa can help Maintaining a relationship with Grandma and Grandpa can be good for your children, especially during difficult times. For example: If you're a single mother, your kids need the positive role modeling of Grandpa in their lives, and if you're a single father, they need the influence of Grandma. If Grandma and Grandpa sincerely love and care about your kids, they want to provide good things in their lives by demonstrating their love and helping the kids as they cope with the divorce. Grandma and Grandpa can provide a little financial help as they take the kids shopping for school clothes, treat them to a movie or a lunch break, or even take the children with them on a little vacation trip. Grandma and Grandpa's home can provide a stable environment where your children can kick back, enjoy Grandma's homemade comfort foods, and get away with some of the stuff on your no-no list at your house! Getting away with stuff may upset you, but you need to relax and realize that the grandparents' influence is only in effect while the kids are at their home. Remember how great it was when you were a kid and your grandparents spoiled you once in a while? Grandma and Grandpa can fill in as counselors and therapists as your kids pour their hearts out and tell them stuff they might never tell you. Their grandparents have lived a long time and survived many crises in their lives, so their advice can be golden. It's like having free psychologists in the family. Grandma and Grandpa can give you a break from time to time as they serve as loving babysitters. They may even have your kids for a weekend so you and a friend can get away for some much-needed rest and relaxation. Many grandparents provide free childcare for their grandchildren, especially those who are preschool age. Depending on your own personal relationship with your mother and father-in-law, they can give you needed emotional support. Here's one of the very best things Grandma and Grandpa can do for your children: If the two of them are still together and happy, they provide encouraging proof that all marriages do not fail and that it's possible for a man and woman to be happily married to each other for many years. When you're going through a divorce, your kids need to see and experience good marriages. Grandma and Grandpa's legal rights Most states have passed laws that grant grandparents the right to visit their grandchildren after a divorce? In fact, if any parent — divorced or not — refuses to allow a grandparent time with a grandchild, the grandparent may sue for this right.