How to Achieve Coherence and Confidence to Find Happiness
For most people, finding one thing in life that gives them coherence, the sense of confidence they need to continue being happy and embracing life and with all its twists and turns is easy. Some people discover early on how valuable education is, and they spend their entire lives continuing to learn everything they can about the world around them. For others, making money is the most important thing.
But there’s a problem with having only one source of coherence in your life: What if something comes along that takes that one thing away? What happens to your confidence then?
The trick is to diversify — to have multiple sources of coherence in your life at all times — and to always be looking ahead to retool your sense of coherence to fit the particular demands of whatever stage of life you find yourself in.
Diversify your life to be happy
Stock brokers have one word for their clients — diversify, diversify, diversify! It’s the mantra of any successful investor and it should be the mantra for all people when it comes to developing a sense of coherence.
What you need is a network of people and things in your life that collectively create a sense of confidence and satisfaction. The dictionary definition of coherence refers to various parts that stick together to form a whole. So, what are some of those possible parts? Consider the following:
Engaging in intellectual pursuits, such as reading The Wall Street Journal every day or taking courses at your local community college
Spending time with family
Developing long-term friendships
Building a career (as opposed to having a series of jobs)
Fostering a spiritual faith
Attending religious services
Participating in civic organizations
Caring for pets
Working as a missionary
Doing routine recreational activities such as golfing every Saturday morning with your friends
Joining a book club
Getting involved with your alumni association, such as tailgating at football games or doing fund-raising for your alma mater
Participating in community government
Working on your marriage
Participating in a prayer group
Getting regular exercise — jogging, walking, cycling, swimming, aerobics
Attending AA meetings or other support groups
Review this list and count the number of these activities that make up your day-to-day life. A healthy recipe for coherence would include at least five such activities carried out on a weekly basis.
The more of these, or similar, activities you engage in on a consistent basis, the stronger your sense of coherence.
How coherence and happiness changes with age
Erik Erikson, one of the world’s most well-known psychologists, talked about how each of the various stages of life — childhood, adolescence, adulthood — is made up of different personal and interpersonal agendas.
For example, as children grow up, they first learn to trust the world around them, then exercise free will, make choices and become interested in different things, and finally develop an appetite for learning everything they can about the world around them. Adolescence is all about forming an identity — how you’re different from others — and seeking independence.
Young adults are all trying to build a social and economic life and deal with lots of firsts — first marriage, first job, first mortgage, first car. Middle-age adults are consolidating their gains — things they achieved as young adults — and working hard to maintain families, careers, and their health. And, the elderly spend a lot of time reflecting back on life and deciding whether their lives were meaningful.
Coherence — understanding life, managing life well, and feeling as if your life has value — changes as people age. To understand coherence in children, you have to be able to see the world through a child’s eyes. Parents are a child’s major, if not exclusive, source of coherence.
Teenagers, on the other hand, make sense of the crazy, emotional world in which they live primarily through peer relationships and this, unfortunately, drives some parents nuts. Young adults rely on other young adults for coherence. And, somewhere in middle age, you begin to be the source of our own coherence. That’s the beauty of growing old!
The specific pursuits and activities that most rely on for a feeling of coherence at each of these life stages vary considerably and tend to be age-appropriate. It’s safe to say that few children belong to alumni associations or book clubs, but their parents can certainly enroll them in Sunday school classes. Coherence is not a static experience, but rather something that changes and evolves over time.